RenaissanceFestival.com Forums

Back Stage => Mundane Topics => Topic started by: festmum on June 12, 2008, 10:04:21 AM

Title: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: festmum on June 12, 2008, 10:04:21 AM
I know we have a joke stream in John's Inn, but I thought it would be nice to have a place for the milder jokes that can be shared with everyone.

Let me start with this one!


The Moped


An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '
That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
Why does it cost so much?'
Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour, states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
Mind if I take a look inside ?   No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 140 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHOOOOSSSHHH !
Something whips by him going much faster !

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari --the doctor asks himself.  He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 170 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 195 mph.

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
All the way up past 200 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.



The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: *Teach* on June 12, 2008, 11:36:10 AM
At monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

*and no... it wasn't rum*
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on June 12, 2008, 12:02:46 PM
TEACH!!!!!!!!!!!

be glad your not in range i would throw something at you
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on June 12, 2008, 12:11:42 PM
a little old man named teach(never ever miss with an authoress)
couldn't hear anything so the fellow got hearing aids but the poor thing
had them so low he couldn't here anything
well teach convienced a lady to help him turn it up
a few days later the lady saw teach and he didn't have his hearing aid
in.
the lady asked teach where they were and teach
wait for it



teach said "I heard more than i wanted to hear"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Leyla on June 13, 2008, 02:51:42 PM
What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?

...


...


...

...

Dam
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: *Teach* on June 13, 2008, 10:01:05 PM
Perspectives:

A professor wrote on the blackboard

"a woman without her man is nothing"

and told his students to punctuate it correctly.
v
v
v
v
v

The men wrote "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
v
v
v
v

The women wrote "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
v
v
v
v
v

*Teach wrote "Teach without rum, is sad*
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Tipsy Gypsy on June 14, 2008, 07:31:01 AM
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or  so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,  "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" 

Bill replied, "I have been in jail." 

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

The judge gave  me 30 days for perjury."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RumbaRue on June 14, 2008, 11:56:28 AM
Subject: Nice...joke....

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an weed kicker.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9 Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15 Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.



The Washington Post ( http://www.washingtonpost.com/ ) has also
published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.

13. Oyster , n a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

14. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

15. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: festmum on June 24, 2008, 10:14:37 AM
I loved this one...


A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish....

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said, that request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman truly happy.



The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on February 10, 2009, 01:19:54 PM
Bumper stickers

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Whistler Fred on February 10, 2009, 01:42:22 PM
I ran into this one recently and it put a smile on my face...

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
And when he picked up a CD player to place in his Sack, a strange
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Tipsy Gypsy on February 11, 2009, 06:27:15 PM

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "'Bout 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on February 12, 2009, 01:58:59 PM
An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, "Yes ma'am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde replied, "Nope, just up to my chest, I can splash it in my eyes."

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Dominic_Deegan on February 12, 2009, 03:22:40 PM
Hm...clean jokes, huh? That's a hard one for me, but I'll try! I've heard this one told all kinds of different ways, but this is one of the cleaner ones.

There was once a magic mirror that if you told it a lie, it would make you disappear into a realm of pain and horrors. If you told it a truth, it would grant you one wish. Three woman approached the mirror and took their turns. Each was confident that nothing would happen to them.

First up was a very ugly redhead who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in my town!" POOF! She was gone.

Next up was a frizzle-haired brunette who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think I'm the world's best hair stylist!" POOF! She was gone.

Last up was a beautiful blond woman who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think--" POOF!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Element of Air on February 12, 2009, 11:29:36 PM
Cup of Tea .

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?



My Dad actually sent this to me and asked me if I ever did that! Hahah I got my water from the sink or the bath tub faucet. (sp?)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Dance_Dance on February 13, 2009, 12:53:36 AM
Yay, joke attack time!  ;D

Two priests stood by the side of a forested road, holding up a sign that said, "The end is near!  Find salvation while you can!"

Soon enough, a man driving a brand new sports car sees them and slows down enough to shout at them, "Stop forcing your religious beliefs on the rest of us, you zealous nuts!"

He floored it and whipped around the corner.  Very soon, the priest heard the tires squeal and a huge splash.

One of the priests turned to his buddy and said, "You think we should've just said, 'Bridge Out'?"

----

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?

A: Fsh! [It's better spoken]

---

A priest dies and goes to heaven. There, he is met by a reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading Version" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the priest huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An "R"! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the priest sobs again, "It's the letter "R" ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" 

----

A little boy and his mother attended a wedding of a friend of the family. The little boy looked around and then got his mother's attention.

"Why are all the women wearing white, Mommy?" he asked.

She answered, "Because it's a happy occasion for them and they want to celebrate."

The boy thought on this for a moment and then asked, "Why are all the men wearing black?"

----

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

----

On a Spanish Naval ship, the cabin boy runs into the captain's quarters and says, "Captain! There's a pirate ship that's about to catch us!"

The captain, very calmly, says, "Bring me my red shirt."

So the cabin boy does and then the two go to the top decks, where they join the crew in a glorious battle that lasted all day long. The pirates were defeated and the Spanish Navy did not lose a single man.

As the crew was checking out the damages, the cabin boy went to his captain and asked, "Before the fighting, you asked for your red shirt. Why?"

"Because if I were to be stabbed or shot, no one would notice the blood and my men will not lose fate and continue to fight," the captain replies.

The cabin boy is in awe of his captain for the rest of the day. The next day, the cabin boy was sent to the captain's quarters again. "Captain! There's ten pirate ships coming and they're almost here!"

"Bring my brown pants." 

----

Three guys were sitting around at a bar, two of them bragging about how much control they have over their wives, while the other one was silent. Finally, one of the braggers turns to the third guy and says, "Hey, man, how much control do you have over your old lady?"

The third guy sips his beer and says, "Last night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were very impressed. One asked, "And then what happened?"

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and face me like a man!'"

----

Sandy was learning to play the bagpipes. One night, while he was strutting about the room, piping for all he was worth, his wife attempted a mild protest.

