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Funnies - Rated "G"

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festmum:
I know we have a joke stream in John's Inn, but I thought it would be nice to have a place for the milder jokes that can be shared with everyone.

Let me start with this one!


The Moped

 
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '
That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
Why does it cost so much?'
Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour, states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
Mind if I take a look inside ?   No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 140 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari --the doctor asks himself.  He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 170 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 195 mph.

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
All the way up past 200 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

 

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

*Teach*:
At monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

*and no... it wasn't rum*

Lady Christina de Pond:
TEACH!!!!!!!!!!!

be glad your not in range i would throw something at you

Lady Christina de Pond:
a little old man named teach(never ever miss with an authoress)
couldn't hear anything so the fellow got hearing aids but the poor thing
had them so low he couldn't here anything
well teach convienced a lady to help him turn it up
a few days later the lady saw teach and he didn't have his hearing aid
in.
the lady asked teach where they were and teach
wait for it



teach said "I heard more than i wanted to hear"

Leyla:
What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?

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Dam

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