Loss of self

[Becky10]

  So admittidly i feel slightly foolish for even posting after reading the  hardships many have faced but i have reached the point where i feel it nessicary for me to reach out for some help.

Not to  say I have ever been one gifted with gab or socializing but lately it has become damned near impossible for me to speak with others. I have been keeping more and more to myself and not even trying to talk to those around me giving few half hearted attempts to join but finding a wall blocking me everytime. This is only made worse by my best friend moving and my only other close friend going through a 'finding herself' phase that doesnt seem to include me. My shyness has seemed to take over the last months and has had an increasing effect on me. Recently I surrendered my position as Assistant director because I found myself leaving rehearsles early due to overwhelming stress that lead to panic attacks in my car merely because there were so many people in that one room. Following that i missed a week of classes caused by illness due to stress. I am overwhelmed with this idea that no matter what i do, what i say it wont be the right thing and i end up focusing on past failures and constantly falling short of my own expectations ( which only makes me think of how much i must be failing others). Its like i have lost all control over my life.

  What worries me the most is that the days that i feel like total crap now seem to out number those that i feel good and only recently have i even realized that this has been continuing for the better part of 5 years with only brief breaks.

[lady serena]

Never feel foolish for posting, and big Hugs. I know your pain on loosing your best friend to distance, my best friend has moved over 5 hours away and we get to meet only 2 times a year if that but we talk a lot over the phone. Does your best friend have a cell # that you can call and talk to her/him? How about writing back and forth? Shyness is not easy to get over either, I use to be so shy I would hide behind my parents when I was a child and my husband after we got married. What helped these past years to bring me out of my shell was the Ren Fair believe or not. I would go with a friend and stand next to her when she was talking to other festies, and only chime in when asked a question, after about the 3rd year going I got up the nerve to actually talk to some of the cast and friends of fair and have been working my shyness out that way. You are NOT a failure, and keep on telling yourself that, you haven't failed me or anyone else responding to this post. As far as past happenings let them go as they are in the past, I'm not going to lie to you its not going to be easy but it will help to heal faster. You have started out right by writing down your problems and asking for help. Try writing a journal every day and write down what makes you down on that day and what makes you happy for the day, then try and do more of the happy things, be it going to store to go clothes shopping, playing with the niece/nephew or dog/cat and try to increase the good things that you do each day. If you have the chance to go to doctor and tell them what is going on, they will help also. I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way also, hugs.

[lordwriothsley]

Becky don't ever feel like you can't come on here and post when you feel need help or need to reach out for something that is going on in your life. We are all family on here that stand by each other in time of need and that is one thing that you should always remember whenever you feel like you can't come in here and post your hardships that is going on in your life. Remember that we are here for you whenever you need us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this very difficult period in your life right now.

Hugs and love and May God Bless you as well lass.

[Anna Iram]

Becky, there is nothing wrong with saying you are struggling and asking for help. Everybody has difficulty coping at times, and my experience is the longer you try pretend nothing is wrong the harder the road will become. You are going to be okay. You are a lovely, intellegent woman and I can't imagine anyone not wanting to get to know you better. You just need to get past this rough spot in the road and figure out what is causing it. I've sent you some private thoughts as well in your ren mailbox. I hope it helps. Hugs.

[Ferret]

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

May I offer a few suggestions, maybe they'll stir some thinking to help you.

First, have you spoken with your doctor ? You have a lot hitting you right now. Be sure you haven't added depression to the mix.

Next, you have a lot hitting you right now. Break everything down into pieces and tackle them one at a time.

Your friend that moved, she has a phone, email, maybe a road trip once in awhile to see her. Something to look forward to in keeping in touch with her will help a lot.

You are shy, that's okay. Everybody is different. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. Use them accordingly to be more successful.

While you may not start out being be able to talk to a stranger and have a conversation. You can build up to it. Who do you talk to, even briefly ? The mailman, if he hands you mail do you thank him ? Add to it, wish him a nice day. You pay for your groceries, comment on the weather, add bits and pieces as you grow. Once you get momentum going you will grow in ability and confidence. Heck if someone calls you and it's a wrong number, engage them. Ask if they always call the wrong number first. Good experience with someone you'll never see or hear from again.

Did you ever see the movie The Bad News Bears, the original one ? Near the end of the movie a small boy doesn't want to go in and bat, he wants to sit on the bench and have someone else who can bat go in so they can win the game. Buttermaker ( the coach ) asks him if he came into life to sit on the bench ? Now get out there and do the best you can.

Lots of wisdom there. Get out and do the best you can. I think you'll find your successes in the trying. Then you'll start feeling better about yourself and start having more good days.

And please keep in touch. We care about you.
Ferret

[Ferret]

Had another thought.

Check out Toastmasters.

I can pretty much guarantee there will be people there shyer than you.
Ferret

[Becky10]

Thank you guys for your support, it really helps so much.
I have been working on getting out there more and talking which at some points can be so frightening then others a piece of cake. I am going to audition for a Shakespeare condensed show which I hope will help. (I have problems talking one on one with people in social situations but for whatever reason I have no problem whatsoever acting or doing a speech) if i can get in I feel it can help me a lot because I will be spending a lot of time with the other 5 membersand its a small enough group for me to not be able to shrink into the walls.
Some recent things: I switched to an unlimited plan so I can contact my friend anytime I need now and my sister is moving back from Italy which I know will help.

I would really like to go to the doctors and discuss what is going on with me. extreme anxiety or depression are things that have been rolling around in my head after I took a look at this and realized this had been happening for a much longer time I had thought.
I have to talk to my father about it first (I am still under his insurance).

Faire is one of the times I am truly the happiest and having this forum that is filled with kind supportive people who love it as much as me is really an amazing thing.


Once again thank you all for your support and hugs, it has made me feel so much better.