Are you a Mischevious Imp?

[DonaCatalina]

Are you the type who can't resist a zinger when someone leaves themself wide open?
"I wasted the whole weekend and didn't get a single chore down." Reply "A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend."

Share your best unexpected comebacks with us.

[justsomeguytn]

My local comic book store owner is a huge ABBA fan (also a straight male, important later).  We were having a discussion on the merits (or lack there of) of ABBA.  He says "Hey, I lost my virginity to an ABBA song!".  I say "Really, what was his name?"

[Merlin the Elder]

Most of my comebacks aren't suitable for mixed company... But I must relate a very funny and absolutely true story.

A close friend of my son, who has become a successful author of children's and adult novels (my son's friend, that is), has a clever and bizarre sense of humour. He decided at some point several years ago that he needed to keep a jar of Grey Poupon in his car's glove box, just in case someone ever asked for it...like the commercials, if you remember them.

One evening, while he was visiting friends in Ann Arbor, they were out driving. Some rowdy guys in a pickup pulled up beside him and his friends. They were itching to start something. One of the smart-arsed fellows leaned out of the window and said, "Excuse me! Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?" Kevin reached into the glove box, retrieved the small jar, and handed it to the young man.

Kevin and his party drove off while the rowdies sat in their truck with tears running down their cheeks. I only wish I was that mischievous. The mind is slowing down a little...I used to be able to get in through the verbal openings.

[Noble Dreg]

My local comic book store owner is a huge ABBA fan (also a straight male, important later).  We were having a discussion on the merits (or lack there of) of ABBA.  He says "Hey, I lost my virginity to an ABBA song!".  I say "Really, what was his name?"

Now your just getting offensive!!!   

The two "A's" in ABBA, Agnetha and Anna are enough for me! 

[Rapier Half-Wit]

My teenaged son has a new cell phone and the little twit had already configured his text auto-signature with "Mr. Awesome." So when he responds to my first text, I get his auto-signature, "Mr. Awesome." With my eyebrows raised I quickly reply "Mr. Awesome is it? Well, who's your daddy?" His girlfriend thought it was hilarious.

[Welsh Wench]

Biker dude at Bluesboro: Damn, you're fine!
Me: *drawling* Hey, how's yo' mama?
Biker dude: Um..uh...fine......

[Lady Christina de Pond]

coworker: i haven't seen my husband all day
me: don't worry i haven't seen mine either
( ofcourse i haven't seen mine he hasn't found me yet)

[Capt Spleen]

Scarby - Rendezvous - Sunday - witnessed by me:

At the first bridge right of entrance gate on the other side from where the bakery is.

A shire woman with a live rat is giving a talk on rats. Care of rats, and as she was winding up her talk, she said, " so you come pet the rat, tip the rat" .......... Sean Daniels is walking towards this bridge. And without stoppiong, says "I was born in the year of the rat! You can pet me! You can tip me!" .....the crowd turned to see who was taliking,  Then Sean Daniels added "Nah, just kidding." And keeps walking.......

[JimsDana]

I believe everyone has used this,
KISS MY A...donkey!!
I will as soon as I see him/her!

[irish]

My friend and I were in a candy shop, where it was all handmade...yummmmmm . She said to me, within hearing range of the owner......' I wonder why they named these nonpareils'?
I answered....'because they aren't pareils!' LMAO! 
The owner almost fell to the floor laughing!
She of course smacked me one! But she did get some free nonpareils! 

[Tammy]

coworker: i haven't seen my husband all day
me: don't worry i haven't seen mine either
( ofcourse i haven't seen mine he hasn't found me yet)

I haven't seen my husband in years. 

It's true! I'm still married, but we've been separated since 2005!

[Lady Kett]

We were celebrating a coworker's birthday today with a cheesecake and red velvet cake. Said birthday girl proceeds to say how she doesn't like cake which is why she requested the cheesecake. Added that her son doesn't like cake and her ex-husband doesn't like cake. She says, very profoundly to the group, "Birthday cake just never did well at our house."

And I asked..."So, did you have birthday broccoli or what?"

My boss about snorted red velvet cake through his nose...

[Capt Gabriela Fullpepper]

A grungy overly drunk pirate walks up to me last year at CoRF in the Pirates Pub. I was standing there holding my camera. He gives me a funny look and says "What's that, a camera? I looked him right in the eye and said. "No it's a Canon and I'm going to shoot you with it!" I pointed my canon at him and shot his photo. His photo is here http://www.pbase.com/delaneyalysa/image/115183966 In reality my camera is Not a Canon but a Panasonic but I liked telling him it was a camera.

[Molden]

We were setting up camp at TRF a few years ago, when I noticed one of the local police officers rolling by on a 4-wheeler...with a lovely young lass seated behind him, holding him tightly for support.

