Author Topic: Funnies - Rated "G"  (Read 19321 times)

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Offline Dance_Dance

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2009, 12:53:36 AM »
Yay, joke attack time!  ;D

Two priests stood by the side of a forested road, holding up a sign that said, "The end is near!  Find salvation while you can!"

Soon enough, a man driving a brand new sports car sees them and slows down enough to shout at them, "Stop forcing your religious beliefs on the rest of us, you zealous nuts!"

He floored it and whipped around the corner.  Very soon, the priest heard the tires squeal and a huge splash.

One of the priests turned to his buddy and said, "You think we should've just said, 'Bridge Out'?"

----

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: Fsh! [It's better spoken]

---

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter "R" ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" 

----

A little boy and his mother attended a wedding of a friend of the family. The little boy looked around and then got his mother's attention.

"Why are all the women wearing white, Mommy?" he asked.

She answered, "Because it's a happy occasion for them and they want to celebrate."

The boy thought on this for a moment and then asked, "Why are all the men wearing black?"

----

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

----

On a Spanish Naval ship, the cabin boy runs into the captain's quarters and says, "Captain! There's a pirate ship that's about to catch us!"

The captain, very calmly, says, "Bring me my red shirt."

So the cabin boy does and then the two go to the top decks, where they join the crew in a glorious battle that lasted all day long. The pirates were defeated and the Spanish Navy did not lose a single man.

As the crew was checking out the damages, the cabin boy went to his captain and asked, "Before the fighting, you asked for your red shirt. Why?"

"Because if I were to be stabbed or shot, no one would notice the blood and my men will not lose fate and continue to fight," the captain replies.

The cabin boy is in awe of his captain for the rest of the day. The next day, the cabin boy was sent to the captain's quarters again. "Captain! There's ten pirate ships coming and they're almost here!"

"Bring my brown pants." 

----

Three guys were sitting around at a bar, two of them bragging about how much control they have over their wives, while the other one was silent. Finally, one of the braggers turns to the third guy and says, "Hey, man, how much control do you have over your old lady?"

The third guy sips his beer and says, "Last night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were very impressed. One asked, "And then what happened?"

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and face me like a man!'"

----

Sandy was learning to play the bagpipes. One night, while he was strutting about the room, piping for all he was worth, his wife attempted a mild protest.

"That's an awful noise your making," she said.

Sandy sat down and took off his boots; then got up and resumed piping in his stocking-ed feet.

Offline Dominic_Deegan

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #16 on: February 14, 2009, 04:22:45 PM »
A bus full of catholic school girls was on its way to an after school rally when it crashed. Unfortunately, no one survived and the girls all found themselves lined up in front of Heaven's Gates.

"Elizabeth, step forward please." St. Peter directed to the first girl and she obeyed as he flipped through his book. "Lets see, you've lead a very straight and clean life, except for one little thing. Is there anything you'd like to confess to me, child?"

"Well, um...Yes, there is." Elizabeth fidgeted embarassed. "Last summer, I touched my boyfriend's..Well, you know..."

"Wash your hands in the Holy Water, my child, and you may enter." St. Peter pointed to a bowl of Holy Water. She did as she was told and entered Heaven. "Susan, step forward please." St. Peter said to the next girl. "Do you have anything to confess?"

"Yes, there is. A month ago, my gym teacher let me put his you-know-what in my mouth." Susan blushed furiously.

"Rinse your mouth with the Holy Water and you may enter, my child." St. Peter instructed. Susan did as she was told and moved on.

Suddenly, there was a commotion from the back of the line. A girl was frantically trying to push her way to the front. Once she got there, she approached St. Peter and said "If Mary is going to have to stick her butt in the water then I want to go first!"

"

 
"If you like rainbows, then you'll have to get used to the rain."

Offline anne of oaktower

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #17 on: February 14, 2009, 06:32:02 PM »
That's a good one, Deegan, but this section is for the G-rated ones.  Check out "Humor" in John's Inn, where we post the PG ones  ;)
aka: Oak-hearted Annie / Anne of Oak Barrel / Barefoot Annie

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Offline RumbaRue

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #18 on: February 15, 2009, 01:11:24 PM »






Being Blond means I have the right to walk into any wall.

Offline Noble Dreg

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #19 on: February 15, 2009, 01:50:04 PM »
"Pyrites"...LOL!
"Why a spoon cousin? Why not an axe?"
Because it's dull you twit, it'll hurt more. Now SEW, and keep the stitches small

Offline anne of oaktower

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #20 on: February 15, 2009, 04:09:56 PM »
ROFL!  Good ones RumbaRue!
aka: Oak-hearted Annie / Anne of Oak Barrel / Barefoot Annie

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Offline Tremayne

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #21 on: February 17, 2009, 11:22:14 AM »
Much as I enjoyed the comics Rumba Rue posted, and as unlikely as it seems these author/artists would visit this site, posting them is a violation of copyright.  :-\  Best to be careful about that sort of thing.

