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I apologize if this is a little too heavy or inappropriate, if it is mods feel free to close it or delete it.
Honestly I just don't have any friends that I could discuss this with and I think for my mother it would be a little too close to home for her to be objective. My parents would like nothing more than to be grandparents (they would be awesome grandparents to boot), my dad even told me once (when I was 27) that he didn't understand why I hadn't had kids yet- even

I was hoping we could have an honest conversation about 'having kids'.
I am going to be 30 this year, my bf is turning 31.
We know we are going to spend the rest of our lives together- wether the other person likes it or not  :D

Growing up I have never been one to have a really strong instinct to be a mother.
I like kids and get along well with them, I think I could be a great mom and together we could be great parents.
We've talked about having kids, how we'd raise them, ideals etc and we are pretty much in sink.
We are both people that could just as easily feel fulfilled and have a wonderful life with or without having kids.
I have made it brutally clear that I don't intend on having or adopting kids after about the age of 33. I don't want to be a retired senior going to my kid's high school graduation.
Its totally fine for people who choose it, its just not for me.

In addition to my ambivalence I have a dread of having a child with some serious physical or mental disabilities, I don't know why I just do, maybe I just read too much so am acutely aware of all the bad things that can happen.
Plus my mother's first child (my older brother, died when I was 10 months old) died at the age of 3 due to a genetic kidney failure, my cousin has severe asperger's, and I have a cousin once removed with severe physical and mental retardation (thats the medical term, I don't want to hear about how thats a derogatory term) who will have to be taken care of his entire life, his mother has had to be his caregiver to the exclusion of all else her entire life, her marriage broke apart because of it when he was 11.


I don't know what I am looking for, I just, I guess I just needed to actually verbalize my feelings to hopefully make sense of them.

When we got married we decided we would spend 5 years together before we thought about having kids.  Well after 5 years we found our lives elsewhere, namely going back to school in another country where we could NOT have kids.  It took us another 5 years to get our lives back together. And now we are in a place where we wanted a kiddo in our life.  It was our choice.  Sure we have family and friends that would have rather we had kids soon after we got married, but we wouldn't have been happy, nor do all we have done. 
I can understand your medical concerns, as I've seen what it can do to a family to have a special needs child, AND when a parent is in their 60's when their child is graduating from high school. I have seen both blessings and difficulties, but the choices are the people involved's choices, no one else's.   

If you are worried about the possiblities of gentic issues talk to your doctor about them.  They have screenings that they can do now, which can eliviate some of your worries, but the decision is completly yours. Not your parents, not your friends, YOURS. 

granted i don't have children
but understand this no matter what there are always risk thats just part of life there are risk. there is no guarentee about anything not even your next breath. Yeah raising kids can be scary tiresome and you wonder if your making the right choices you wonder if your doing whats right for the child. but there is also much joy and rewards for it as well. when they want you when they say i love you when they take your hands when they kiss you back.
i don't have kids but i'm around others with little ones and i have an little nephew so i see the joys and the rewards i see my parents joy at being grandparents as well.

i agree also make sure it's your choice not anyone elses

Ever seen the movie idiocracy?  Might help you make the choice.  I feel real guilty about not having any children after seeing it.  But first I need to find my partner.

I was 18,almost 19 when I had the first of my five children. I commend you for actually THINKING about it. I have to admit, that I did NOT. I knew I wanted children. I knew I wanted at least four. (Come from a big family enjoyed/enjoy that.)
However, I ended up being a single parent to five children, which maybe given more thought, might not have occurred.
It was also awful that I didnt think about the possibility of hereditary disabilities, but even in as large a family as ours, I was never exposed to that? We are a pretty healthy bunch.
I DONT regret my children and glad I had them while I was younger. Watching my 44 year old sister deal with a five and a seven year old has given me a much greater appeciation of how much energy it takes!!  ::)

Just don't let anyone else pressure you into it.  It's your choice, and you should honor your feelings.  However, if you do decide it's what you want, don't let fear stop you, unless you have an actual medically documented reason... and even then there are alternative means and methods.  

I was 36 when Scally was born, and I'll be 56 when she's 20... but that's more common these days than it has been in the last 50 years, or so, and I kind of like knowing a bit more about myself, so I'm able to help her more easily figure out who she might like to become.  I know I wouldn't have made a very good parent when I was younger, but I think we do ok together, now.  Of course, I would prefer that she have two involved parents, but that's not always possible.  

