Funnies - Rated "G"

[DonaCatalina]

Consider the story of the two octogenarians on a park bench. One asks the other: "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
"Well, Joe," replies Harry, "I've never really thought much about it."
"Maybe we ought to start thinking about it," says Joe. "One of us is going to go first. Let's agree that the one who is left behind will come to this park bench every Wednesday at 11:00 a.m., and the one who has departed will find a way of getting a message to him at that time about reincarnation and all those other things that are beyond our ken."
Harry agrees.
One month later, Joe dies peacefully in his sleep. Every week for several months, Harry takes up his station at the park bench at 11:00 a.m.
Then one Wednesday, at the appointed hour, he hears a voice, as though from afar.
"Harry, Harry, can you hear me?" the voice says. "It's Joe."
"Joe, for heaven's sake, what is it like?"
"You wouldn't believe it, Harry, about the only thing you do up here is make love. They wake you up at seven in the morning and you make love until noon. After lunch and a nap, you're at it again right through until dinner time."
"Good gosh, Joe, what are you and where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Montana!"

[Rowan MacD]

  LMAO.  I thought about my sister's rabbits; She raises them for food. 
She says her buck has the ideal life.   Just eats and breeds...

[DonaCatalina]

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[Merlin the Elder]

LMAO!

[DonaCatalina]

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

[Lady Renee Buchanan]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.  Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[DonaCatalina]

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big".

St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.

Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Equinox to drive.

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Focus."

The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A little while later, the two guys with the Focus and the Equinox saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

[dbaldock]

Seen on Facebook:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,


...walk into a Michelin-starred restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinising the group.


"You can't come in here without a Thai".



Edit: Removed the "non-printing" characters that displayed as "?".

[Merlin the Elder]

David....go to your room!

[Serenity]

Seen on Facebook:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans,


...walk into a Michelin-starred restaurant.


"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinising the group.


"You can't come in here without a Thai".



Edit: Removed the "non-printing" characters that displayed as "?".

I am so stealing this!!  Absolutely hysterical!

[DonaCatalina]

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."

[DonaCatalina]

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night. "There's a burglar downstairs eating the cake that I made this morning."
"Who shall I call," her husband asked, "police or ambulance?"

[DonaCatalina]

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found on all corners of the earth.


Then he made the world round; and laughed and laughed and laughed.

[Rowan MacD]

 

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager,
"Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused.
"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied,
"before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

[DonaCatalina]