Whew. LOL. My 22 year old son spent his last week here before returning to college. The summer went easily with him as he is laid back and helpful. I was sorry to see him leave!
Now my 19 year old, who has been gone for 9 months is returning, at least part time. The other half to my spent at my oldest daughters.
She is a whole different kettle of fish. Maybe from being the youngest. I dont know.
These are my rules. Personally I dont think they are unreasonable? With my son I didnt worry about "rules" because he has a lot of common sense. :)
#1 Smoking. On the porch, in the basement area or outside, clean up cigarette butts and I will NOT be buying you cigarettes. Ever.
#2 Clean up after yourself
#3 No uninvited company
#4 Midnight curfew please
#5 This is a no brainer, but no drugs in the house.
I dont believe these should be so tough to follow...what say you?
Your house. Your rules. End of discussion.
Ferret
I don't have kids, but I've had friends asking/hinting about moving in until they could get back on their feet. This is the set of rules that I sent out:
HOUSE RULES
1. No illegal substances – substances being those listed in the Vernon's Texas Statutes as well as the US Federal Law Code. Non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.
2. No stays with sexual partners – do your 'entertainment' elsewhere. Also non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.
3. You will clean up after yourself. I do not expect you to clean up after me, and I will not clean up after you.
NOTE: I admit I am a slob, but I try not to violate the Health Code. When you move in, I promise to improve this character flaw in myself. I will not throw the "this is my house" thing in your face. I will trade off on activities, i.e. if you cook, I will clean up.
4. You will contribute towards electricity, water, and telephone. Please note that you are expected to either chip in for groceries and/or be responsible for buying your own.
5. You will have a job. It doesn't have to be prestigious: I don't care if you are in charge of the fry machine at the local McDonalds. You will have a job. Non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.
6. If you have not finished your education, you will work on obtaining that degree. You are free to continue living at my house if you wish to work on higher education for college. You will maintain a 3.5 overall average and provide me a sealed transcript at the end of each semester. The education is non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.
redkimba, all great rules!!
I guess I just got out of the habit of having to HAVE many rules.
As said though, I think mostly its just common sense.
Ferret,lol, ABSOLUTELY!! ;D
As a person who has moved back in with her parents, I believe your rules are more than fair.
I think you should also add in:
* Expectations to help with chores around the house. They are living in your house, they can help take care of it. Washing a few dishes and keeping the bathroom clean or taking out the trash is a simple and easy way to show gratitude.
* Clear time frame for moving out. The goal is to get your child self sufficient and back on their own. If the stay is indefinite, there is less motivation to get finances in order and move out.
* I definitely concur on having job/education requirements.
Yeah, right now she is cleaning out the storage room that used to be HER room,lol. I said if she wanted to sleep in there, SHE was doing it, or it was couch city.
Having been in the situation, in the last 2 years, that I HAD to move in with friends, I think in general the rules stated by both Mairte & Redkimba are more than fair.
When I moved in, we agreed on a weekly "all inclusive" rent for me, once I started working again, which contributed to the water/electric (we are on a city co-op that bills the 2 together), and groceries. In the weeks before I found work, I was contributing what I could from my Ebay, estate and craigslist sales, as well as helping with their cattery, especially when they were out of town during the holidays.
At that point, the rules were:
pay your way
no illegal substances
clean up after yourself
respect other people's things
be considerate of your housemates (i.e. don't slam the front door which is next to someone's bedroom when you come in at midnight, knowing they have to leave at 6 a.m. for work)
When I returned to my mom's house, I was well over 19, and while she didn't spell any rules out for me, I pretty much lived by the rules that existed before I left, aside from the curfew, and it was fine.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/midlife/adult_children/the_empty_nest_syndrome/when_adult_children_move_back_home.aspx
This article has some good ideas. I think you should have a written, signed agreement with your daughter. Make sure the agreement states the rules and what happens if she doesn't follow them.
Gina
Woo I feel like I get to play the devil's advocate here being an adult child haha.
I really dont have much against as far as everyone's rules have been, really all I could argue is midnight curfew as at that age the night is barely starting, I have to admit I often roll in around 2 or 3 in the morning and usually will send a text if I know I am going to be coming in after the 'rentals are asleep then I make sure to do so quietly. Maybe it's just me but at 22 midnight seems a bit early.