There are always going to be pros and cons... the trick is figuring out your deepest feelings about it all, and then being true to yourself.  Of course, the Universe occasionally has other plans... and then you sometimes end up with your own little miracle, whether you plan on it, or not!  :o  :D  

It is most definitely a personal choice, and always should be!

We don't have kids.. *yet*

My life did not go according to the original plan I had laid out. I fully expected to be married by the time I was 23-25 and be done having kids by the time I was 27-28. Yep that didn't happen. I started dating my 1st husband when I was 22, we got married when I was 28, we didn't have any kids *thank god* and divorced by the time I was 30.  ::)

A little time went on and I figured I was never going to get married again or have kids, but then I met Steve (Capt. Bacardi) who changed my entire world! We were married last year (I was 33 and he was 45). We've been talking about having kids and hopefully we will! Being older does scare me a little, *the health risks, how old we will be when the kid(s) are still in school, still figuring out their adult life, seeing them get married, seeing our grandchildren, etc..* but I can also see the benefit in being an older parent. We are more financially stable, we've gone through the party till you puke stage and have a better grasp on "real life", and just all around know more "stuff".

In a small way I do envy my parents though. My brother is 41, I'm 34, and my parents are both 59. They are both retired now, and have two grown up married kids taking care of themselves *and have been for many many moons* and also have a beautiful 4 year old granddaughter.. *no, I am in no way bias of my beautiful niece* *did I mention she is beautiful?*  :D I joke with Steve that having kids will mean we will have to work until we are dead..

We have many friends that have chosen not to have kids, in fact most of our friends have gone that route.. and that's okay! It's all about that personal choice, and what makes you happy in your life!

Auryn, let me say this from a potential grandparent point of view. It ain't their decision, it's yours. I would never and I HAVE never pressured my son on this issue. Granted, he's made two failed attempts at matrimony, but it happens, unfortunately. I'm glad there were no children to have to deal with that.

I find your reasons for not wanting to have a family as being reasonable and honest. More people should think about what they're doing beforehand as you are doing. A relationship does not have to culminate in an offspring. The planet is sufficiently populated and unless you need hands for your farm, children are not absolute essentials. Before I'm stoned to death, I'm not saying people should not have families. I am saying that people don't have to have families.

Your relationship is yours and yours alone. The issue of children should be between the two of you, and no one else. Good luck.

Auryn, I find myself in a similar place as you, and several others who have responded.  When I was younger, I just assumed I would be married in my early twenties, and have children (plural) before I turned 30.  In reality, I was barely married by the time I turned 30.  I want kids (as does my husband) but now I am in the position of being terrified that if I wait any longer I may not be able to versus wanting to have more time to spend alone with my husband.  I know that I want to be a mother, but I dont know if I am ready to give up my freedom (as in, I can just pick up and go wherever without having to worry about kiddos).  There are things in my life that I dream to accomplish, and having children would make those things much more difficult.  Then again, everyone around me it seems (at least most of the people with whom I went to school) are already on their second and third child, and I deeply envy what they have. 

I guess my point in all of this is to let you know that you are not alone, and that I echo everyone else who said that the choice is up to you and *potential/future* father, not your parents, not his parents, not the stranger down the street.

In any case, we are all here for you!  :)

Wow... I thought I was the only one feeling like this.

My husband and I are trying for a little one and I am absolutely terrified. lol...

Auryn, you are getting some great advice and ideas on this topic.  I'm a 49 yr old single mom of a 16 yr old boy.  My son was not planned, so I did not have this type of discussion nor time to think it through with anyone.  I've mostly raised him by myself.


My concerns were (and still are) as follows:

Is my home safe for a child?  Is it easily childproofed?  Are there any known hazards that adults can avoid but a child may not?  Is my home large enough to accommodate a whole other person?  Do I have pets that may harm my child?

Do I live in a safe neighborhood?  Can we play outside or go for walks?

How are my finances?  Am I in too much debt?  Can I afford to pay for another person for many years?  Nothing says stress like not being able to afford diapers, formula, clothing, school fees, memberships, sports etc.

Am I willing to give up my freedoms and take full responsibility for another person?  Can I stand going to child oriented events where they may not have anything adult to do.  Will I be able to adjust to planning every outing and event to include a child.

If my partner and I still both work, is there reliable childcare available?  Is it affordable?  Will it be a family member or something else.  Who transports the child to and from?

