Rules For An Adult Child Returning?

[Mairte]

  Dont you wonder how they would have reacted?
Yup. I dont need a reason. I am just a mean old mom.

[Lady Kett]

Not that mine has returned - she's never really left - but at age 21, turning 22 at the end of august, she has a 10pm curfew. Our house. Our alarm clock. Don't disrupt my life if I'm the one paying the mortgage. Really no issues and we love her to bits but do wish she'd get her own place. It's just time.

To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.

Our rules are designed entirely with making it so uncomfortable that becoming independent is the better idea. Fly little birdie, fly! Major crisis? Of course we have room, c'mon back. Stupid decisions - we tried our best but now you have to suffer the consequences.

And yes, I go from mommy whose shoulder you can cry on to the dragon lady mother b!tch from hell in approximately 0.5 seconds when "the line" is crossed.  

We are an odd little 3-person family unit but then I see the really crazy people out there and realize we are much more normal than I expected!

[Mairte]

I agree with the "not making things too comfortable" for returning children.
Right now she is on an apartment waiting list and looks like one is opening up soon.
Fingers crossed,lol.

[LadyStitch]

When my friend had to move back in with his folks he sat down with them and made a "plan of attack".  He shows he is putting x amount away for moving out.  He contributes x amount to the household costs. He knows what the expectations for chores are.  His folks laid out their expectations in regards to what they want and don't want in their home.  Everyone was one the same page before he even moved 1 box.
A year later, he crafes again some of the requirements, but he is in a better place both finanially and support wise than he was, and is thankful for his folks to do that for him.
The biggest thing he has said to others who are forced to do this is RESPECT.  If the 'kid' can't respect their parents, it won't work.  If the parents can't respect the fact that their 'child ' is grown up, it won't work.  It is a tough balance.

[Rowan MacD]

To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.

Our rules are designed entirely with making it so uncomfortable that becoming independent is the better idea. Fly little birdie, fly! Major crisis? Of course we have room, c'mon back. Stupid decisions - we tried our best but now you have to suffer the consequences.

And yes, I go from mommy whose shoulder you can cry on to the dragon lady mother b!tch from hell in approximately 0.5 seconds when "the line" is crossed.  

We are an odd little 3-person family unit but then I see the really crazy people out there and realize we are much more normal than I expected!

 My youngest just moved out after finishing college and turning 23.   My husbands' youngest is still living with us due to health issues.  Otherwise he would be gone too.

   I agree with all of the above, and one thing that I am firm on is the hard line I draw for Boomerang kids.  I think kids can come home for a short period if the circumstances were beyond their control.  Period.  Once home, they are expected to rectify that situation as quickly as possible and resume adult life in their own.  Dumb decisions such as getting yourself or someone else preggers, overextending yourself financially so you can 'live the life' without thinking about how you plan to pay for it, and quitting your job just because 'you don't like it, don't want to put up with the BS anymore' (suck it up kid, life is a poop sandwich, not all bread), and breaking the law qualifies as 'your decision/your problem' in my book. 
   There is no reason moving home again needs to be fun and comfortable, like a free hotel,  or be considered a first choice when the going gets tough. 

 

[Becky10]

This is so bizarre. Its like journey to the land of the lost. I am quite enjoying poking around in the brains of the 'rentals.  

*edit* I thought of something

So, if your child has a problem with one of the rules is it up for debate or is it a "my was or the highway case" or is it that thing that parents do when they let you voice your opinion and take it in consideration even though we both know you've already made up your mind and in reality your just giving us a "fair" fight so technically you have the higher ground and we cant complain about not having any control of the situation. 

[Rowan MacD]

This is so bizarre. Its like journey to the land of the lost. I am quite enjoying poking around in the brains of the 'rentals.  

*edit* I thought of something

So, if your child has a problem with one of the rules is it up for debate or is it a "my was or the highway case" or is it that thing that parents do when they let you voice your opinion and take it in consideration even though we both know you've already made up your mind and in reality your just giving us a "fair" fight so technically you have the higher ground and we cant complain about not having any control of the situation. 

   You can poke the 'rental Dragon, Becky.     Be sure not to wake it up! *smoke ring*
   
   I'll try to give a 'rental answer to your edit:
   If the adult child comes back home, it's a 'hat-in-hand' situation.  They want to stay in my house, they play by my rules or leave.  There is no problem and thus, no debate required.   I would treat them like adults, not children, and I expect them to act their age. 
   I respect their judgment and privacy, insofar as it does not disrupt my life, which is only fair, but if they want to move back home, it does not mean that they get to revert to being a child again. 
   



 

[Mairte]

Well, I am about to get double whammied with the 25 year old returning as well for a SHORT time due to circumstances beyond her control.
I am not too worried about that one because my older kids have common sense.
Its the 19 year old that needs practically everything spelled out for her.Sigh.

[Jade Sapphire Emerald]

Well, I am about to get double whammied with the 25 year old returning as well for a SHORT time due to circumstances beyond her control.
I am not too worried about that one because my older kids have common sense.
Its the 19 year old that needs practically everything spelled out for her.Sigh.

(admitting to lurking on this thread, but I couldn't resist this moment...)

Aren't all 19 year olds kinda like that...

(I was a very terrible 19 year old and made my worst mistakes at 19....so yeah...I had to have everything spelled out because I always found a Barbossa way around things.)

[Sitara]

I returned home as an adult child myself, though the situation was quite different. My parents divorced and my father actually asked me to come back to help with the bills. He did not lay down a single rule for me as I was in my early 20s and had been on my own for several years. I on the other hand, made rules that I abided by. I purchased all of my own food, let him use all my things for the kitchen (my mom took all that when she left), paid rent and contributed to the electric bill. My boyfriend came over whenever I wanted him to and would frequently spend the night. I feel there was nothing wrong with this as I was paying rent and lived in the basement with my own bedroom, living room and mini kitchen type thing (mini-fridge, microwave, toaster oven). Your situation sounds quite different though. I would have laughed if he tried to  give me a curfew or told me I couldn't have sex some place that I was paying rent.

[redkimba]

To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.

**
This was basically my thought for my rule.  That, and I did not want to be surprised in walking into something that might be illegal in 3 states....   

[kcdcchef]

your rules all make sense save curfew. He is an adult, why do you care when he comes home provided he is polite, making no noise and no messes?

[Merlin the Elder]

your rules all make sense save curfew. He is an adult, why do you care when he comes home provided he is polite, making no noise and no messes?

Yeah, I'm with you on that.  But when my son moved home for a semester with his girlfriend (later wife), it seemed ludicrous for me to outlaw something that I knew he was doing at school (sex). My mother was just appalled, but there are some very real generational differences that come to bear in these situations.

[kcdcchef]

Yeah, I'm with you on that.  But when my son moved home for a semester with his girlfriend (later wife), it seemed ludicrous for me to outlaw something that I knew he was doing at school (sex). My mother was just appalled, but there are some very real generational differences that come to bear in these situations.

yeah the no sex at home thing is dumb. who among us didnt get a piece of tail at home at some point? we all did. they are over 18, and provided they arent bringing babies into play, catching diseases, etc, who cares? just set ground rules early. IN YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!!!! BE QUIET OR TURN ON A RADIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makes it easy././

[Merlin the Elder]

Like I said earlier, it was more a problem of Nim and I making noise than him and his lady...