I've also never understood the "no sex in my house" rule (outside of religious reasons). Especially when the child is chipping in money-wise. I can understand wanting to protect your house from becoming a flop house or if there are younger children in the household but I have a hard time seeing the point in banning it if you're child is in a committed relationship, it's going to happen one way or another and I think I would rather have my kid doing it somewhere I know they're safe and comfortable (with themselves and their surroundings) than having to find alternatives. (Being young and seeing from many others I think this not only really ends giving the entire "situation" this like sense of being something almost shameful {when its really shouldnt be} but gives it a sense of recklessness which breeds more recklessness which just ends up with breeding).
This is a touchy one though I know, but just from a youngin's standpoint I really dont get it.
I do however completely agree with everything else, especially the school and work rules.
Makes me rather sad that there even has to be a zero drug rule as it really shouldn't be an issue :-\
And I do agree on the idea of "Your house your rules" despite my rambling.
Curious on rules on alcohol. My boyfriend is 21 but his parents will only allow him to have beer in the house and no hard alcohol, is this common?
P.S. If my random sex rant is too taboo or what have you please feel free to remove and I by no means mean an disrespect to anyone, just my two cents.
Had to laugh a bit, Becky10, about the no-sex in my house musings. As one of the much elder generation, I wonder if it is not more of the "eyewwww" factor, as in the grumblings I have heard from many young adults when they realize their own parents are doing "that" just down the hall.
As for the rest of the situations, for some people the family dynamics never change; while in other families children grow up, and so do the parents who let them grow up. Check back in 50 years to find out which parents are still trying to tell their offspring how to live and which offspring are still rebelling.
My personal opinion is that there should be an agreement before they move back in, hopefully on paper, with a general outline of what each expects. Then everyone can decide whether it is really a good idea to move back at all.
LOL! You're so right, P³! My son "complains" if Nim and I get a bit too "frisky" and noisy while he's visiting.
Becky's right about the curfew bit. When the boy is in town, he usually heads out for the evening about the same time we go to bed, but then, we go to bed quite early since we get up by 4:00 a.m. He'll come home usually by 1 or 2 a.m.
I almost wish he would move back home. With him living in NYC, we just don't get to spend enough time with him... he just started back about an hour ago and I already miss him...
Haha I guess I am a bit immune to that bit as my room is clear on the other side of the house from my parents.
As far as curfew: I also live in SoCal so a lot of things dont start till almost midnight, so this I guess can be different depending on where you're living.
Becky, nothing wrong with playing devil's advocate!
I am doing my best to have rules that arent super constricting but fair. So far so good.
My daughter is one of those that stays up to all hours of the night but she is very respectful about letting ME sleep,lol. So even though I would like her in my midnight or so,(that rule is negotiable, depending) I dont get too concerned about how she arranges her sleep/being awake times.
Hmmmm. The "no sex in my house" issue. Maybe I am lazy, but I just say no. :D Not that I am against people having sex, I just dont want to be concerned about it in my living area. (shrug)
Quote from: Mairte on August 02, 2011, 06:37:14 PM
Hmmmm. The "no sex in my house" issue. Maybe I am lazy, but I just say no. :D Not that I am against people having sex, I just dont want to be concerned about it in my living area. (shrug)
You don't need a reason.
If they want to be independent. Then get their own place and be independent.
Ferret
I wonder if I should have enforced that rule when my mother-in-law came for a visit and had her boyfriend with her...that could have been interesting! Turnabout is fair play.
:D :D Dont you wonder how they would have reacted?
Yup. I dont need a reason. I am just a mean old mom. ;D
Not that mine has returned - she's never really left - but at age 21, turning 22 at the end of august, she has a 10pm curfew. Our house. Our alarm clock. Don't disrupt my life if I'm the one paying the mortgage. Really no issues and we love her to bits but do wish she'd get her own place. It's just time.
To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.
Our rules are designed entirely with making it so uncomfortable that becoming independent is the better idea. Fly little birdie, fly! Major crisis? Of course we have room, c'mon back. Stupid decisions - we tried our best but now you have to suffer the consequences.
