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Funnies - Rated "G"

Started by festmum, June 12, 2008, 10:04:21 AM

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I know we have a joke stream in John's Inn, but I thought it would be nice to have a place for the milder jokes that can be shared with everyone.

Let me start with this one!

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 80 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?

The doctor replies, ' A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars ! '
That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
Why does it cost so much?'
Because this car can do up to 200 miles an hour, states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks,
Mind if I take a look inside ?   No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
That's a pretty nice car, all right...
but I'll stick with my Moped !'

Just then the light changes,
So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 140 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer !
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
Something whips by him going much faster !

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari --the doctor asks himself.  He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 170 mph.

Then, up ahead of him,
He sees that it's the old man on the Moped !
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and passes the Moped at 195 mph.

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
All the way up past 200 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers,

"Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."


At monastery
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

*and no... it wasn't rum*
*Got more Rum?* "Here, Try This!"

Lady Christina de Pond


be glad your not in range i would throw something at you
Helmswoman of the Fiesty Lady
Lady Ashley of De Coals
Militissa in the Frati della Beata Gloriosa Vergine Mari

Lady Christina de Pond

a little old man named teach(never ever miss with an authoress)
couldn't hear anything so the fellow got hearing aids but the poor thing
had them so low he couldn't here anything
well teach convienced a lady to help him turn it up
a few days later the lady saw teach and he didn't have his hearing aid
the lady asked teach where they were and teach
wait for it

teach said "I heard more than i wanted to hear"
Helmswoman of the Fiesty Lady
Lady Ashley of De Coals
Militissa in the Frati della Beata Gloriosa Vergine Mari


What did the fish say when it ran into the cement wall?








A professor wrote on the blackboard

"a woman without her man is nothing"

and told his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

*Teach wrote "Teach without rum, is sad*
*Got more Rum?* "Here, Try This!"

Tipsy Gypsy

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or  so, Sam really got worried.  However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,  "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" 

Bill replied, "I have been in jail." 

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.

The judge gave  me 30 days for perjury."
"It's just water, officer, I swear. And yeast. And a little honey. How the alcohol got in, I have no idea!"


Subject: Nice...joke....

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an weed kicker.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9 Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes
and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly.

15 Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n): The color you turn after finding half a worm
in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post ( ) has also
published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.

13. Oyster , n a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

14. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

15. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Being Blond means I have the right to walk into any wall.


I loved this one...

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish....

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said, that request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I
can make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


Bumper stickers

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Aurum peccamenes multifariam texit
Marquesa de Trives
Portrait Goddess

Whistler Fred

I ran into this one recently and it put a smile on my face...

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables.
And when he picked up a CD player to place in his Sack, a strange
disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard,
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, and then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'
Whistler Fred (Lauritzen)

"Get ready for the Whistler.  I'll whistle along on the seventh day."  Ian Anderson

Tipsy Gypsy

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "'Bout 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."
"It's just water, officer, I swear. And yeast. And a little honey. How the alcohol got in, I have no idea!"


An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, "Yes ma'am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde replied, "Nope, just up to my chest, I can splash it in my eyes."

Aurum peccamenes multifariam texit
Marquesa de Trives
Portrait Goddess


Hm...clean jokes, huh? That's a hard one for me, but I'll try! I've heard this one told all kinds of different ways, but this is one of the cleaner ones.

There was once a magic mirror that if you told it a lie, it would make you disappear into a realm of pain and horrors. If you told it a truth, it would grant you one wish. Three woman approached the mirror and took their turns. Each was confident that nothing would happen to them.

First up was a very ugly redhead who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in my town!" POOF! She was gone.

Next up was a frizzle-haired brunette who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think I'm the world's best hair stylist!" POOF! She was gone.

Last up was a beautiful blond woman who stood her ground firmly in front of the mirror, gazed into it, and said "I think--" POOF!
"If you like rainbows, then you'll have to get used to the rain."

Element of Air

Cup of Tea .

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
is the toilet?

My Dad actually sent this to me and asked me if I ever did that! Hahah I got my water from the sink or the bath tub faucet. (sp?)
Royal Duchess of Air, Music and Beauty in the court of Queen Bonnie.
Royal Order of Landsharks, Guppy No. 25