And then there is school.  If my child is to attend public school, how are the schools?  Is there public transportation provided by way of school bus?  Is there 1/2 or full day kindergarten?  If my child is to attend private school, how much will it cost?  Do I have to provide transportation?  Can I home school?

Do me or my partner have health, dental, vision, etc insurance?  What will happen to my deductible and copayments if I add a child to my policy?  Children often see their doctors.  If my child is sick and I have to stay home, is my employment flexible enough to do this, or do I have to rely on others to pick up my sick kid from school?

Do I need life insurance and a will? 

I'll stop now, you get the idea.  I never wanted children.  Now I see why.

Gina

Having kids is not for the faint of heart. That being said, you will never truly know if you are cut out for parenthood til you are actually holding that child in your arms. That may not be a fair challenge for you, but then again, life isn't fair.

I have 4. When I held my first born in my arms the moment she was born, I became a different person. I can see that moment in my minds eye very clearly.

I have 2 kids that had life threatening medical issues at birth. I'll say it again; parenthood isn't for the faint of heart and life isn't fair.

I could give you a complete dissertation on parenthood, but I will stop by saying:

Parenthood is a 100% cognisant, life commitment. There's no room for half-heartedness.

Quote from: Rapier Half-Wit on June 30, 2011, 11:55:27 AM
Parenthood is a 100% cognisant, life commitment. There's no room for half-heartedness.

This is something I tell my friends (without children) - once you have a child, you NEVER get to stop being Mom. It's a 24/7/forever job. Not a task to be taken lightly.

For the record, I adore the hell out of my daughter and wouldn't do it differently at all.

Quote from: Rapier Half-Wit on June 30, 2011, 11:55:27 AM
When I held my first born in my arms the moment she was born, I became a different person. I can see that moment in my minds eye very clearly.

This... exactly.  I am absolutely NOT the same person I was before Scally entered my life... and it happened at that very moment.  I changed many things when I found out I was pregnant, but it didn't really change WHO I was... but at the moment I first held her... I was changed at my most fundamental level.  From being my own person, concerned primarily with my own life and well-being... I became a parent, first and foremost... responsible for not just another person's growth and development, but also for their very existence... and I will be that until the day I die. 


Parenthood is amazing... and many times terrifying, frustrating, heartbreaking... and joyful.  But once you become a parent you don't ever get to go back to being the person you were before. 

Figuring out whether you're willing to make that trade is a question that only you can answer... and a decision that only you should be allowed to make for yourself. 

Thank you everyone
you are so very wonderful. I love you all.

You have all given me some new perspectives to think about.
To be totally fair, my parents have never pushed or nagged about getting grandchildren.
The comment my dad made was a one off a couple of years ago when the three of us were sitting around talking about life in general.
My parents and I are very close- we work together and see each other at least 6 hours a day during the week, on top of weekends.
I know my mother would never push me to have kids.
We have actually had this conversation a few times and she has always said that she respects and admires women who have the courage and presence of mind to know and decide that they don't want to have kids.
My parents were very young parents- my mom was 19 (and married) when they had my older brother.
So I grew up with young vivacious and active parents that took me and my little brother everywhere.  Shoot they moved from one continent to another with 2 kids under the age of 9- that takes guts.
They were very much about getting us to experience as much as possible- but also raised us to have the fear of god in us if we even considered misbehaving.

Thankfully my mother in law's new bf has 2 grandkids so she gets to play surrogate grandma and hasnt brought up the subject anymore.
I got my parents a dog a couple of years ago that they love to pieces- when they come back from a holiday they say hi to the dog before they say hi to me.

I guess just with a big birthday looming in the distance it got me thinking about it again.

The boy toy and I have already discussed it several times that when we start thinking that we might want to have kids we will go and have a full genetic screening done before hand, even if it costs a couple of thousand dollars, who knows genetics might make the decision for us and all this pondering will have been for naught.


It actually makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
It always seems that the people are always either gun ho about having kids or about choosing not to have kids.
Im glad im not the only one thats back and forth on the fence

QuoteI fully expected to be married by the time I was 23-25 and be done having kids by the time I was 27-28

same here

Quotebeing terrified that if I wait any longer I may not be able to versus wanting to have more time to spend alone with my husband.  I know that I want to be a mother, but I dont know if I am ready to give up my freedom (as in, I can just pick up and go wherever without having to worry about kiddos).  There are things in my life that I dream to accomplish, and having children would make those things much more difficult.  Then again, everyone around me it seems (at least most of the people with whom I went to school) are already on their second and third child, and I deeply envy what they have.  

its like your reading a page out of my mind's logbook.