And yes, I go from mommy whose shoulder you can cry on to the dragon lady mother b!tch from hell in approximately 0.5 seconds when "the line" is crossed.
We are an odd little 3-person family unit but then I see the really crazy people out there and realize we are much more normal than I expected!
I agree with the "not making things too comfortable" for returning children.
Right now she is on an apartment waiting list and looks like one is opening up soon.
Fingers crossed,lol. ;D
When my friend had to move back in with his folks he sat down with them and made a "plan of attack". He shows he is putting x amount away for moving out. He contributes x amount to the household costs. He knows what the expectations for chores are. His folks laid out their expectations in regards to what they want and don't want in their home. Everyone was one the same page before he even moved 1 box.
A year later, he crafes again some of the requirements, but he is in a better place both finanially and support wise than he was, and is thankful for his folks to do that for him.
The biggest thing he has said to others who are forced to do this is RESPECT. If the 'kid' can't respect their parents, it won't work. If the parents can't respect the fact that their 'child ' is grown up, it won't work. It is a tough balance.
Quote from: Lady Kett on August 03, 2011, 09:50:59 PM
To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.
Our rules are designed entirely with making it so uncomfortable that becoming independent is the better idea. Fly little birdie, fly! Major crisis? Of course we have room, c'mon back. Stupid decisions - we tried our best but now you have to suffer the consequences.
And yes, I go from mommy whose shoulder you can cry on to the dragon lady mother b!tch from hell in approximately 0.5 seconds when "the line" is crossed.
We are an odd little 3-person family unit but then I see the really crazy people out there and realize we are much more normal than I expected!
My youngest just moved out after finishing college and turning 23. My husbands' youngest is still living with us due to health issues. Otherwise he would be gone too.
I agree with all of the above, and one thing that I am firm on is the hard line I draw for Boomerang kids. I think kids can come home for a short period
if the circumstances were beyond their control. Period. Once home, they are expected to rectify that situation as quickly as possible and resume adult life in their own. Dumb decisions such as getting yourself or someone else preggers, overextending yourself financially so you can 'live the life' without thinking about how you plan to pay for it, and quitting your job just because 'you don't like it, don't want to put up with the BS anymore' (suck it up kid, life is a poop sandwich, not all bread), and breaking the law qualifies as 'your decision/your problem' in my book.
There is no reason moving home again needs to be fun and comfortable, like a free hotel, or be considered a first choice when the going gets tough.
This is so bizarre. Its like journey to the land of the lost. I am quite enjoying poking around in the brains of the 'rentals. ;D
*edit* I thought of something
So, if your child has a problem with one of the rules is it up for debate or is it a "my was or the highway case" or is it that thing that parents do when they let you voice your opinion and take it in consideration even though we both know you've already made up your mind and in reality your just giving us a "fair" fight so technically you have the higher ground and we cant complain about not having any control of the situation. :P
Quote from: Becky10 on August 04, 2011, 04:55:53 PM
This is so bizarre. Its like journey to the land of the lost. I am quite enjoying poking around in the brains of the 'rentals. ;D
*edit* I thought of something
So, if your child has a problem with one of the rules is it up for debate or is it a "my was or the highway case" or is it that thing that parents do when they let you voice your opinion and take it in consideration even though we both know you've already made up your mind and in reality your just giving us a "fair" fight so technically you have the higher ground and we cant complain about not having any control of the situation. :P
You can poke the 'rental Dragon, Becky. ;D Be sure not to wake it up! *smoke ring*
I'll try to give a 'rental answer to your edit:
If the adult child comes back home, it's a 'hat-in-hand' situation. They want to stay in my house, they play by my rules or leave. There is no problem and thus, no debate required. I would treat them like adults, not children, and I expect them to act their age.
I respect their judgment and privacy, insofar as it does not disrupt my life, which is only fair, but if they want to move back home, it does not mean that they get to revert to being a child again.
:)
Well, I am about to get double whammied with the 25 year old returning as well for a SHORT time due to circumstances beyond her control.
I am not too worried about that one because my older kids have common sense.
Its the 19 year old that needs practically everything spelled out for her.Sigh. :-\
Quote from: Mairte on August 04, 2011, 06:24:08 PM
Well, I am about to get double whammied with the 25 year old returning as well for a SHORT time due to circumstances beyond her control.
