Do I tell her??

[Auryn]

I'm hoping you guys can be a sound board and tell me what you think.
A little background info first.

I have known this friend for going on 3 years now. I love her, she is funny,intelligent, energetic, quick witted and overall awesome to hang out with.

Anyhoo- in July she confided in me that she had started seeing a guy considerably younger than her- she is 29 he is 22. I told her not to worry about it and enjoy being a cougar.  In January she came out of a boring long term relationship with no prospects. I was totally happy for her.
I finally got to meet this boy toy of hers at her birthday party 3 weeks ago
OMG talk about a jerk and a snooze fest. 
Her birthday party was basically going to be her showing him off to all her friends.
Well the guy made no attempt to make conversation with anyone, he spent 90% of the night outside smoking on her stairs, and a couple of times made lewd (almost "hitting on" remarks to one of girls).
Well turns out that a couple of the other friends had already met him and none of them like him at all.

We all went from being happy for her to be in a fun fresh new relationship to trying to figure out how to handle him.

Apparently no one else has the guts to say anything to her about it.

They almost broke up within the last two weeks (not exactly sure why, currently trying to get details).

Am I out of line if I tell her how I feel about him??
If I were in her situation I would want my friends to tell me.

Actually I was in her situation and no one had the guts to tell me and I ended up in a 2 year mentally abusive relationship. I don't want this to happen to her.

[William_MacKean]

It is not about you and how you feel about him.  It is about her and how she feels about him.  You can ask her what she is attracted to in him and get her to talk him up to see if she is really happy, or just settling for someone a small step above her last relationship.

If you want to relay your concerns about his anti-social behavior and that you found his comment to the other woman disrespectful, that is your right.  But it should be phrased in an informative way, not an accusing or convincing way.

Remember:
Her breaking up with him because she thinks you want her to is no less controlling a situation than the one she got out of.  She needs to decide and act for herself, with confidence that you support her decision no matter what it is and not just pretending to.

[Rani Zemirah]

That's a hard one, but I have to agree with WM on this.  Unless it's handled VERY delicately she's likely to become defensive, which may happen anyway if she thinks she's being told her judgment is faulty.  You might just check in with her and see how things are going, and be there to listen if she has complaints, then go on from there.  Unless, of course, you can arrange to keep him out of your interactions altogether, and let her deal with him as she sees fit.  Hopefully, after having removed herself from one ill-fitting relationship in the fairly recent past, she will soon recognize the signs of another and take steps to end it herself...

[ladybootlegger]

Wow! I hate those situations.

My advise would be not to say anything. I've been in bad relationships and would not hear any advise friends gave me. In fact it used to make me very angry to hear negative things about the guy.

I've also been on the other side of it too. My cousin is currently obsessed with a married man...for the second time in her life. Without going into too much detail...this is your thread...I've had to express concerns about the men she chooses twice now. The first time...she quit talking to me for a year or so. I haven't expressed my concerns about the new guy, despite how necessary I feel it is.

My suggestion...wait it out, and just be there for your friend, no matter what the outcome.

[Molden]

You know...I hate saying "ditto"...so I'll use more words:

I agree with William on this one. Pretty much point-for-point.

[Auryn]

Well I took you guy's advice- sort of.

See when I was in my early twenties I was in a really bad relationship- something I should have gotten out of after a month ( I actually thought about breaking up with him all the time) because of the psychological distress.
Well no one around me had the guts to tell me what they really thought of the guy.

I emailed her back, let her know that I am always here if she wants to talk or just vent.
I also added (this is the "sort of" part) that she shouldn't forget that relationships, especially at the beginning should be fun and exciting, not all drama and stress.

Well apparently that was enough for her to not want to talk to me.
We went from making plans to catch a movie this weekend to her not returning any of my emails or texts.

So I guess even though she always says she wants to know what people really think, she doesn't really mean it.

[Rani Zemirah]

Well, if she initially emailed you and mentioned the near-break-up, then she opened the door for comments, but perhaps she was looking for something to help allay her fears, and not to confirm them.  Some people only want to be encouraged to do the things they know are going to be bad for them, and anyone who points out the big pit they're about to fall into is often seen as merely putting obstacles in their way... 

If she's truly interested in maintaining honest and open friendships then she will eventually see that you are only expressing your care and concern, and come around.  If not, then it could be in your best interest to just let her experience the consequences of her decisions on her own, as difficult as that can be when it's someone we care about.  Good luck... 

[Anna Iram]

You know, I've been in your place, matter of fact currently with my sister and a direction I think is very bad for her to be going. No matter how gently I try to give her my opinion,and this is only when she is the one who brings up the subject, she gets angry at my input.

My thoughts are that your friend  (and my sister) are in this of their own chosing and you can't rescue people unless they want to be "saved". Maybe the benefits for your friend right now outweigh the negatives.  You are a good friend for caring . I'd drop her a last note  suggesting that you both let the subject drop and "hey how about that movie." Then let it rest.

[Tipsy Gypsy]

My much younger sister was involved with someone last year that I really had a bad feeling about (ok, to be more specific, he was a loud, obnoxious, uncouth. lying attention whore, but that's beside the point ). I heard plenty about this lout all through their relationship, and would've told her if I thought she'd have been receptive, but I can tell her the sky is blue and it'd be a damn lie because it came from me, so I let it go. If it'd been anyone else, maybe I'd have said something, but I dunno. Thank God she caught him in everything I'd been hearing about anyway, and they broke up.

[Auryn]

Well I guess I am down a friend now.
I texted her about finalizing plans for a movie this weekend and I got nothing back.

I guess its true what they say that you cant save someone from themselves.

Thanks for being a sounding board, its nice to have other reasonable people to talk things out with.

[Rani Zemirah]

Hopefully she'll realize that she's losing more than she's hanging onto, before it's too late, and come back around.  It sounds like she's ok with being caught up in the drama, anyway, so in the long run it might be easier for you to be a bit removed from all that fallout.  I'm sorry your good intentions fell on deaf ears...  

[William_MacKean]

Seems like she agrees with you.  If she did not agree with you, she could rationally express your misperceptions.  That she isn't implies a lack of evidence to that end.

[Ferret]

Well I guess I am down a friend now.
I texted her about finalizing plans for a movie this weekend and I got nothing back.

I guess its true what they say that you cant save someone from themselves.

Thanks for being a sounding board, its nice to have other reasonable people to talk things out with.

These are the hardest times to be a friend.

When she contacts you, I hope you can step up and be a friend. She'll need you.
Ferret

[Auryn]

I've decided to stop emailing her.
obviously she doesn't want to talk to me.
If she decides to talk to me again I will be here.
The awkward part is going to be that we play volleyball together once a week.
I guess I will see tonight if she shows and if she does how she reacts.

Thanks for listening

[William_MacKean]

Be friendly.  If you act different around her, you might validate her newly forming opinion of you.

Even if you don't repair her opinion, don't let someone else affect your behavior like this.

(Easier said than done.)

[Anna Iram]

Yep, I agree. If she shows, just be glad to see her.

[Auryn]

Oh Don't worry.
I will be my regular old self and act as I always do.
if anything happens I will let you know.