At least we all now know to watch for them in the newspaper or bookstore.  ;)
I am but mad north-northwest; when the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw. --Shakespeare via Hamlet.

Offline RumbaRue

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #22 on: February 17, 2009, 12:15:57 PM »
That's why I have the title of the comic strip and the creator's name. It's not like I'm not showing it, in which case yes it would be a problem. ;)
Being Blond means I have the right to walk into any wall.

Offline Tremayne

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #23 on: February 17, 2009, 01:51:01 PM »
Actually giving credit protects you from accusations of plagiarism. It does not protect you or this site from accusations of copyright infringement. Copyright means the author/artists has control of who they grant permission to showcase their work, and how many times and in what medium and to negotiate a price for use. For instance, with the magazine I work on some photographers allow us to use their photos on the web without an additional fee. Others, usually the professionals, only grant permission to use the image in the magazine. If we want to use it again on the web, even to illustrate the same article, we need to pay them again.

And with that I'll step off my soapbox  ;D  and say no more about it.
I am but mad north-northwest; when the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw. --Shakespeare via Hamlet.

Offline NoBill Lurker

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #24 on: February 17, 2009, 06:19:03 PM »
What's purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?





A 4 door grape!  ;D
So what are you doing this weekend?
I'm going to BARF!!!
You're going to...wait...WHAT???

Offline Noble Dreg

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #25 on: February 17, 2009, 07:24:06 PM »
Theology of your pet:

A dog thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, he must be god.

A cat thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, I must be god.
"Why a spoon cousin? Why not an axe?"
Because it's dull you twit, it'll hurt more. Now SEW, and keep the stitches small

Offline anne of oaktower

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #26 on: February 17, 2009, 08:09:36 PM »
Theology of your pet:

A dog thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, he must be god.

A cat thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, I must be god.

Truer words have ne'er been spoken!
aka: Oak-hearted Annie / Anne of Oak Barrel / Barefoot Annie

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

Offline DonaCatalina

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #27 on: March 27, 2009, 03:08:16 PM »
1.   In Texas, farmers can almost harvest boiled potatoes. That’s how hot the sun is shining up there.
2.   The best dressed women in Texas are those wearing fine jewelry, a beautiful nightgown, and a sleek black cowboy boots.
3.   Texas humor teaches you that Texans don’t have accents. You simply can’t understand Texas language.
4.   The summer of Texas is so hot trees are whistling for the dogs.
5.   In Texas, taxidermy is a very honorable profession.
6.   To drive in Texas, you have to forget all the driving rules you learned from the other States.
7.   Texas humor stories always say that going to Texas is like going to an entirely different country. That’s not true. You don’t need a visa to go to Texas. Good vision is all you need.
8.   If you want to drink beer in Texas bars, you have to hold the bottle with your fingers covering the label. Not doing so is impolite.
9.   Texans are not couch potatoes. They just love watching TV on a Saturday night.
10.   Going to church on a Sunday is mandatory in Texas. Skip mass and you’ll never see the pastor in his boots.
11.   In the Texan language, all questions should end in a preposition.
12.   If you want to drive in Texas in July, you have to learn how to drive using only your fingers – you can’t hold the entire steering wheel because it is too hot.
13.   In Texas, you measure distance in hours. (like Lubbock is 8 hours from Houston - who knows how many miles it is)
14.   Texas has all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
15.   In Texas, a carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. (Exceptions made for Dr. Pepper)
Aurum peccamenes multifariam texit
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Offline heavy_hammer

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2009, 10:25:16 PM »
Texas schmexas!

 Do you know how to bury a Texan in a shoe box?

 Right before he (or she) dies... give 'em an enema!

  ;)

Offline Tipsy Gypsy

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #29 on: March 30, 2009, 07:24:09 AM »
One day God and St. Peter are walking around Heaven. God points down to this little piece of paradise and says, "You see that? Thats Texas. I gave them the hottest women, the most handsome men. They have enough natural resources to run their own country. I allowed thier government to place the national Space program in Texas. The state is so big that you can drive all day and still be in the wonderful state."

St. Peter replied, "Lord, don't you think that making one spot on earth so wonderful might throw off the balance of the planet?"

God simply looked at Peter and replied, "NAH, I balanced it out. Wait'll you see who thery're getting for upstairs neighbors!

 ;) ;)
« Last Edit: March 30, 2009, 07:25:06 AM by Tipsy Gypsy »
"It's just water, officer, I swear. And yeast. And a little honey. How the alcohol got in, I have no idea!"

 

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