*hugs*

Life is a scary and bumpy road..... but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and if we are all meant to be parents someday then we will be.. or not..  ;)

Well, just remember, you can be vivacious, active and FUN without being 19, as well...  ;) 


I'm seriously hoping Scally picks something completely outrageous this weekend like fire engine red, or lime green and purple, for her hair...  and we'll likely be listening to the latest Rob Zombie (Living Dead Girl is her latest favorite... that she totally stole from me) while we do the deed!  :D

Quote from: Muffin on June 29, 2011, 02:01:59 PM
It is most definitely a personal choice, and always should be!

*SNIP* I can also see the benefit in being an older parent. We are more financially stable, we've gone through the party till you puke stage and have a better grasp on "real life", and just all around know more "stuff". *SNIP*

Probably the best piece of practical wisdom to date!

 
 ~If you haven't finished partying yet; don't have kids; you haven't finished growing up yet.  Some people never do, and that's OK, but kids are a full time responsibility and immature people are rarely up to the challenge.  

 ~If you really can't afford the extra expense: If you have a job that doesn't pay more than daycare will cost, and/or you can't afford to stay home, please don't have kids.  Financial stress=emotional stress, and if you are not happy, your domestic partnership with suffer, and the kid(s) will suffer too.  Imagine having to decide whether you pay the light bill or buy diapers.  

I have 2 children, both grown.  My daughter was born when I was 20.  As an orphan, I had no experience with kids, little money and a spouse that was not anymore ready for kids than I was.  I was miserable, my husband was miserable, we fought all the time, and we were dirt poor. I determined not to have any more kids in the foreseeable future.
  Eventually I did, under much improved financial and emotional circumstances, and had my son at age 33.  It was so much better.  
  My daughter decided to wait until she had been married 10 years and was 33 before she had my grandson.  He is happy, perfectly healthy, though a tad on the spoiled side.   She is a career woman, and married to another career professional, and they do not want any more children. That is fine by me (and is not my decision to make anyway).  

That said; some folks never have kids, and they are just as happy as anyone else and have no regrets whatsoever.   Don't allow your decision to have kids (or not) be dictated by expectations of anyone one else but you.   You are responsible for making you happy, no one else.  If kids aren't your thing, then so be it.  The world will get over it, and a happy you makes for happy people around you.
 
 

 
 

I think the thing that scares me most is the question of, "are we able to afford a child?".

My husband and I have health/dental/life/vision insurance and we have gotten them with the possibility of a child in mind.

However, I think what really gets my nerves bundled is the fear of not being a good parent. I worry that I will not be able to provide for my kids all that they need.

My parents lived their lives for their kids. I come from an extremely close-knit family and we always did things together. I asked my parents once while we were on the topic of kids, "What if we aren't done traveling? Lots of people say we need to get traveling out of the way before you have kids". My parents simply replied with a chuckle, "You will have travel buddies. We didn't stop traveling once we became parents!", so that kinda made me feel a little bit better.

The financial aspect scares me quite a bit too! Daycare costs are outrageous! Holy Cats!!! I checked into a few just out of curiosity, and had sticker shock for a week!!  :o

I mean seriously, over $1K a month just seems crazy!!

Or wait... Maybe I should open a daycare!! I'll only charge $999.99...  ;)

Maeven, just because you need to be grown up and reliable to be a good parent doesn't in ANY way mean you have to stop having, or BEING, fun!!!  Scally goes almost everywhere with me, and we generally have a great time!  She loves Faire as much as I do, and when you meet her, you'll see how much she enjoys being around all of our rennie friends, even though not every activity is geared specifically toward kids.  We go lots of other places, as well, and I wouldn't dream of going on a long road trip without her!  She's been at my mom's for the last two days so I could do some serious concentrating on work... and it seems so quiet and... unnatural... without her around.  