I am not too worried about that one because my older kids have common sense.
Its the 19 year old that needs practically everything spelled out for her.Sigh. :-\
(admitting to lurking on this thread, but I couldn't resist this moment...)
Aren't all 19 year olds kinda like that...
(I was a very terrible 19 year old and made my worst mistakes at 19....so yeah...I had to have everything spelled out because I always found a Barbossa way around things.)
I returned home as an adult child myself, though the situation was quite different. My parents divorced and my father actually asked me to come back to help with the bills. He did not lay down a single rule for me as I was in my early 20s and had been on my own for several years. I on the other hand, made rules that I abided by. I purchased all of my own food, let him use all my things for the kitchen (my mom took all that when she left), paid rent and contributed to the electric bill. My boyfriend came over whenever I wanted him to and would frequently spend the night. I feel there was nothing wrong with this as I was paying rent and lived in the basement with my own bedroom, living room and mini kitchen type thing (mini-fridge, microwave, toaster oven). Your situation sounds quite different though. I would have laughed if he tried to give me a curfew or told me I couldn't have sex some place that I was paying rent.
To me, the no sex under my roof rule is to just reinforce that if you want to have fun, you need your own place. It is a trigger to force independence when it might not be otherwise engaged.
**
This was basically my thought for my rule. That, and I did not want to be surprised in walking into something that might be illegal in 3 states.... :P
your rules all make sense save curfew. He is an adult, why do you care when he comes home provided he is polite, making no noise and no messes?
Quote from: kcdcchef on August 05, 2011, 01:52:57 AM
your rules all make sense save curfew. He is an adult, why do you care when he comes home provided he is polite, making no noise and no messes?
Yeah, I'm with you on that. But when my son moved home for a semester with his girlfriend (later wife), it seemed ludicrous for me to outlaw something that I knew he was doing at school (sex). My mother was just appalled, but there are some very real generational differences that come to bear in these situations.
Quote from: Merlin the Elder on August 05, 2011, 01:04:52 PM
Yeah, I'm with you on that. But when my son moved home for a semester with his girlfriend (later wife), it seemed ludicrous for me to outlaw something that I knew he was doing at school (sex). My mother was just appalled, but there are some very real generational differences that come to bear in these situations.
yeah the no sex at home thing is dumb. who among us didnt get a piece of tail at home at some point? we all did. they are over 18, and provided they arent bringing babies into play, catching diseases, etc, who cares? just set ground rules early. IN YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!!!! BE QUIET OR TURN ON A RADIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makes it easy././
Like I said earlier, it was more a problem of Nim and I making noise than him and his lady...
Quote from: Merlin the Elder on August 05, 2011, 04:53:43 PM
Like I said earlier, it was more a problem of Nim and I making noise than him and his lady...
i can picture you now with a blue pill and a pewter goblet full of mead................
ROFL!
I guess everyone has their own opinions about things.(shrug) If you asked 100 individual families, you probably wouldnt get exactly the same answers and loads of different reasons why they replied as they did. :)
My mother and I were having a conversation about my 19 year old...her nickname is "Tigger" because she is talking non stop/moving from the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed....I dont know where she gets the energy.(shakes head)
Anyway. The rules are going over pretty well. But this is the honeymoon period so we will see.
I moved out at 16 and NEVER EVER EVER looked back, could not WAIT to get out. i wanted to do what i wanted when i wanted without discussion ever. so the best way in life to accomplish this is to get your own pad. then you never have to take orders from anyone. ( says the married man )
I think some parents set rules to punish children for perceived wrongs thruout their life. It is like they home to exact a pound of flesh from them or get some sick enjoyment watching them squirm or live in an uncomfortable situation.
Maybe adults should treat adults like adults?
Quote from: William_MacKean on August 07, 2011, 07:28:49 PM...Maybe adults should treat adults like adults?
While you have somewhat of a point, William, it assumes that the adult children are acting like adults...and the parents as well. Good in theory, but isn't always the case, from either perspective. It's an unfortunate side-effect of being human.
Definitely Merlin. My 25 year old acts like an adult most of the time. My 19 year CAN act like an adult. But also like a 10 year old a good share of the time. ::)