"That's an awful noise your making," she said.

Sandy sat down and took off his boots; then got up and resumed piping in his stocking-ed feet.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Dominic_Deegan on February 14, 2009, 04:22:45 PM
A bus full of catholic school girls was on its way to an after school rally when it crashed. Unfortunately, no one survived and the girls all found themselves lined up in front of Heaven's Gates.

"Elizabeth, step forward please." St. Peter directed to the first girl and she obeyed as he flipped through his book. "Lets see, you've lead a very straight and clean life, except for one little thing. Is there anything you'd like to confess to me, child?"

"Well, um...Yes, there is." Elizabeth fidgeted embarassed. "Last summer, I touched my boyfriend's..Well, you know..."

"Wash your hands in the Holy Water, my child, and you may enter." St. Peter pointed to a bowl of Holy Water. She did as she was told and entered Heaven. "Susan, step forward please." St. Peter said to the next girl. "Do you have anything to confess?"

"Yes, there is. A month ago, my gym teacher let me put his you-know-what in my mouth." Susan blushed furiously.

"Rinse your mouth with the Holy Water and you may enter, my child." St. Peter instructed. Susan did as she was told and moved on.

Suddenly, there was a commotion from the back of the line. A girl was frantically trying to push her way to the front. Once she got there, she approached St. Peter and said "If Mary is going to have to stick her butt in the water then I want to go first!"

"

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: anne of oaktower on February 14, 2009, 06:32:02 PM
That's a good one, Deegan, but this section is for the G-rated ones.  Check out "Humor" in John's Inn, where we post the PG ones  ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RumbaRue on February 15, 2009, 01:11:24 PM
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y287/RumbaRue/All%20kinds%20of%20pictures/Cartoons.jpg)

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y287/RumbaRue/All%20kinds%20of%20pictures/Cartoons001.jpg)

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y287/RumbaRue/All%20kinds%20of%20pictures/Lizardcartoon.jpg)

(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y287/RumbaRue/All%20kinds%20of%20pictures/catcartoon.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Noble Dreg on February 15, 2009, 01:50:04 PM
"Pyrites"...LOL!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: anne of oaktower on February 15, 2009, 04:09:56 PM
ROFL!  Good ones RumbaRue!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Tremayne on February 17, 2009, 11:22:14 AM
Much as I enjoyed the comics Rumba Rue posted, and as unlikely as it seems these author/artists would visit this site, posting them is a violation of copyright.  :-\  Best to be careful about that sort of thing.

At least we all now know to watch for them in the newspaper or bookstore.  ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RumbaRue on February 17, 2009, 12:15:57 PM
That's why I have the title of the comic strip and the creator's name. It's not like I'm not showing it, in which case yes it would be a problem. ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Tremayne on February 17, 2009, 01:51:01 PM
Actually giving credit protects you from accusations of plagiarism. It does not protect you or this site from accusations of copyright infringement. Copyright means the author/artists has control of who they grant permission to showcase their work, and how many times and in what medium and to negotiate a price for use. For instance, with the magazine I work on some photographers allow us to use their photos on the web without an additional fee. Others, usually the professionals, only grant permission to use the image in the magazine. If we want to use it again on the web, even to illustrate the same article, we need to pay them again.

And with that I'll step off my soapbox  ;D  and say no more about it.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: NoBill Lurker on February 17, 2009, 06:19:03 PM
What's purple and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?





A 4 door grape!  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Noble Dreg on February 17, 2009, 07:24:06 PM
Theology of your pet:

A dog thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, he must be god.

A cat thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, I must be god.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: anne of oaktower on February 17, 2009, 08:09:36 PM
Quote from: Noble Dreg on February 17, 2009, 07:24:06 PM
Theology of your pet:

A dog thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, he must be god.

A cat thinks, he feeds me, he shelters me, he takes good care of me, I must be god.

Truer words have ne'er been spoken!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on March 27, 2009, 03:08:16 PM
1.   In Texas, farmers can almost harvest boiled potatoes. That's how hot the sun is shining up there.
2.   The best dressed women in Texas are those wearing fine jewelry, a beautiful nightgown, and a sleek black cowboy boots.
3.   Texas humor teaches you that Texans don't have accents. You simply can't understand Texas language.
4.   The summer of Texas is so hot trees are whistling for the dogs.
5.   In Texas, taxidermy is a very honorable profession.
6.   To drive in Texas, you have to forget all the driving rules you learned from the other States.
7.   Texas humor stories always say that going to Texas is like going to an entirely different country. That's not true. You don't need a visa to go to Texas. Good vision is all you need.
8.   If you want to drink beer in Texas bars, you have to hold the bottle with your fingers covering the label. Not doing so is impolite.
9.   Texans are not couch potatoes. They just love watching TV on a Saturday night.
10.   Going to church on a Sunday is mandatory in Texas. Skip mass and you'll never see the pastor in his boots.
11.   In the Texan language, all questions should end in a preposition.
12.   If you want to drive in Texas in July, you have to learn how to drive using only your fingers – you can't hold the entire steering wheel because it is too hot.
13.   In Texas, you measure distance in hours. (like Lubbock is 8 hours from Houston - who knows how many miles it is)
14.   Texas has all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
15.   In Texas, a carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. (Exceptions made for Dr. Pepper)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: heavy_hammer on March 29, 2009, 10:25:16 PM
Texas schmexas!

Do you know how to bury a Texan in a shoe box?

Right before he (or she) dies... give 'em an enema!

  ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Tipsy Gypsy on March 30, 2009, 07:24:09 AM
One day God and St. Peter are walking around Heaven. God points down to this little piece of paradise and says, "You see that? Thats Texas. I gave them the hottest women, the most handsome men. They have enough natural resources to run their own country. I allowed thier government to place the national Space program in Texas. The state is so big that you can drive all day and still be in the wonderful state."

St. Peter replied, "Lord, don't you think that making one spot on earth so wonderful might throw off the balance of the planet?"

God simply looked at Peter and replied, "NAH, I balanced it out. Wait'll you see who thery're getting for upstairs neighbors!

;) ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: heavy_hammer on March 30, 2009, 08:18:15 AM
Quote from: Tipsy Gypsy on March 30, 2009, 07:24:09 AM


God simply looked at Peter and replied, "NAH, I balanced it out. Wait'll you see who thery're getting for upstairs neighbors!

;) ;)

Touche' Tipsy!
;) ;) ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on April 09, 2009, 10:00:59 AM
Caution: No matter how hard it might try, a possum is not a good substitute for a starter motor.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: KeeperoftheBar on March 10, 2010, 06:48:08 AM
What did King Henry do when he sneezed?

He issued a Royal Pardon.

I know, it is bad but it brings this topic back to life.

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Butch on March 10, 2010, 05:10:40 PM
Some of my RenFest jokes:

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.

Why do dragons sleep all day?  So they can fight knights.

What do you call it when King Henry has a sore throat?  A royal pain in the neck.

What's brown and sticky?  A stick.

Where is la Manche (the English Channel for you Islanders) the deepest?  On the bottom!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on March 12, 2010, 01:55:30 PM
Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"



Bedside Manners

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: VIII on March 15, 2010, 12:22:04 PM
Why did King Henry VIII go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Butch on April 15, 2010, 08:13:32 AM
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire..

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are
the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer,
or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're
ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find
a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to
the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: festmum on April 24, 2010, 10:21:04 AM
So glad to see my thread thriving!!!
;D

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on April 24, 2010, 10:56:29 AM
A little more Church Humor:

=====

Ain't Goin'

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don`t like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You`re 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

=====

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."

=====
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: KeeperoftheBar on April 29, 2010, 07:26:56 AM
"My wife always goes out dressed to kill.  She cooks the same way"
                                                       ~Henny Youngman~
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on July 20, 2010, 02:52:46 PM
Feel free to borrow/steal individually or en mass............. ;D ;D ;D

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu  -  The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating  -  Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding  -  A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A  bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a  mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on August 23, 2010, 04:39:59 PM
A Touching Funeral...


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so
the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,'
the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on October 13, 2010, 12:05:32 PM
Boudreaux was always the rabble rouser of the parish. His house was a mess, his yard was full of junk and he spent all his pay down at the dance hall chasing other mens' wives.

One Sunday morning Father Thiboideaux was surprised to see Boudreaux sitting in the front pew bright and early. The same thing hapened the next Sunday.

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and stopped laying around. He cleaned up his house, yard and got rid of all the junk cars. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux axed him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. Boudreaux explained, " I heard dat the Times-Picauyune was writin 'bout "Crisis in the Gulf" and if He's dat close I figger I bes' clean up my act."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: LadyFae on October 13, 2010, 01:54:53 PM
What do you call someone who isn't sure if they believe in Faeries?


Faegnostic    :D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Becky10 on October 14, 2010, 02:32:39 AM
Quote19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to
the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
My doctor thinks i am a hypochondriac cause i always wait till the last minute to go....Anyways

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to watch with fascination as the circles then lit up in the reverse direction.

When the walls opened again and out walked a beautiful 24-year-old woman, the man turns to his son and said, "Go get your Mother."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on October 14, 2010, 08:56:37 AM
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
 
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
 
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
 
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
 
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
 
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
 
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
 
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
 
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
 
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
 
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
 
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
 
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
 
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
 
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on October 14, 2010, 09:43:05 AM
A police recruit was asked in his exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

He replied, "Call for backup."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Anna Iram on October 14, 2010, 10:33:11 AM
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."

ROTFL!!!


Thanks guys. Needed a good laugh this morning. I'll search my brain and give back later. :)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on October 14, 2010, 12:31:11 PM
Quote from: Merlin the Elder on October 14, 2010, 08:56:37 AM


We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   

you never know how true this is until you watch a team in south america play punch bug or vw punch and the ages went from 16-60
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: arbcoind on October 14, 2010, 12:42:42 PM
No. 2...

ROFL!

Gina
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on October 14, 2010, 12:45:34 PM
Worlds Easiest Quiz......Or Is It?

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!













Answers to The Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

A: 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

A: Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

A: Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

A: November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

A: Squirrel fur (hmmm)

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal?

A: Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

A: Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?

A: Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

A: New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

A: Orange, of course.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on October 14, 2010, 01:25:09 PM
I was going to answer "King" to number 7...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on October 14, 2010, 02:25:40 PM
Things I have learned from my dogs:
~ Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Hungry? Let someone know. Have to go the bathroom? Rock it. Want attention? Butt people in the leg until they pet you into a love-loves coma. Dogs make it obvious their wishes and wants, and they make it increasingly more obvious until their desires are satisfied.

~Enjoy the simple things. Eating a meal is a highlight of the day, and a walk in the park is just as good as it gets. Dogs really know how to appreciate the most basic things in our lives.

~Greet people like you haven't seen them in a million years. It makes me feel so loved, so appreciated. I'm trying to greet people like that, with genuine excitement, and real love. You'd be amazed at the response you get.

~Assume that everyone adores you. This sounds conceited, but it's essentially the recipe for confidence. Assume that no one is immune to your cuteness and your charm overcomes all obstacles, and people will begin to believe you.

~Spend as much time as you can with the ones you love. Lets be honest, dogs like to be in the center of the action--and at least mine likes to be the center of attention. But she's happy as long as she's with her family--nothing is more important to her. Maybe we all need to reprioritize like a dog does.



Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Anna Iram on October 14, 2010, 10:21:30 PM
 ..and that's why I love dogs so much. :)

From the Cat:

Things You Can Learn From Your Cat

taken from:
http://www.nanceestar.com/CatHumor.html


Make the world your playground.

Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging
a sock over it helps.

If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard
until you do.

When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you
just to shut you up.

Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.

Nap often.

When in trouble, just purr and look cute.

Life is hard, and then you nap.

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few
hours.

When in doubt, cop an attitude.

Variety is the spice of Life. One day, ignore people;
the next day, annoy them.

Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains
are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.

Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the
bed tells them, "I care."

When you have something important to say, try to say
it in the dead of night when you're SURE everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention
you deserve.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on October 15, 2010, 08:29:49 AM
things l've learned from my cats

there is no better tasting food than the food someone is taking away with a broom

don't give up no matter how bad the broom is wooping you it adventually gives up and goes away

purr often someone is bound to pick you up

it's not the size of cat in the fight it's the fight within the cat

things i've learned from my dog

love freely sometimes people are hurting and need you

Be protective of those you Love

Play with your favorite toys even if it wears out atleast you got to enjoy it

greet people when they come home as if they have been gone for days
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on October 15, 2010, 02:21:30 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff, spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, only William was left.

"William, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of Whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets; killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke; and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on December 17, 2010, 02:29:01 PM
There is a funny school answering machine message (NOT REAL) it used
to be online as a sound file....If anyone has a link let me know.   

   Hello! you have reached the automated answering service of (insert school name here)
In order to better assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to the following options:

* To lie about why your child is absent, press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work/homework, press 2

* To complain about how we do our jobs, press 3

* To swear at staff members, press 4...your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and the several flyers mailed to you, press 5

* If you want us to raise your child, press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7

* To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8

* To complain about bus transportation, press 9

* To complain about school lunches, press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your children's lack of effort . . .hang up and have a nice day!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on January 29, 2011, 11:00:07 AM
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on March 11, 2011, 06:36:22 PM



A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on March 11, 2011, 06:38:08 PM
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them? "
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Butch on March 16, 2011, 09:11:38 PM
A gentlemen was driving in his car one night, and ran a stop sign.

A policeman pulled him over, and said "Sir, you failed to stop at the stop sign."

The man replied "I slowed down for it."

Policeman  "You failed to stop."

Man  "I slowed down.  What's the difference?"

The policeman immediately pulled the man from his car, and began beating him with his nightstick.  The policeman stopped momentarily and said  "Do you want me to stop, or slow down?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on April 26, 2011, 06:43:26 PM
All I need to know about life I learned in the military

   1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
   2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
   3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
   4. There is always a way.
   5. The easy way is always mined.
   6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
   7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
   8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
         1. when you are ready for them
         2. when you are not ready for them
   9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
  12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
  13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
  16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
  17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
  18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
  19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
  20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
  21. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: KeeperoftheBar on April 27, 2011, 07:04:18 AM
22.  Regarding C-Rats (us oldsters) and MREs (you youngsters)
      If you are hungry enough, ANYTHING tastes good.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: CaraGreenleaf on May 01, 2011, 11:23:51 PM
I'll have to go through my list of jokes and dig out a couple clean ones!!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on May 02, 2011, 01:30:04 AM
I have to do a rewrite to put any on this side of the line...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on May 02, 2011, 03:23:24 PM
http://www.27bslash6.com/trash.html
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on May 02, 2011, 08:22:23 PM
You have successfully changed my dour demeanor (due to the past several days of non-stop rain and flooding) to one of delight, Doña. Thank you for making my day.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Kett on May 02, 2011, 08:26:04 PM
Quote from: DonaCatalina on May 02, 2011, 03:23:24 PM
http://www.27bslash6.com/trash.html

LOL That is hysterical.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Rebecca on May 03, 2011, 04:23:25 AM
That was absolutely wonderful. I almost choked laughing.  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: arbcoind on May 03, 2011, 07:16:46 AM
86 photos of his dog!!! 

Gina
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Pinn on May 03, 2011, 07:46:14 AM
I had to send it to other people.  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: CaraGreenleaf on May 03, 2011, 08:18:33 AM
I must say: EPIC WIN!!!!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on May 03, 2011, 10:32:55 AM
From a co-worker:

STRESS

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.
 
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

While looking at the photograph, if you find more than one or two differences, then you need to -
Go on holiday.




No need to Reply, I'll be on Holiday...


Two Dolphins (http://www.fun-with-pictures.com/image-files/cow-dolphin.jpg)

;)   :D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Pinn on May 03, 2011, 11:31:01 AM
I reckon I need to go on vacation
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on May 03, 2011, 12:04:10 PM
  That settles it! I'm heading up to Mn for the Celtic heavy athletic games next week.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Auryn on May 03, 2011, 12:06:08 PM
Thank you DonaCatelina,
I was seriously crying and wheezing from laughing so hard which doesnt help my congestion but was totally worth it

you made my afternoon
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on May 03, 2011, 01:01:11 PM
dang and i just got back from a mini vacation
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on May 03, 2011, 01:56:13 PM
Quote from: Auryn on May 03, 2011, 12:06:08 PM
Thank you DonaCatelina,
I was seriously crying and wheezing from laughing so hard which doesnt help my congestion but was totally worth it

you made my afternoon

My daughter actually sent me that. I was laughing so hard I had to lay my head on my desk.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on May 03, 2011, 02:55:50 PM
Quote from: dbaldock on May 03, 2011, 10:32:55 AM
..... The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

While looking at the photograph, if you find more than one or two differences, then you need to -
Go on holiday.

Two Dolphins (http://www.fun-with-pictures.com/image-files/cow-dolphin.jpg)

;)   :D

Ahh! Finally the drugs are kicking in! No stress here... the dolphins are identical. Huzzah!  I might need to get my eyes checked though...they look more like gerbils.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on May 05, 2011, 04:39:07 AM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . It would have reached Mexico on May 5th. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Kett on May 05, 2011, 07:23:44 AM
Quote from: BubbleWright on May 05, 2011, 04:39:07 AM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . It would have reached Mexico on May 5th. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.



LOL! I'm sharing that at work today! :)

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on May 05, 2011, 08:00:47 AM
Too Funny!  Already passed it along....  :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on May 12, 2011, 04:40:00 AM
Texting for Seniors...