Of course there are times when I would like to have a bit more "grown-up" fun, and I do occasionally get to go to a concert or event on my own, but not very often, and only once down to Scarby while she stayed with my mom.  I'll never get to go to TRF without her, though... or I would NEVER hear the end of it!  And I honestly don't mind, because, seriously... who better to play the worlds biggest game of dress-up with than your very own child?!?  :D

As others have said, having children is a very personal choice.  Out of six kids in my blended family, only 3 of us have kids-one each.  In fact, my sister got her tubes tied when she was 25 so that she could ensure she never had children because she knew she wouldn't be a good parent.  I was 19 when I got married and we waited 9 years before having our son.  My hubby's family constantly asked when we were having a child.  We didn't even know if we would be able to, due to chemical/heat exposures.  When I got pregnant, we weren't trying but weren't being really careful either.  My hubby changed a lot of his bad habits after we found out.  Having our son changed our life, every decision we make revolves around him, even now at 8 years old. Its exhausting sometimes, and totally amazingly rewarding sometimes.  We can't imagine our lives without him now.  But there are hard times, my son has ADD & asthma.  I;ve had to ride in an ambulance with him to rush him to the ER from the dr's office and spend 3 days sleeping in the PEDI ICU with him.  Then scramble to figure out how to pay for the meds afterwards (don't get me started on the medical bills...)  We've had to figure out what we were making for dinner after spending almost everything we had just on diapers and formula. 

We tried to have another child, but I miscarried.  After that, I wasn't able to get pregnant again.  I made the decision to stop trying.  I figure there is a reason for everything and someone was trying to tell me something.  Its a hard decision that still haunts me sometimes, even though I feel its the right one.  The last few years have been very hard on us and I can't imagine going through it all with a younger child to worry about.

Its a decision for you and your partner, no one else.  Sometimes surprises happen and you handle as best for you.

So, my advice to you, after having time to think without phones ringing at work...talk to your OBGYN, talk to a Family Planning clinic.  A great OB won't bat an eye at your questions and will answer everything the best they can and offer even more education.  I don't know about inherited issues but the regular chances of having a mentally challenged child is fairly low until you hit around 40, then the chances go up (same with multiples).  Get testing done, especially if there have been cases in your family, also look at the age of the parents at conception.  If you do decide to get pregnant, at around 12 weeks you should be offered the option for testing of amniotic fluids for autism and other issues and possibly a 4D ultrasound.  Do the testing.  I declined the testing in my second pregnancy due to cost (wasn't available for the first) and often wonder if they would have found something prior to the miscarriage 2 weeks later.

Dealing with a stepdaughter is about as much as I can handle.  I'm almost 37.  My wife is barely 22.  She wants more.  I don't really.  I don't want the time or financial expense right now, if ever.  We are both career people, not nurturers.  Neither wants to be home with kids.  Neither wants to miss work or business for kids.

Nothing wrong with that.

An observation on the comments regarding affordability... If you wait until you think you can afford one, you never will. We didn't have a pot to wee in, and our son was unexpected due to failure of the birth control. I was 22 when he was born. There's no perfect time. What works for one, doesn't for the next. All you can do is consider if you can handle the changes in you life that it will bring.

Edit...I forgot to mention, I wouldn't change a thing...

Quote from: Merlin the Elder on July 01, 2011, 06:59:13 AM
An observation on the comments regarding affordability... If you wait until you think you can afford one, you never will. We didn't have a pot to wee in, and our son was unexpected due to failure of the birth control. I was 22 when he was born. There's no perfect time. What works for one, doesn't for the next. All you can do is consider if you can handle the changes in you life that it will bring.

Edit...I forgot to mention, I wouldn't change a thing...

Very true!! One can never be totally ready!! I worry about the financial aspect because I want to be able to give our kid(s) everything their little heart desires, but I know that is impossible...  :-\

What's that saying? A baby changes everything...  :)

In my "opinion" on the money issue: If you're worried about the kid putting a dent in your BMW payment, don't have any kids. If your worried about putting your kid through college, have the kid.

solution:

Get a couple of puppies.  If you can handle that then try for kids.

Muffin, I actually know a couple of kids who get every single thing they ask for... and within 5 minutes of meeting them you would likely wonder why these two weren't strangled at birth.  Really...

It's completely the fault of their parents, who thought they were giving their children a wonderful life... when all they are really giving them is a sense of entitlement, and a profound dissatisfaction with everything!  Of course, the parents are just as bad... so I'm convinced that it really does have as much to do with nurture as with nature.

It's wonderful of parents to want to give their children the best of everything... but it's not always in the best interest of the child to do so.  

