Funnies - Rated "G"

[Butch]

A gentlemen was driving in his car one night, and ran a stop sign.

A policeman pulled him over, and said "Sir, you failed to stop at the stop sign."

The man replied "I slowed down for it."

Policeman  "You failed to stop."

Man  "I slowed down.  What's the difference?"

The policeman immediately pulled the man from his car, and began beating him with his nightstick.  The policeman stopped momentarily and said  "Do you want me to stop, or slow down?"

[Rowan MacD]

All I need to know about life I learned in the military

   1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
   2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
   3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
   4. There is always a way.
   5. The easy way is always mined.
   6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
   7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
   8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
         1. when you are ready for them
         2. when you are not ready for them
   9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
  17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
  19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  21. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

[KeeperoftheBar]

22.  Regarding C-Rats (us oldsters) and MREs (you youngsters)
      If you are hungry enough, ANYTHING tastes good.

[CaraGreenleaf]

I'll have to go through my list of jokes and dig out a couple clean ones!!

[Merlin the Elder]

I have to do a rewrite to put any on this side of the line...

[DonaCatalina]

http://www.27bslash6.com/trash.html

[Merlin the Elder]

You have successfully changed my dour demeanor (due to the past several days of non-stop rain and flooding) to one of delight, Doña. Thank you for making my day.

[Lady Kett]

http://www.27bslash6.com/trash.html

LOL That is hysterical.

[Lady Rebecca]

That was absolutely wonderful. I almost choked laughing. 

[arbcoind]

86 photos of his dog!!! 

Gina

[Pinn]

I had to send it to other people. 

[CaraGreenleaf]

I must say: EPIC WIN!!!!

[dbaldock]

From a co-worker:

STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
 
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

While looking at the photograph, if you find more than one or two differences, then you need to -
Go on holiday.




No need to Reply, I'll be on Holiday...


Two Dolphins

   

[Pinn]

I reckon I need to go on vacation

[Rowan MacD]

  That settles it! I'm heading up to Mn for the Celtic heavy athletic games next week.