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Author Topic: Funnies - Rated "G"  (Read 19332 times)

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Offline RenStarr

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #165 on: July 11, 2014, 12:13:41 PM »
Steven Wright...

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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Spiced rum....hmmmmm
Greetings, try this.
Starr Gazzer.
2013 TRF AHE RenNado.....heck of a night!!

http://forums.wearephoenixrisen.com/

Offline Merlin the Elder

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #166 on: July 12, 2014, 11:04:32 PM »
Steven Wright is one of my very favourites... Thanks, RenStarr!
Living life in the slow lane
ROoL #116; the Jack of Daniels; AARP #7; SS# 000-00-0013
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
...and may all your babies be born naked...

Offline Bob of the Lake

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #167 on: July 13, 2014, 09:25:55 AM »
Me too. And one of my favorite Steven Wright gems: How deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
I came, I saw, I skipped to my lou.
            - Hammy the Squirrel

Offline RenStarr

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #168 on: July 13, 2014, 08:56:22 PM »
He certainly has a unique perspective on things. 

I like the last one:  If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Spiced rum....hmmmmm
Greetings, try this.
Starr Gazzer.
2013 TRF AHE RenNado.....heck of a night!!

http://forums.wearephoenixrisen.com/

Offline Lady Christina de Pond

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #169 on: August 04, 2014, 06:53:27 PM »
preacher giving a sermon ask the congregation" if you wrote a letter to your spouse what would it say"
the single girl on the second row answers "where are you?"
Helmswoman of the Fiesty Lady
Lady Ashley of De Coals
Militissa in the Frati della Beata Gloriosa Vergine Mari

Offline RenStarr

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #170 on: May 30, 2015, 09:36:07 AM »
POLICE INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF A SHOOTING
A police officer called the police dispatch on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Spiced rum....hmmmmm
Greetings, try this.
Starr Gazzer.
2013 TRF AHE RenNado.....heck of a night!!

http://forums.wearephoenixrisen.com/

Offline RenStarr

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #171 on: May 30, 2015, 09:39:12 AM »
A little boy about 9 years old walks out on to a frozen lake where there are a few older anglers already sitting around their ice holes fishing. The boy sets up his pole, drills a hole & starts fishing. About 5 minutes goes by & he already has caught a few fish & has gotten the attention of the older anglers. Another 10 minutes goes by & the boy has caught a few more fish. One of the older fisherman walks over to the boy & ask's..."what's your secret"? the boy reply's with mumbling & a closed mouth. The older angler ask a 2nd time ... "what's your secret" ... the boy mumbles again with a closed mouth, so the angler ask's a 3rd time ... "whats your secret"? The boy holds out his hand & spits a pile of worms in it & reply's ..."you got to keep your worms warm!

 :P
Spiced rum....hmmmmm
Greetings, try this.
Starr Gazzer.
2013 TRF AHE RenNado.....heck of a night!!

http://forums.wearephoenixrisen.com/

Offline RenStarr

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #172 on: May 30, 2015, 09:46:31 AM »
 
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
Spiced rum....hmmmmm
Greetings, try this.
Starr Gazzer.
2013 TRF AHE RenNado.....heck of a night!!

http://forums.wearephoenixrisen.com/

Offline BubbleWright

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #173 on: November 26, 2015, 10:03:33 AM »
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up. He yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
   Antoine de St. Exupery

Offline Merlin the Elder

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #174 on: November 28, 2015, 12:59:36 PM »
LOL!
Living life in the slow lane
ROoL #116; the Jack of Daniels; AARP #7; SS# 000-00-0013
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
...and may all your babies be born naked...

Offline BubbleWright

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #175 on: January 02, 2016, 08:18:39 AM »
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled.

“It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Chief!”

“Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.”

“Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do ….”
"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
   Antoine de St. Exupery

Offline Butch

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #176 on: January 21, 2016, 12:48:46 PM »
ONE

This Marine, all messed up from Vietnam, went to the hospital to get checked. Because of the war, his brain was all screwed up, and all he could say was the words to the Marines hymn.
So the doctor asked his name, he replied, "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor decided to remove part of his brain, thinking that would cure it. When the doctor did this, the Marine still said "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor figured he did not remove enough of the brain. So after removing some more, the marine still only said "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor, now getting frustrated, decided to take the rest of the brain out. Now the Marine, with no brain, stood up and started singing, "Be all that you can be..."


TWO

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.

Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


THREE

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.

There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."

FOUR
What does a Marine call an airplane?  He points to the sky and says:  "MMMUUUUUUHHHH!"

FIVE
If you go to a party, where a lot of Marines are invited, how do you know which ones are pilots?  They'll tell you.

Offline Merlin the Elder

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #177 on: January 21, 2016, 07:22:25 PM »
I thought you were a jarhead, Butch.... These were funny! Thanks!
Living life in the slow lane
ROoL #116; the Jack of Daniels; AARP #7; SS# 000-00-0013
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
...and may all your babies be born naked...

Offline Butch

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Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
« Reply #178 on: October 16, 2017, 03:25:00 PM »
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump the wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find out the woman is actually alive.  She lives for 10 more years and then dies.  A ceremony is again held at the same church, and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they are walking, the husband calls out "Watch out for that wall!".


 

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