When it comes to our traveling, the kiddo will just come along.  My mother had me out of rebellion, and once the "Ooo new baby" magic wore off she just dumped me at my grandparent's house and went out with her friends all weekend. I was not something that she felt could fit into her life, and to be honest I still don't quite fit into her idea of life.  I just don't want to dump my kid off with someone when ever they make life a little challanging. My grandparents were going out to eat, they took me along.  They went traveling, I went along.  They said it made their life a little more intresting, and honestly alot brighter for it.
We have been saving our pennies to go on a trip next spring, but we are playing it by ear depending on child care costs, but who knows what the future will hold.  I just know where ever we go, she is going with us.  Grandma wants time with her but I want it to be a blessing not a matter of dumping our child because she doesn't fit with our life.

I just remember a former friend of the family one summer afternoon dropped off their 3 year old at one of our family member's door steps.  Didn't stop to say high, just pulled up took them out, told them to go inside and drove off.  They didn't check to see if they were home, if they would mind, nothing.  When our family member called them to find out what the hello was going on.  They simply said, "Oh we decided to go out to the lake with some friends. He didn't want him underfoot while we partied, so we just dropped him off. See you later." They didn't pick the child up until noon the next day. They had partied so hard they had hangovers and didn't want a screaming kid around.  

Quote from: Rani Zemirah on July 01, 2011, 08:56:13 AM
Muffin, I actually know a couple of kids who get every single thing they ask for... and within 5 minutes of meeting them you would likely wonder why these two weren't strangled at birth.  Really...

It's completely the fault of their parents, who thought they were giving their children a wonderful life... when all they are really giving them is a sense of entitlement, and a profound dissatisfaction with everything!  Of course, the parents are just as bad... so I'm convinced that it really does have as much to do with nurture as with nature.

It's wonderful of parents to want to give their children the best of everything... but it's not always in the best interest of the child to do so.  

I know that giving a child everything they want is not the right way to raise a child. I guess I should have clarified.. I'm not talking about buying them every toy, treat, etc. that they demand.. I want to be able to provide for them, and have enough money left over so that they can participate in activities, little league, cub scouts, girl scouts, gymnastics, dance, go to camp, etc.. etc... I don't want to be in a position where I have to say, sorry honey, you can't join x, Mom and Dad don't have the money, we have to buy food instead...

:)

Don't let anyone tell you that you have to have kids OR (my personal pet peeve) that you can't travel with kids. Yes, our vacations changed but we've traveled a LOT with our kids, starting at a very young age. In their short lives (13 & 10) they've been all over the US, on a cruise to Mexico, Europe and Turkey. Next year we're doing an Alaskan cruise & I forsee a trip to Japan on the horizon.
But again, you don't have to have kids. Seeing the hell my nephews have gone through because their mom didn't want to be a mom cconvinces me that not everyone should have kids. Besides, as a friend of mine once said 'The world needs more Aunties & Uncles'. And I agree!

spoiling children and giving them all the toys mom and dad won't let them have is the job of grandparents and the aunt and uncles  ;D ;D
and trust me i love being an aunt i love the spoiling them rotten gave my nephew lemonade yesterday then sent him home to my brother and sister in law
;D ;D
ofcourse i can't wait for his pool to arrive either the boy is fasinated with water

I have one that is shade darker than that.  I will not mention names or affiliation just to keep it simple.

a couple had a daughter.  He was a cop. she was a waitress.  He was a drunk, she was a slut.   As the child got older 3 more children came into the picture, however it was not rough on the parents because they had this built in 8 year old babysitter.  As she got older and was in danger of going out and having fun and leaving the raising of the three boys to the wife, they concocted a story that she had epilepsy, and had to be on constant medication that basically left her a zombie.  Of course not being able to go outside and play, she could therefore stay at home and take care of her three brothers.  Then when the brothers were out and on their own, it became known that somehow a mistake was made and she did not really have epilepsy after all, ohh so sorry, but you can go out and get married or something because all I need are my boys.

TRUE STORY

Moral  Get puppies.  They grow into dogs that will give you unconditional love for as long as they live.............

Hey Auryn. I gotta weigh in here as well. My thoughts are that life is meant to be a joyous adventure. One in which you'll never know just what will be around the next corner. If you spend your life worrying about what bad thing *might* happen you'll end up sitting in the corner and possibly regretting what you did NOT do. Do you not marry the love of your life because there is cancer in his family and he might become ill himself? Do you not drive hundreds of miles a month knowing that people die every day in auto accidents?

