Funnies - Rated "G"

[heavy_hammer]

God simply looked at Peter and replied, "NAH, I balanced it out. Wait'll you see who thery're getting for upstairs neighbors!

 

Touche' Tipsy!
 

[Lady Christina de Pond]

Caution: No matter how hard it might try, a possum is not a good substitute for a starter motor.

[KeeperoftheBar]

What did King Henry do when he sneezed?

He issued a Royal Pardon.

I know, it is bad but it brings this topic back to life.

[Butch]

Some of my RenFest jokes:

Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.

Why do dragons sleep all day?  So they can fight knights.

What do you call it when King Henry has a sore throat?  A royal pain in the neck.

What's brown and sticky?  A stick.

Where is la Manche (the English Channel for you Islanders) the deepest?  On the bottom!

[DonaCatalina]

Amish Humor
Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

 

Bedside Manners
 
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[VIII]

Why did King Henry VIII go to the dentist?

To get his teeth crowned!

[Butch]

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
 
2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
 
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act
 
4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal and someone always answers.
 
5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire..
 
6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every
time).
 
7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.
 
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know
increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
 
9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.
 
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
 
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.  They are
the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer,
or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move
once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance.  The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
 
13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
 
15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.
 
16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're
ugly.
 
17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
 
18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find
a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
 
19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to
the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[festmum]

So glad to see my thread thriving!!!
 

[dbaldock]

A little more Church Humor:

=====
 
Ain't Goin'
 
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
 
"Why not?" she asked.
 
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don`t like me, and (2), I don't like them."
 
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You`re 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
 
=====
 
Show and Tell
 
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
 
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David."
 
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic, and this is a Rosary."
 
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."
 
=====

[KeeperoftheBar]

"My wife always goes out dressed to kill.  She cooks the same way"
                                                       ~Henny Youngman~

[BubbleWright]

Feel free to borrow/steal individually or en mass.............

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu  -  The same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating  -  Always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding  -  A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A  bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead give-away.)

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion .

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a  mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[BubbleWright]

A Touching Funeral...


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so
the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral
guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know
what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,'
the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I
finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen
nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....

[DonaCatalina]

Boudreaux was always the rabble rouser of the parish. His house was a mess, his yard was full of junk and he spent all his pay down at the dance hall chasing other mens' wives.

One Sunday morning Father Thiboideaux was surprised to see Boudreaux sitting in the front pew bright and early. The same thing hapened the next Sunday.

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and stopped laying around. He cleaned up his house, yard and got rid of all the junk cars. He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux axed him what about dis wonderful change that had done overtook him. Boudreaux explained, " I heard dat the Times-Picauyune was writin 'bout "Crisis in the Gulf” and if He's dat close I figger I bes' clean up my act."

[LadyFae]

What do you call someone who isn't sure if they believe in Faeries?


Faegnostic   

[Becky10]

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to
the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't
make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

My doctor thinks i am a hypochondriac cause i always wait till the last minute to go....Anyways

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father watched wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to watch with fascination as the circles then lit up in the reverse direction.

When the walls opened again and out walked a beautiful 24-year-old woman, the man turns to his son and said, “Go get your Mother.”