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk 's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes ?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on May 12, 2011, 07:27:17 AM
You shouldn't make fun of us old people.  These fake teeth don't break, and we bite!  ;D

That's hilarious, Bubble.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on May 12, 2011, 11:31:52 AM
I too qualify for Senior discounts... I just forget to ask!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on July 16, 2011, 05:11:12 PM
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


OK, so now enjoy!


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a
work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put
'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for
forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on July 16, 2011, 09:20:38 PM
^^^ Like² ^^^
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on July 20, 2011, 07:25:35 PM
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However it does have:

           1 neutron.
         125 assistant neutrons
          75 vice-neutrons
         111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together  by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which
it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities,
and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best
maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how. Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to date are not promising.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Kett on July 20, 2011, 10:59:38 PM
LOL I love that Rowen! I'm going to have to send it to our VP!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on July 21, 2011, 07:00:50 AM
Rowan, that is so dead-on accurate, it's scary. I've passed it on to my supervisor (who is great to work with) and one of the profs who will most definitely appreciate it. Thanks! I needed that!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Bob of the Lake on July 21, 2011, 12:17:02 PM
Rowen, that's too funny! I'm stealing it!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on July 21, 2011, 03:18:49 PM
Time for a duck Joke......

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on July 21, 2011, 03:23:54 PM
And another one.....


Three guys had an accident and went straight to heaven. When they got there, St. Peter said, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!"

They entered heaven and sure enough there were ducks all over the place. It was almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they tried their best to avoid them the first guy accidentally stepped on one.

Along came St. Peter with the homeliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chained them together and said, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this homely woman".

The next day, the second guy stepped accidentally on a duck and along came St. Peter, who didn't miss a thing, and with him was another extremely homely woman. He chained them together with the same admonishment as the first.

The third guy had observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to a horrible looking woman was very careful where he stepped. He managed to go for months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter came up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chained them together without saying a word.

The guy remarked, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

She replied, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on July 21, 2011, 07:10:52 PM
Those really quack me up!  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on July 23, 2011, 09:37:11 AM
  I have a quacked sense of humor..... ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Anna Iram on July 23, 2011, 11:24:41 AM
Quote from: Rowen MacD on July 21, 2011, 03:18:49 PM
Time for a duck Joke......

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"



I love this one. :)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on April 02, 2012, 11:15:52 AM
The Rules of Chocolate

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.

HAPPY EASTER !!!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Renee Buchanan on April 02, 2012, 06:44:02 PM
Dona, that reminds me of the 4 basic food groups.

1.  Chocolate Cake
2.  Chocolate Cookies
3.  Chocolate Ice Cream
4.  Chocolate Candy
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on April 02, 2012, 06:49:09 PM
Did you mention chocolate?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on June 26, 2012, 10:08:31 AM

1. LIFE WITHOUT CHOCOLATE IS NO LIFE AT ALL.

2. CHOCOLATE IS CHEAPER THAN THERAPY, AND YOU DON'T NEED AN APPOINTMENT.

3. THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A GOOD FRIEND, EXCEPT A GOOD FRIEND WITH CHOCOLATE.

4. CHOCOLATE DOESN'T MAKE THE WORLD GO AROUND. BUT IT CERTAINLY MAKES THE TRIP WORTHWHILE.

5. SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. SO LITTLE TIME!

6. THERE IS NO CHOCOLATE'S ANONYMOUS BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO QUIT.

7. IN THE COOKIES OF LIFE, FRIENDS ARE THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

8. (THIS SPACE RESERVED FOR THE FUNNY CHOCOLATE SAYING YOU ARE GOING TO E-MAIL TO ME.)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on June 26, 2012, 02:09:25 PM
    Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly
change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin
puts together a list to give the faculty a sense of the "Mindset" of
the next year's incoming freshmen:

    For those who are starting college this fall across the nation, Here
is the 2012 list:

They were probably born in 1993.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom living without a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel",
or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They have no idea who J.R. is, much less care who shot him.

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

And last...

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: SirRichardBear on June 26, 2012, 02:22:56 PM
poem

ST. PETER stood guard at the golden gate,
With solemn mien and air sedate,
When up to the top of the golden stair,
A man and a woman ascending there,

Applied for admission. They came and stood
Before St. Peter, so great and good,
In hopes the City of Peace to win,
And asked St. Peter to let them in.

The woman was tall, and lank, and thin,
With a scraggy beardlet upon her chin.
The man was short, and thick, and stout,
His stomach was built so it rounded out;

His face was pleasant, and all the while
He wore a kindly and pleasant smile.
The choirs in the distance the echoes awoke,
And the man kept still while the woman spoke.

'O thou who guards the gate," said she,
'We two came hither, beseeching thee
To let us enter the heavenly land
And play our harps with the angel band.

Of me, St. Peter, there is no doubt.
There is nothing from heaven to bar me out;
I've been to meeting three times a week,
And almost always I'd rise and speak.

'I've told the sinners about the day
When they repent of their evil way;
I've told my neighbors-I've told 'em all-
'Bout Adam and Eve and the Primal Fall;

I've shown them what they'd have to do
If they'd pass in with the chosen few;
I've marked their path of duty clear-
Laid out the plan for their whole career.

'I've talked and talked to 'em loud and long
For my lungs are good, and my voice is strong,
So good, St. Peter, you'll clearly see
The gate of heaven is open for me.

But my old man, I regret to say,
Hasn't walked in exactly the narrow way-,
He smokes and he swears, and grave faults hes got,
And I don't know whether he'll pass or not.

"He never would pray with an earnest vim,
Or go to revival, or join in a hymn,
So I had to leave him in sorrow there
While I, with the chosen, united in prayer,

He ate what the pantry chanced to afford,
While I, in my purity, sang to the Lord.
'And if cucumbers were all he got
It's a chance if he merited them or not.

But, 0 St. Peter, I love him so.
To the pleasures of heaven, please let him go.
I've done enough, a saint I've been,
Won't that atone? Can't you let him in?

By my grim gospel I know 'tis so
That the unrepentant must try below.
But isn't there some way you can see
That he may enter, who's dear to me?