Life is a sort of gamble. All you can do is decide if a child is something that you want. Or not. Agree wholeheartedly on having screenings to see if there are complications present, but beyond that who knows, and finances don't make a child a success in life. Often it's just the opposite. Look at Oprah. Look at so many. Sometimes it,s the challenges in life that push one toward success. You might bring someone I to this world that through challenges can go on to be a very bright light. Think about it.:)

Just do...whatever. It doesn't really matter WHAT you do, there will be consequences, both good and bad. Nim asked me a while back, what would I change if I could? I replied, "Nothing at all." She was puzzled as to why not, and the answer is that anything I had changed in the past might have changed who I was with right now, and that is something that I most definitely would not want changed.

You have got to be just the sweetest man I've ever met, Merlin... and Nim is a lucky woman to have you!  Of course, I think she's pretty wonderful, as well... so you're BOTH lucky!!!  ;) 

Quote from: BLAKDUKE on July 01, 2011, 08:51:21 AM
solution:

Get a couple of puppies.  If you can handle that then try for kids.

Oh gosh, this is no lie...When my now teenage kids were in elementary school, we decided to get them a dog.  Our decision whether or not to get the dog seemed more difficult than our decision to have kids!   Having the kids just happened, it wasn't planned so it was out of our hands.  We discussed the pros and cons of getting the dog and it was such a serious discussion we had to laugh over it being a harder decision than the kids!

No joke about the dog thing...if someone cant take responsibility for a dog, they are no way going to be able to manage a child.

I turned 40 this year.

My daughter turned 6 this year.

10 years ago I was in the same boat as you and I fully understand how you feel.

I didn't get pregnant till I was 33, and she was a surprise.  I had given up the thought of having children.  I thought it was simply not supposed to be a part of my life and I had learned to accept it so you can imagine how excited I was to learn someone had other ideas in mind when blessing me with a child.

As a parent you are changed forever and find yourself worrying about everything mentioned here in this thread and probably 100 more not mentioned.

Yes I don't have as much energy as I might have were I 20-something instead of 40, but there's many benefits of being older.  I'm more patient, rational, emotionally resilient, creative, tolerant.  I don't care if she wants to wear a pink camo skirt with christmas green and red socks to school.  I know how to enjoy the time with my child and value her as a part of my life and that's something I know I couldn't have done 20 years ago.


When I was taking my birthing class they handed out this great short story that I wish I still had a copy of.  It was titled Amsterdam. 

The idea behind the story was you were taking a trip, a wonderful trip and you had everything planned out so you knew exactly where you were going, what you were doing and how much fun you would have.  Only problem was you stepped off the plane and found yourself in Amsterdam which is not where you had planned to go.

At first you're disappointed, but then realize that it's not such a bad place after all.  There's still wonderful things to do and see, you have a wonderful time and you're very happy that's where you ended up.

Having a child - special needs or not - is like taking a trip and ending up in Amsterdam.  It's not where you planned on going, but you had a wonderful time just the same.

Quote from: Muffin on July 01, 2011, 09:07:34 AM
I know that giving a child everything they want is not the right way to raise a child. I guess I should have clarified.. I'm not talking about buying them every toy, treat, etc. that they demand.. I want to be able to provide for them, and have enough money left over so that they can participate in activities, little league, cub scouts, girl scouts, gymnastics, dance, go to camp, etc.. etc... I don't want to be in a position where I have to say, sorry honey, you can't join x, Mom and Dad don't have the money, we have to buy food instead...

:)

In a perfect world, we would all always have enough money for everything we need and want.  As has already been said, if you wait until you think you can afford to have children, you never will.  In today's world unless you are very well off financially,  you very well may have to choose between fun things like your child joining sports teams, taking lessons,etc., and necessities like food and paying the electric bill.  This is a reality my family deals with every day.  It does get old having to say no to the kids sometimes, but we do the best we can.  They don't get everything they want, but they get everything they need.  We do our best to make the things that are most important to them happen, even though that usually means sacrificing something for ourselves. There's a reason I only make it to faire once or twice a season, and I'm thankful I can do that.  Although I would rather be able to give them everything they ask for( within reason), I think that growing up the way they have will help to prepare them for life better than if they grew up spoiled with a sense of entitlement. Or at least that's what I try to convince myself.

Give anyone, everything they ask for and they will soon come to beleive that they are entitled to everything.