How would you reconcile with a family member?

[Mairte]

I am not going to go into the whole scenario but would you come out of the shoot blaming and cussing or would you approach it with a little more tact? I know this probably varies from person to person.
Sigh. I have found out I do not react well to invalid accusations and become a bit of a smart a##. Which I am sure doesnt help matters.

[Betty Munro]

It never helps to place blame or throw out accusations.  Both parties have to want to reconcile, and both parties have to be willing to move past the hurt and give up the need for restitution.  Sometimes writing an "I" letter will help.  As in, I am sorry for the event that occurred.  (This is not admitting fault.)  I miss you.  I felt such and such.  I would like for such and such to happen in the future.  You can explain how you viewed the situtation, but then you need to allow for the fact that 2 people involved in the same event can come up with 2 entirely different descriptions.

Sometimes reconciliation is not possible.  Depends on the details.  Toxic people that don't recognise their behavior and can't or won't make changes have to be kept at a distance for your own emotional health.

I wish you the best.  Family is important!

[Mairte]

Thanks Betty. YES, family IS important. Something unfair said last night REALLY lit the gas to the fire (and I can be somewhat irish tempermental anyway). This is one of my closest family members and I just wish I could learn to be the bigger person and keep my trap shut.

[Anna Iram]

Mairte, start by looking at yourself. Really looking deep inside to understand why you react the way you do when around this person. Yes, there might be some event that sparked this, but the turmoil that makes you act out is inside of you. Be honest with yourself and dig deep. When you discover what it is,  and most likely it is something fear based,  you'll have found your magic key.

[Auryn]

I agree with Anna and Betty,
that being said, sometimes, just because someone is a family member doesn't mean they are not a total ^#@(*$^.
Sometimes because 'its family' people allow themselves to be treated in horrible ways which they would not normally allow. I don't condone this, so if thats the kind of situation this is, I say you don't need reconciliation.
Yes family is important, but only when that family is loving and supporting. If someone is a toxic kind of person, you don't need them in your life.

Can you tell I am glad I live several thousands of miles away from certain family members .

I can tell you from my personal experience- spent 10 years trying to get my brother to like me and go back to the relationship we used to have up until we were 18 years old. Nothing has worked- so now I only see him at my parent's house and I mostly ignore all the bs that comes out of his mouth for the sake of my parents. If my parent's werent around- Id lay into him once and never speak to him again.

[Mairte]

Thanks all.
I guess a bit of back story.
This is one of my daughters. With my kids, time after time, I sacrificed for them when they were growing up. I gave birth to them for chrissakes!! Anything I could do for them I did. (STILL) I never throw it in their faces. I LOVE them.
Usually with my kids I am very "soft" and will forgive them anything.
So. I dont know what was with me last night, really.
The words that torched it all, from her, were "I put my life on HOLD for you guys".
Now. I am not saying she never did anything for myself and youngest daughter. I will give her full credit.
But with those words, something in me SNAPPED and as said, I was very smart a##, like I have never been with one of my own children. Extremely sarcastic.
Also, I dont believe either one of us is totally to blame for how this came about. It takes two people. She wanted to shift it ALL onto my shoulders and I wasnt having any of it.
So much for not explaining, huh?

[Betty Munro]

Possibly, YOU put YOUR life on hold?  So to hear someone else say it, as if they were the ONLY one; I can see the reason for explosion.  I hope she doesn't think she's the only one who sacrificed, or the only one who should get an atta girl for it.  Hopefully it is a simple matter of what she meant to say was misinterpreted. 
She said: "I put my life on hold", (not said - too)
You heard: "I (not said - was the only one who) put my life on hold.
The way things are interpreted by our emotions can really blow things up in a hurry!

Taking out of the account how much anyone else (you) did ... did she put her life on hold?  Did she sacrifice her own wants for others?  Then she deserves that recognition.  It doesn't make what you did nonexistant, it sounds like she just needed to be acknowledged.

The blowup is over.  It sounds like you are not happy that it happened.  She's your daughter.  Sounds like it is just time for a simple phone call.  If you get voice mail, then you could just say you are sorry.  Or ask her if she wants to join the new club you are starting.  It's the "I put my life on hold club".  Tell her you need a VP and would like for her to fill the position.  And tell her you love her.  (Even if she knows it, and you know she knows it, to hear it after a fight is a really big thing.) 
Seems to me that you both have invested your heart and souls in this family, don't let one night get in the way.

[Mairte]

Betty, you are right.
Though, I HAVE given her recognition, time and again.    I didnt want her to think that even the least little thing she did for us was unappreciated and taken for granted. I have been there.
Modified to: I have made the phone call but had to leave a message. I would have prefered to have reached her but now we will just see.

[BLAKDUKE]

sometimes the words that have been spoken cannot be ignored, you cannot unring the bell.  There is more to this particular incident but way to involved to speak of.  The crowning glory was when mother and daughter are sitting on a porch talking and out of the clear blue the mother says "All I need are my boys" within the course of 30 minutes that statement is repeated 3 times.  Daughter gets up and leaves and has not spoken to mother since and that was 15 years ago.  Sometimes you have to be carefull because we may have to live with the words that we wish were not said, even if it's   family or not.       

[Mairte]

How very true THAT is.    
On a better note. I heard from her. I apologized and brought up the "put your life on hold club" (lol, thanks Betty!), I also proposed that Grandma should be invited to join as well.
We both laughed and then she said "but do we REALLY have to start a club"? 
I will definitely sleep better tonight.
Thanks so much for all the good advice. HUGS!

[Betty Munro]

Awesome!  Sometimes all it takes to reconcile is to let the other person know you want to reconcile.  Sometimes you can wrap your hands around the bell and it will stop ringing.  Sometimes not.  I'm glad in this case it seems it will all be ok!

[Anna Iram]

Great advice, Betty.

Mairte, glad you were able to mend the tear before it became a gaping hole.

[Mairte]

Me too. And it's made all the difference in the way I feel emotionally. Lighter.