Funnies - Rated "G"

[Merlin the Elder]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[Rowan MacD]

A police recruit was asked in his exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

He replied, "Call for backup."

[Anna Iram]

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

ROTFL!!!


Thanks guys. Needed a good laugh this morning. I'll search my brain and give back later.

[Lady Christina de Pond]

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   

you never know how true this is until you watch a team in south america play punch bug or vw punch and the ages went from 16-60

[arbcoind]

No. 2...

ROFL!

Gina

[Rowan MacD]

Worlds Easiest Quiz......Or Is It?

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!













Answers to The Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A: 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

A: Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

A: Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A: November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

A: Squirrel fur (hmmm)

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?

A: Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

A: Albert

What color is a purple finch?

A: Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

A: New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

A: Orange, of course.

[Merlin the Elder]

I was going to answer "King" to number 7...

[DonaCatalina]

Things I have learned from my dogs:
~ Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Hungry? Let someone know. Have to go the bathroom? Rock it. Want attention? Butt people in the leg until they pet you into a love-loves coma. Dogs make it obvious their wishes and wants, and they make it increasingly more obvious until their desires are satisfied.

~Enjoy the simple things. Eating a meal is a highlight of the day, and a walk in the park is just as good as it gets. Dogs really know how to appreciate the most basic things in our lives.

~Greet people like you haven't seen them in a million years. It makes me feel so loved, so appreciated. I'm trying to greet people like that, with genuine excitement, and real love. You'd be amazed at the response you get.

~Assume that everyone adores you. This sounds conceited, but it's essentially the recipe for confidence. Assume that no one is immune to your cuteness and your charm overcomes all obstacles, and people will begin to believe you.

~Spend as much time as you can with the ones you love. Lets be honest, dogs like to be in the center of the action--and at least mine likes to be the center of attention. But she's happy as long as she's with her family--nothing is more important to her. Maybe we all need to reprioritize like a dog does.

[Anna Iram]

 ..and that's why I love dogs so much.

From the Cat:

Things You Can Learn From Your Cat

taken from:
http://www.nanceestar.com/CatHumor.html


Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."

When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.

[Lady Christina de Pond]

things l've learned from my cats

there is no better tasting food than the food someone is taking away with a broom

don't give up no matter how bad the broom is wooping you it adventually gives up and goes away

purr often someone is bound to pick you up

it's not the size of cat in the fight it's the fight within the cat

things i've learned from my dog

love freely sometimes people are hurting and need you

Be protective of those you Love

Play with your favorite toys even if it wears out atleast you got to enjoy it

greet people when they come home as if they have been gone for days

[Merlin the Elder]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, only William was left.

"William, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of Whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets; killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke; and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[Rowan MacD]

There is a funny school answering machine message (NOT REAL) it used
to be online as a sound file....If anyone has a link let me know.   

   Hello! you have reached the automated answering service of (insert school name here)
In order to better assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to the following options:

* To lie about why your child is absent, press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work/homework, press 2

* To complain about how we do our jobs, press 3

* To swear at staff members, press 4...your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and the several flyers mailed to you, press 5

* If you want us to raise your child, press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

* To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

* To complain about bus transportation, press 9

* To complain about school lunches, press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . .hang up and have a nice day!"

[DonaCatalina]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Rowan MacD]

A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"

[Rowan MacD]

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them? "