'It's narrow gospel by which I pray,
But the chosen expect to find some way
Of coaxing, or fooling, or bribing you
So that their relations can amble through,

And say, St. Peter, it seems to me
Tle gate isn't kept as it ought to be.
You ought to stand by the opening there,
And never sit down in that easy chair.

"And say, St. Peter, my sight is dimmed,
But I don't like the way your whiskers are trimmed;
They're cut too wide and outward toss;
They'd look better narrow, cut straight across.

Well, we must be going, our crown to win,
So open, St. Peter, and we'll pass in."
St. Peter sat quiet and stroked his staff,
But, in spite of his office, he had to laugh,

Then said with a fiery gleam in his eye,
"Who's tending this gateway, you or I?"
And then he arose in his stature tall,
And pressed a button upon the wall,

And said to an imp, who came all aglow,
"Escort this woman to the regions below.'
The man stood still as a piece of stone-
Stood sadly, gloomily, there alone.

A lifelong settled idea he had
That his wife was good and he was bad;
He thought if the woman went down below
That he would certainly have to go;

That if she went to the regions dim
There wasn't a ghost of a chance for him.
Slowly he turned, by habit bent,
To follow wherever the woman went.

St. Peter, standing on duty there,
Observed that the top of his head was bare.
He called the gentleman back and said:
"Friend, how long have you been wcd?"

"Thirty years" (with a heavy sigh),
And then he thoughtfully added, 'Why?'
St. Peter was silent. With head bent down,
He raised his hand and scratched his crown.

Then, seeming a different thought to take,
Slowly, half to himself, he spake:
"Tlirty years with that woman there?
No wonder the man hasn't any hair.

Swearing is wicked; smoking's not good;
He smoked and swore-I should think he would.
"Thirty years with that tongue so sharp?
0 Angel Gabriel, give him a harp,

A jeweled harp with a golden string.
Good sir, pass in where the angels sing;
Gabriel, give him a seat alone-
One with a cushion-up near the throne.

Call up some angels to play their best;
Let him enjoy the music-and rest.
'See that on the finest ambrosia he feeds;
He's had about all the hell he needs;

It isn't just hardly the thing to do-
To roast him on earth and the future, too."
They gave him a harp with golden strings,
A glittering robe and a pair of wings,

And he said as he entered the Realms of Day:
"Well, this beats cucumbers, anyway."
And so the Scriptures had come to pass-
"The last shall be first and the first shall be last."

JOSEPH BERT SMILEY
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on June 27, 2012, 12:34:14 PM
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words. "So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales. the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on June 27, 2012, 12:36:27 PM
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
  Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
  The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
  She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park.
  At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
  She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying,



"Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on June 28, 2012, 04:53:16 AM
That last one is a bit of a groaner, Rowen  ::) But I do love a good chicken joke!  Just like Goldie...some may know the reference,,,
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on June 28, 2012, 05:24:40 AM
Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks the other: "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."
"Maybe we ought to start thinking about it," says Joe. "One of us is going to go first. Let's agree that the one who is left behind will come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."
Harry agrees.
One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep. Every week for several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00 a.m.
Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though from afar.
"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says. "It's Joe."
"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is make love. They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love until noon. After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through until dinner time."
"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on June 28, 2012, 01:02:38 PM
  LMAO.  I thought about my sister's rabbits; She raises them for food. 
She says her buck has the ideal life.   Just eats and breeds...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on June 28, 2012, 02:46:21 PM
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on June 28, 2012, 08:24:57 PM
LMAO!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on June 29, 2012, 08:54:06 AM
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Renee Buchanan on June 30, 2012, 08:53:32 AM

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on July 02, 2012, 08:39:26 AM
Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big".

St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.

Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Equinox to drive.

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Focus."

The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Focus and the Equinox saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on July 02, 2012, 01:50:05 PM
Seen on Facebook:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,


...walk into a Michelin-starred restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinising the group.


"You can't come in here without a Thai".



Edit: Removed the "non-printing" characters that displayed as "?".
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on July 02, 2012, 04:19:57 PM
David....go to your room!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Serenity on July 03, 2012, 01:26:45 PM
Quote from: dbaldock on July 02, 2012, 01:50:05 PM
Seen on Facebook:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,


...walk into a Michelin-starred restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinising the group.


"You can't come in here without a Thai".



Edit: Removed the "non-printing" characters that displayed as "?".

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
I am so stealing this!!  Absolutely hysterical!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on July 05, 2012, 05:15:57 AM
A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on July 06, 2012, 09:27:58 AM
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on July 13, 2012, 01:16:19 PM
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found on all corners of the earth.


Then he made the world round; and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on July 26, 2012, 07:14:01 PM
 

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager,
"Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied,
"before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on July 27, 2012, 05:19:15 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on January 14, 2013, 09:35:53 PM
You know puns are really bad when you want to pass them on......

How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians able to settle here first?  They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: iain robb on January 15, 2013, 07:05:43 AM
I groaned. I grimaced.

Then I saved them.  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on January 15, 2013, 06:58:38 PM
I almost made it to the bathroom
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on January 18, 2013, 08:42:03 AM
My cousin posted this on Facebook - don't know where he may have seen it.

===
Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story....about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern of Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
===
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on January 20, 2013, 06:09:52 PM
The awesome power of a wife's love...

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on February 13, 2013, 05:28:00 AM
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on March 02, 2013, 08:21:17 PM
An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store. As they were busy
looking, the CHINESE stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store,
the CHINESE said to the ITALIAN, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3
chocolate bars and no one saw me.

You can't beat that."

ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to
the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes." The
ITALIAN said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him
one, and he ate it. The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate
that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The
shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all
three bars of chocolate."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on March 03, 2013, 09:56:33 AM
LOL! I'll have to try that sometime!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on March 05, 2013, 03:32:14 AM
This just in...