As he passed our camp within ear-shot, I pipe up and yell

"NICE GROUND-SCORE OFFICER!"

He grinned whilst the rest of the camp ducked for cover.

[Lady Christina de Pond]

ok so a friend of mine and i've had tickets to see eclipse for a few weeks well i emailed her a few minutes ago and said look i'm not gonna be able to do tonight.....
then below it i said rofl i'm estactic and can't wait to see the movie

[LadyFae]

My husband was registering for a movie card (long time ago.)  The gal asked for his number and he responded with, "SHHH!  Not in front of my girlfriend!"  Oh man did that poor girl turn red!

[Hoowil]

coworker: i haven't seen my husband all day
me: don't worry i haven't seen mine either
( ofcourse i haven't seen mine he hasn't found me yet)

I haven't seen my husband in years. 

It's true! I'm still married, but we've been separated since 2005!

My parents separated in '93. They just got divorced last summer. More of my life was spent with them married but seperated than with them married and together.

[Tammy]

I haven't seen my husband in years. 

It's true! I'm still married, but we've been separated since 2005!

My parents separated in '93. They just got divorced last summer. More of my life was spent with them married but seperated than with them married and together.

Not really funny, but I had to laugh at this because....My parents married in 76. Separated in 90. Have not divorced to date!! I was ten when they split (I'm 30 now!), and they didn't want to risk a judge telling them what to do with me. So, for years they didn't divorce, then by the time a judge couldn't mess with any of us...it had been SO long that they didn't see the logic in spending the money on a divorce. I don't mind, as it's saved both my parents from marrying crazy folks!

[BubbleWright]

Years ago I put together a Kite Day event for an Employees Activity Association where I worked. I got a number of my hard core kiter friends to come to show off their kites. As for my kites, what I wasn't flying, I had lain out on the ground for display. One 4 year old was so entranced by my 8 foot tall Japanese fighting kite, he walked on it to the center to get a good view. I walked over to gently get him to move but his mother (with whom I worked) rushed over and scooped him off the kite. She apologized profusely but I thought it was no big deal... 4 year olds do things like that- it's in their contract. The following Monday Mom caught up to me in the break room, again apologizing. I said nothing, which she took as disapproval. Finally she said "Oh come on Felix, you like little children!", to which I replied dryly "Yes... barbequed...". After a millisecond of silence, those in the break room burst out in laughter and my friend fled back to her office. She didn't talk to me for 2 weeks.

[Hoowil]

I run a cafe, and routinely get customers who ask for extra room for cream in their coffees. One more than one occasion I've handed them cups with maybe a teaspoon of coffee in it, just to see if/how they react.

One of the ladies who does the food at one of our other sites was complaining about being busy today, and just asked the air "Where could all these people have come from?" I think i paused maybe half a second before replying "Well, from their parents most likely." She was so stuned by it that one of the other ladies working proceeded to go into the classic "birds & bees" lecture, just to keep it going. The poor woman ran and hid in the back room until she could stop blushing.

[Noble Dreg]

Went with some of my business reps to a restaurant in Newport beach the other day (travel for work).  Ask the hostess for a table by the Pier, said none would be available for an hour...I said "Well I think 'George' here disagrees" (pulled out a dollar).  Of course I did it with an 'over the top' attitude.

We waited 5 minutes.   

[Butch]

One of the ladies who does the food at one of our other sites was complaining about being busy today, and just asked the air "Where could all these people have come from?" I think i paused maybe half a second before replying "Well, from their parents most likely." She was so stuned by it that one of the other ladies working proceeded to go into the classic "birds & bees" lecture, just to keep it going. The poor woman ran and hid in the back room until she could stop blushing.

HA!  I had something like that happen to me once.  We had an office meeting, and during the meeting, one person asked:  "Where did these people come from?".  I looked at that person, folded my hands, and said:  "When a man and a woman love each other very much..."

[Kate XXXXXX]

At a recent frocking weekend, my pal and I were stuffing toy filling into fronts of the corsets on the dress dummies to fill them out to the proper silhouette.  The toy stuffing was christened 'spare tits', naturally.  Afterwards, I threw the toy stuffing into a bag with Green House on it.  Later I was asked where the toy stuffing was.  Without even thinking I said: The spare tits are in the Green House!

We got onto talking about the menopause, the way that Women Of A Certain Age do...  Her comment: You're the same all year round: it's like being a man, only clever!

[holierthanthou]

The gentleman I work with and I are always quipping off of each other as alter egos.  The other day a patron said she just loved him.  He immediatley turned to me and said... "She loves me!"  I said to her "The exorcisms will start immediately madame!"  To which he replied with a lecherous grin... "I'll give her some exorcising!"  I was left blushing.