Parental help...... What to do with a 21 year old moving back home??

[Lady Gwyndolyn]

One of my children moved out at 16, now at 21, they are moving back home!  We have 2 others that live at home and each have their own rooms and we only live in a 3 bedroom home. 

She needs to come home, and that is fine.  I love my daughter and would do anything for her, but we don't have the space, we don't have the money.  We can't afford the electric, gas, and food bill for another person. 

My biggest worry is that her and her brother fought like cats and dogs when they both lived at home.  With all my time spent working on MMRF, fighting with the insurance companies about surgery and trying to find a job that I know that I am not suppose to have, I don't have the energy to play referee with 2 kids!!!  Their step father has never had to deal with them fighting like they did.  And the two that we have at home now, get along fantastically.  So we don't have that worry. 

What to do??? 

[dbaldock]

Does she have a job, to help pay household expenses?

If not, you might suggest that she get one.   


Take Care,
David Baldock

[Celtic Lady]

I agree that she should help pay for expenses. Helping around the house should be expected from her as well. She certainly would if she wasn't able to come home to you.
As for not having the space for another person, if you have a basement that is finished or semi-finished she could set up a temporary room there. One of my sisters did that at my parents' home years ago. She didn't have any solid walls (other than the what was already there) but for some privacy she used sheets hung from the ceiling.

[sealion]

I suggest a family meeting to discuss rules and expectations.

[Vexed Viscount]

Perhaps you could hire a neighbor to answer the door when she comes home and explain that you moved to Pago Pago? 

Alternately, I'd opt for the family meeting as Sealion suggests and be clear about expecting her to work. Not because you're a curmudgeon, but because you love her and want her to be strong and independent, and contributing to the family as an adult is an important step towards that end.

I'd also mention to your other children that this is what mothers and fathers do for their children; they help when needed and you would do the same for either of them if necessary and that you expect them to show the same love and compassion for your daughter during her time of need. Likewise, communicate to your daughter that you expect her to show compassion and understanding for the sacrifies that your other children will be making. And that you expect patience and tolerance on all sides.

As far as jobs for her goes, there are many, many entry level, minimum wage jobs that one can take to help pay bills while looking for something better. Most restaurants hire new wait staff weekly. Swallowing one's pride and doing what is necessary to provide for one's self and not being a burden to family and society is part of being an adult in an adult world.

Finally, keep in mind that people change dramatically between 16 and 21 and it's likely your daughter is not the same person that left home five years ago. Imagine how different you were between those ages. At 16 I was going to school and worried about my next algebra test. At 21 I was a young NCO in the Air Force, disarming bombs, with the lives of my team and myself hanging in the balance of my decisions. I had matured quite a bit, to understate the matter. Also, I personally know of a certain redhead who fought with her brother like cat and dog when they were younger and now they are, quite literally, best friends 

My two coppers worth.

[Lady Neysa]

Lady Gwyndolyn,  I know exactly where you're  coming from.   My oldest daughter is 23 and still hasn't moved out  and I really can't see her being financially ready anytime soon.  She's very slowly putting herself through college paying for it herself and working.  She still only works in a fast food joint while trying to find a job  in her career field, but at least she's working, and I give her full kudos for that.  There are lots of times though, that we go round and round on some issues...so some clear ground rules must be established for everyone's sanity. 

First of all...it doesn't matter how old she is- it's your house and your rules.  If she can't live with whatever rules you lay down, then she might be better off finding a different place to live.
 
As far as the siblings not getting along...  tell your younger ones to try their best to get along in light of the new circumstances.  As far as the eldest goes,  if you feel she's ever the one "instigating" problems with the younger sibs, firmly remind her that she's an adult and needs to start acting like one.  Believe me,  I have LOTS of  experience with that one!  I still have to tell  my daughter to "grow up" sometimes. 

As far as finances go, some tough love is in order.  Explain your own financial situation and that since you can't afford to support her, she'll have to get a job if she doesn't already have one. 

Make sure she knows she'll have to pitch in around the house just like everyone else.  No treating you like you're a free hotel and restaurant. 

As far as the living arrangements go,  if you have a basement or any spare space at all, set that up.  My daughter lives in our unfinished basement.  She laid down a big area rug and hung sheets from the rafters to form her own private space.  It's not the greatest setup, but she has her tv, computer, and a space heater. When she first had to move down there due to her siblings getting bigger and needing their own rooms, she complained about it. I reminded her that she wasn't willing to share with her sister, and that the basement was in fact, rent free.   She doesn't complain about it anymore. 

Show your daughter your love and emotional support always, but be tough.  Good luck.