Woman uses .25 caliber handgun to save herself from grizzly

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: KeeperoftheBar on March 05, 2013, 12:57:05 PM
Being from Montana and having seen a grizzly in the wild, I like this one....
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on March 10, 2013, 09:20:05 PM
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on March 11, 2013, 04:41:21 AM
A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes." "Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on March 17, 2013, 08:29:21 AM
I think if it's non-partisan, it won't be removed as political...here goes:
--------------------------------------------------------------

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Capt Spleen on August 18, 2013, 03:52:07 PM
Mr. Smith ran a flightless water fowl refuge; mostly terns. Mr. Jones owned a medicinal marijuana farm next door. Occasionally, a tern would get into Mr. Jones' farm through a hole in the fence creating ill will between the two neighbors.
After a storm severely damaged the fence, the birds invaded, leaving no tern un-stoned.

*From stories in 55 words or less*
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on August 24, 2013, 05:45:29 PM
Subject: The Tomato garden - You'll love this
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very
difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on September 26, 2013, 02:49:19 PM
Be careful trusting little old ladies:


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"WHAT THE Heck? ... I only bought 5 items"

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Momma said
You'd be paying for her things, too."


Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on October 04, 2013, 07:44:29 AM
Ireland Declares War On France

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy O'Shea down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"


"Well, Paddy," Chirac replies, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"


Chirac pauses. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."


"Begoora!" Says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."


The very next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"


"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."


Chirac sighs, slightly amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."


"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."


Paddy rings again bright and early the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit; and, four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"


Chirac is silent for a minute and then clears his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. Laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites surround my military bases. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"


"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."


"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac, chuckling. "Why the sudden change of heart?"


"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat last evening over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on October 09, 2013, 11:06:08 AM
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on October 09, 2013, 02:38:58 PM
I just love those!   :D
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on October 30, 2013, 05:51:22 PM
The Clever Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says...

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on October 30, 2013, 05:52:36 PM
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, that read:

    "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on October 31, 2013, 08:25:18 AM
I don't usually laugh at anything that isn't dirty   ??? ... Very funny, Rowen!!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on November 01, 2013, 06:45:02 AM
I Absolutely love this one.
______________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on November 01, 2013, 07:09:51 AM
I think I know that attorney, Doña!  :o  ;D

I don't know how the court stenographer could have kept from laughing at that!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on November 21, 2013, 05:30:42 AM
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.

Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!

I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on November 21, 2013, 09:39:04 AM
Quote from: DonaCatalina on November 21, 2013, 05:30:42 AM
...
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
...
Major LOL!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: DonaCatalina on December 10, 2013, 05:10:34 AM
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and the future. "What position do you see yourself in a couple years from now?" asked the Rabbi to the Priest. "Well, actually, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest. "Yes, and then what?" ask the Rabbi. "Well, I could become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest. "Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi. "Well, if I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible to become a full Bishop" said the Priest. "Okay, then what?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest, beginning to be a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal." "And then?" continued the Rabbi. The Priest is really starting to get frustrated, but replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right place at the right time and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope." "Yes, and then what?" continued the Rabbi. "Good grief!" shouted the Priest, "What do you expect me to become, God?" "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on December 10, 2013, 04:06:19 PM
Quote from: DonaCatalina on December 10, 2013, 05:10:34 AM... "Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
I heard getting there was the death of him...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on February 28, 2014, 03:15:08 PM
A large company feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

PS- I use a large font so old codgers like Merlin and myself can read the posting... ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on March 01, 2014, 07:22:19 AM
Thank you... I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I thought I was still drunk...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Rowan MacD on March 28, 2014, 02:46:53 PM
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That's odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get...?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on March 29, 2014, 08:16:55 AM
ROFL!  I gotta share that one...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: KeeperoftheBar on April 08, 2014, 12:18:43 PM
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of: A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defenses' closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on April 11, 2014, 11:16:19 AM
One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on April 18, 2014, 09:19:04 PM
Here's one from my cousin -

===
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.

It primarily affects those who were born too far in the past. Symptoms:

1.) Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2.) Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3.) Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4.) Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

5.) Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

6.) Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh, no not again!

7.) Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." And I just hate that!

8.) Causes you to hit "SEND" when you meant to hit "DELETE." Whoops!


IT'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me?
===
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on April 25, 2014, 11:59:16 PM
My cousin, who lives in Mississippi, posted this:

===
Big Bubba went to Mississippi State University on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a really poor student. Come graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star, and the students held a huge rally and demanded that the dean give him a diploma anyway.

The MSU student body was so very insistent, that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly, he would go ahead and give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was a standing room only event. The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come on up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly, I'll give you your graduation diploma."

Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "how much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became dead silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium and then the students began another chant:

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
===
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on April 27, 2014, 09:31:17 AM
Make that the University of Arkansas, and I'll believe it.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Malcolm on May 04, 2014, 10:06:07 AM
I heard this happened at Texas A & M. "Go, Aggies!"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: dbaldock on May 04, 2014, 07:35:12 PM
Another Cajun story from my cousin -

===
Boudreaux goes to a local carpenter in his hometown and asks the carpenter if he could build a box two inches wide, by two inches high, by 50 feet long.

The carpenter, slightly confused by the request, says he could do it, but out of curiosity, he asks what in the world the box would be used for.

Boudreaux says "Nothing really important cher. You see, my neighbor moved about a week ago him, and he forgot a couple of tings. He asked if I could mail him his garden hose."
===
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on June 24, 2014, 07:23:11 AM
Three Sisters

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on June 24, 2014, 07:25:22 AM
The Irish Furniture Dealer

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

?The Irish Furniture Dealer


Murphy, ? ?a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find ?.? After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. ? ?As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. ? ?Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his ta ? ble ? asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down ?. ? He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. ? ?After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. ? ?She nodded, so he ordered a glass ? ?of wine for ? her. ?

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, ?? drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and ? ?she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic ? music. ??They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of ? ?a couple danc ing. She ? ?nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and ? ?the band was packing up.
Back at their table, ? ?the young ? ?lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a ? ?four-poster bed.

