Welcome to the Forums!  Please post an introduction after signing up!

For an updated map of Ren Fests check out The Ren List at!

The Chat server is now running again, just select chat on the menu!

Main Menu

Funnies - Rated "G"

Started by festmum, June 12, 2008, 10:04:21 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Merlin the Elder

Quote from: BubbleWright on January 28, 2020, 03:15:35 PM
A German traveler came to the French Border and stopped at the Customs Station. The French Customs Officer began to question the traveler.
Customs Officer: "Name?".
The German: "Helmut Becker".
Customs Officer: "Age?".
The German: "31".
Customs Officer: "Occupation?".
The German: "Nein, just visiting".

Living life in the slow lane
ROoL #116; the Jack of Daniels; AARP #7; SS# 000-00-0013
I've upped my standards. Now, up yours.
...and may all your babies be born naked...


Did you hear about the man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun? Surgeons revealed he is now "Fully recovered".
"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
   Antoine de St. Exupery



It was fun being a baby boomer - until now.

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits.

They include;
Hermans Hermits - Mrs Brown you've got a lovely walker.
Bee Gees - How can you mend a broken hip?
Roberta Flack - First time ever I forgot your face.
Paul Simon - 50 ways to lose your liver.
The Commodores - Once,twice,three times to the bathroom.
Marvin Gaye - Heard it through the grape nuts.
Procol Harem - A whiter shade of hair.
Leo Sayer - You make me feel like napping.
The Temptations - Pappas got a kidney stone.
Abba - Denture Queen
Helen Reddy - I am woman hear me snore.
Leslie Gore - It's my procedure and I'll cry if I want to.
Willy Nelson - On the commode again.
"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
   Antoine de St. Exupery


A loud pounding on the door awakened a man and his wife at 3:00am. The man gets up, opens the door, and there is a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband. "It's three in the morning!" He slams the door and goes back to bed. "Who was it?" asks the wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," her husband answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not; it's 3am in the morning, and it's bloody pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory...can't you remember about 3 months ago when our car broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself. God loves drunk people too, you know." The man does as he's told, and gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. "Are you still there?" he calls. "Yes," calls the stranger. "Do you still need a push?" asks the man. "Yes, please," replies the voice in the darkness. "Where are you?" asks the husband. (I love this part...) "Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk...


Classic Hollywood Squares:

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
"It is only with the heart that one sees rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye."
   Antoine de St. Exupery