[anne of oaktower]

I have not yet been faced with having a child move back home (actually, they're not completely out the door yet), but I told both of them a long time ago that should they ever have need to live with me again once they've moved out, that would be fine, but there will be ground rules. 
1.  My house = my rules.  (And they are reasonable rules.)
2.  They will be expected to help around the home with chores.  (Mostly just dishes and laundry)
3.  There will be a time limit set according to the circumstances of their return.  Most likely that limit will be six months, no more than one year.  I figure that is enough time to pull one's thoughts together, find some sort of work, etc.  At the end of that time period, I am willing to pay first months rent, security deposit, and utilities for their own apartment.  After that they're on their own again.

All of that may sound harsh, but I personally know people who cannot get their kids to leave the nest.  Those kids know they've got it made living at home, and they have no intention of leaving any time soon.  The parents can't even go on a vacation alone!  I love my kids, but I have a life, too.   

[Tipsy Gypsy]

No kids by choice, but, I did have a kid sister who moved in with me for a while. Seemed like much longer than it was. Based on my experience with that, at least, I'd suggest several things-

First of all, the minors you're still raising are your first priority. You're helping her in a big way, but she is her own responsibility now, not yours. Remind her that you've both developed your own ways of doing things since she left, and there will probably be differences of opinion about that, but as Anne says, your house, your rules. Period. if she doesn't like your way of doing things, she's free to go where she can make her own rules. Require her to get and maintain employment, and estimate the increased cost in having another person present and set down an agreement in writing that she'll contribute X amount per month toward room and board, to be increased if needed. Make her responsible for all of her own personal expenses, cleanup, and for contributing to the rest of the household. Don't make the younger ones share their space (that can lead to hard feelings); find her a spot to camp out, and set a time limit for her stay- sometimes if they get too comfy, they don't want to leave...!

Kid sis took the amenities at our house for granted. She didn't like finding out that she was expected to be a responsible, contributing member of the household, and that she couldn't live under my roof, freeload, and do as she pleased. That caused a lot of tension, and it was a huge relief when she moved out. Your daughter, however, having been out of the house and (I presume) on her own for a while already, may already realize that there is a trade-off. Establishing some firm ground rules at the start will be a huge help.

Best of luck!

[CatAshtrophy]

To make it a smooth transition, make sure you give the ground rules before your daughter moves back home. Make it clear to her that fighting with her siblings wont be tolerated. She has been gone for a long time, so it's entirely possible she had grown out of that by now anyway. Any rules and expectations about chores and when you expect her to be home (if you want a rule like that) need to be given before she moves in so there are no surprises.

Give her firm expectations of what you expect her to contribute the family financially, and stick to them. It will make it very hard for her to budget if she is not given expections that she know will always be true. You may wish her to pay you all a lump sum to you for rent to cover things like electricity and food, or you may wish her to pay for all her own expenses like food on her own. Or you may want combine those by having a steady rent to cover utilities she uses and then buy her own food, tolietries, etc. Pick whatever works best for you, but stick to it.

[Lady Gwyndolyn]

I can't thank each and every one of you enough for all of your responses.  She has moved in and the transition is going fairly smoothly.

She does have a part time job at a fast food joint.  If she is lucky enough to get 20 hours a week.  It is also 30 minutes away, so she is looking for a job a little closer.  With a little luck, her fiance graduates from college in a little while.  He has some great prospects on some good paying jobs and he wants to get them into an apartment.  He has a good head on his shoulders, knows what he wants out of life and knows how to get it.  So she is going to be in good hands.  However, it isn't known how long it is going to take him to get a job and the money to move into an apartment.  So we are thinking about 6 - 9 months she is going to be home. 

The boys avoid being home as much as possible anyway, so they don't have many issues as of right now.  Keeping fingers crossed it stays that way.

We have asked for $150.00 a paycheck.  She get's paid every other week and $300.00 a month isn't much at all to ask for concidering that small one bedroom apartments start at $600.00 a month.  She does help with food and around the house with chores. 

So again I thank all of you for your input.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!

[anne of oaktower]

Glad to hear that it's going well so far.  We're all here if you need us.  Good Luck! 

[Vexed Viscount]

We have asked for $150.00 a paycheck. 

Depending on how your finances are you might want to suprise your daughter with a moving out gift. Take the money she gives you and put it in a short term CD or savings account, and when she moves out give it all back with interest as both a reward for being so responsible and to help make sure she gets started on the right foot. I imagine she would long remember and treasure the gesture.

[anne of oaktower]

We have asked for $150.00 a paycheck. 

Depending on how your finances are you might want to suprise your daughter with a moving out gift. Take the money she gives you and put it in a short term CD or savings account, and when she moves out give it all back with interest as both a reward for being so responsible and to help make sure she gets started on the right foot. I imagine she would long remember and treasure the gesture.

Wow!  That is an awesome idea!  I'm filing that one away for future reference.  Even if only half the money could be given back, it would be a huge help to someone trying to regain their independence.