To ? ?this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business ?.?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on June 24, 2014, 07:31:16 AM
I didn't know that you knew any clean jokes, RenStarr! I'll be sharing your offerings...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on June 24, 2014, 09:12:13 AM
Merlin, even a blind dog finds a "clean" bone from time to time.  Seems like most of the jokes found on the net that get passed around are of the "dirty" variety.  Take care..........
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on June 28, 2014, 02:17:41 PM
Blonde's Password

A company decided to do an audit of its employee passwords.
All was going well until they came upon this password:

MickeyMinnieHuewyDewyGoofyPlutoDonaldDaisySacramento

Surprised to find an employee using such a long password, the boss asked the blonde woman why her password was so long.

She rolled her eyes and answered:

It said my password must be at least 8 characters long and one capital.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: arbcoind on June 29, 2014, 11:56:44 AM
Ha ha!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on July 11, 2014, 12:13:41 PM
Steven Wright...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on July 12, 2014, 11:04:32 PM
Steven Wright is one of my very favourites... Thanks, RenStarr!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Bob of the Lake on July 13, 2014, 09:25:55 AM
Me too. And one of my favorite Steven Wright gems: How deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on July 13, 2014, 08:56:22 PM
He certainly has a unique perspective on things. 

I like the last one:  If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Lady Christina de Pond on August 04, 2014, 06:53:27 PM
preacher giving a sermon ask the congregation" if you wrote a letter to your spouse what would it say"
the single girl on the second row answers "where are you?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on May 30, 2015, 09:36:07 AM
POLICE INVESTIGATE REPORTS OF A SHOOTING
A police officer called the police dispatch on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on May 30, 2015, 09:39:12 AM
A little boy about 9 years old walks out on to a frozen lake where there are a few older anglers already sitting around their ice holes fishing. The boy sets up his pole, drills a hole & starts fishing. About 5 minutes goes by & he already has caught a few fish & has gotten the attention of the older anglers. Another 10 minutes goes by & the boy has caught a few more fish. One of the older fisherman walks over to the boy & ask's..."what's your secret"? the boy reply's with mumbling & a closed mouth. The older angler ask a 2nd time ... "what's your secret" ... the boy mumbles again with a closed mouth, so the angler ask's a 3rd time ... "whats your secret"? The boy holds out his hand & spits a pile of worms in it & reply's ..."you got to keep your worms warm!

:P
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RenStarr on May 30, 2015, 09:46:31 AM
 
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on November 26, 2015, 10:03:33 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up. He yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on November 28, 2015, 12:59:36 PM
LOL!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on January 02, 2016, 08:18:39 AM
The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye, Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Butch on January 21, 2016, 12:48:46 PM
ONE

This Marine, all messed up from Vietnam, went to the hospital to get checked. Because of the war, his brain was all screwed up, and all he could say was the words to the Marines hymn.
So the doctor asked his name, he replied, "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor decided to remove part of his brain, thinking that would cure it. When the doctor did this, the Marine still said "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor figured he did not remove enough of the brain. So after removing some more, the marine still only said "From the halls of Montezuma..."

The doctor, now getting frustrated, decided to take the rest of the brain out. Now the Marine, with no brain, stood up and started singing, "Be all that you can be..."


TWO

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back.

Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"


THREE

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant Marines. They come to the bar and order five bottles of beer and ten glasses. They take their order over and sit down at a large table. The caps are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon three more Marines arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more Marines show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally the tenth Marine comes in with a picture under his arm, he walks over to the table, and sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table.

There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit the bartender asks one of the Marines, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The Marine who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that Marines are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought this puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days."

FOUR
What does a Marine call an airplane?  He points to the sky and says:  "MMMUUUUUUHHHH!"

FIVE
If you go to a party, where a lot of Marines are invited, how do you know which ones are pilots?  They'll tell you.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Merlin the Elder on January 21, 2016, 07:22:25 PM
I thought you were a jarhead, Butch.... These were funny! Thanks!
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: Butch on October 16, 2017, 03:25:00 PM
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump the wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.  They open the casket and find out the woman is actually alive.  She lives for 10 more years and then dies.  A ceremony is again held at the same church, and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.  As they are walking, the husband calls out "Watch out for that wall!".

Title: Border Exchange
Post by: BubbleWright on January 28, 2020, 03:15:35 PM
A German traveler came to the French Border and stopped at the Customs Station. The French Customs Officer began to question the traveler.
Customs Officer: "Name?".
The German: "Helmut Becker".
Customs Officer: "Age?".
The German: "31".
Customs Officer: "Occupation?".
The German: "Nein, just visiting".
Title: Re: Border Exchange
Post by: Merlin the Elder on February 22, 2020, 04:20:17 PM
Quote from: BubbleWright on January 28, 2020, 03:15:35 PM
A German traveler came to the French Border and stopped at the Customs Station. The French Customs Officer began to question the traveler.
Customs Officer: "Name?".
The German: "Helmut Becker".
Customs Officer: "Age?".
The German: "31".
Customs Officer: "Occupation?".
The German: "Nein, just visiting".


***SPEW!***
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on March 01, 2020, 04:42:19 PM
Did you hear about the man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun? Surgeons revealed he is now "Fully recovered".
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RefMom3 on March 02, 2020, 11:19:21 AM
Like and like ;)
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on March 05, 2020, 01:07:02 PM
It was fun being a baby boomer - until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits.

They include;
Hermans Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores - Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the grape nuts.
Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba - Denture Queen
Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore - It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to.
Willy Nelson - On the commode again.
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: RefMom3 on April 14, 2020, 10:56:48 AM
A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00am. The man gets up, opens the door, and there is a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was it?" asks the wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," her husband answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not; it's 3am in the morning, and it's bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory...can't you remember about 3 months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too, you know." The man does as he's told, and gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. "Are you still there?" he calls. "Yes," calls the stranger. "Do you still need a push?" asks the man. "Yes, please," replies the voice in the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. (I love this part...) "Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk...
Title: Re: Funnies - Rated "G"
Post by: BubbleWright on September 26, 2020, 11:29:24 PM
Classic Hollywood Squares:

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.