having kids

[Muffin]

*hugs*

Life is a scary and bumpy road..... but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and if we are all meant to be parents someday then we will be.. or not.. 

[Rani Zemirah]

Well, just remember, you can be vivacious, active and FUN without being 19, as well...   


I'm seriously hoping Scally picks something completely outrageous this weekend like fire engine red, or lime green and purple, for her hair...  and we'll likely be listening to the latest Rob Zombie (Living Dead Girl is her latest favorite... that she totally stole from me) while we do the deed! 

[Rowan MacD]

It is most definitely a personal choice, and always should be!

*SNIP* I can also see the benefit in being an older parent. We are more financially stable, we've gone through the party till you puke stage and have a better grasp on "real life", and just all around know more "stuff". *SNIP*

Probably the best piece of practical wisdom to date!

 
 ~If you haven't finished partying yet; don't have kids; you haven't finished growing up yet.  Some people never do, and that's OK, but kids are a full time responsibility and immature people are rarely up to the challenge.  

 ~If you really can't afford the extra expense: If you have a job that doesn't pay more than daycare will cost, and/or you can't afford to stay home, please don't have kids.  Financial stress=emotional stress, and if you are not happy, your domestic partnership with suffer, and the kid(s) will suffer too.  Imagine having to decide whether you pay the light bill or buy diapers.  

I have 2 children, both grown.  My daughter was born when I was 20.  As an orphan, I had no experience with kids, little money and a spouse that was not anymore ready for kids than I was.  I was miserable, my husband was miserable, we fought all the time, and we were dirt poor. I determined not to have any more kids in the foreseeable future.
  Eventually I did, under much improved financial and emotional circumstances, and had my son at age 33.  It was so much better.  
  My daughter decided to wait until she had been married 10 years and was 33 before she had my grandson.  He is happy, perfectly healthy, though a tad on the spoiled side.   She is a career woman, and married to another career professional, and they do not want any more children. That is fine by me (and is not my decision to make anyway).  

That said; some folks never have kids, and they are just as happy as anyone else and have no regrets whatsoever.   Don't allow your decision to have kids (or not) be dictated by expectations of anyone one else but you.   You are responsible for making you happy, no one else.  If kids aren't your thing, then so be it.  The world will get over it, and a happy you makes for happy people around you.
 
 

 
 

[maeven]

I think the thing that scares me most is the question of, "are we able to afford a child?".

My husband and I have health/dental/life/vision insurance and we have gotten them with the possibility of a child in mind.

However, I think what really gets my nerves bundled is the fear of not being a good parent. I worry that I will not be able to provide for my kids all that they need.

My parents lived their lives for their kids. I come from an extremely close-knit family and we always did things together. I asked my parents once while we were on the topic of kids, "What if we aren't done traveling? Lots of people say we need to get traveling out of the way before you have kids". My parents simply replied with a chuckle, "You will have travel buddies. We didn't stop traveling once we became parents!", so that kinda made me feel a little bit better.

[Muffin]

The financial aspect scares me quite a bit too! Daycare costs are outrageous! Holy Cats!!! I checked into a few just out of curiosity, and had sticker shock for a week!! 

I mean seriously, over $1K a month just seems crazy!!

Or wait... Maybe I should open a daycare!! I'll only charge $999.99... 

[Rani Zemirah]

Maeven, just because you need to be grown up and reliable to be a good parent doesn't in ANY way mean you have to stop having, or BEING, fun!!!  Scally goes almost everywhere with me, and we generally have a great time!  She loves Faire as much as I do, and when you meet her, you'll see how much she enjoys being around all of our rennie friends, even though not every activity is geared specifically toward kids.  We go lots of other places, as well, and I wouldn't dream of going on a long road trip without her!  She's been at my mom's for the last two days so I could do some serious concentrating on work... and it seems so quiet and... unnatural... without her around.  

Of course there are times when I would like to have a bit more "grown-up" fun, and I do occasionally get to go to a concert or event on my own, but not very often, and only once down to Scarby while she stayed with my mom.  I'll never get to go to TRF without her, though... or I would NEVER hear the end of it!  And I honestly don't mind, because, seriously... who better to play the worlds biggest game of dress-up with than your very own child?!?  

[Trillium]

As others have said, having children is a very personal choice.  Out of six kids in my blended family, only 3 of us have kids-one each.  In fact, my sister got her tubes tied when she was 25 so that she could ensure she never had children because she knew she wouldn't be a good parent.  I was 19 when I got married and we waited 9 years before having our son.  My hubby's family constantly asked when we were having a child.  We didn't even know if we would be able to, due to chemical/heat exposures.  When I got pregnant, we weren't trying but weren't being really careful either.  My hubby changed a lot of his bad habits after we found out.  Having our son changed our life, every decision we make revolves around him, even now at 8 years old. Its exhausting sometimes, and totally amazingly rewarding sometimes.  We can't imagine our lives without him now.  But there are hard times, my son has ADD & asthma.  I;ve had to ride in an ambulance with him to rush him to the ER from the dr's office and spend 3 days sleeping in the PEDI ICU with him.  Then scramble to figure out how to pay for the meds afterwards (don't get me started on the medical bills...)  We've had to figure out what we were making for dinner after spending almost everything we had just on diapers and formula. 

We tried to have another child, but I miscarried.  After that, I wasn't able to get pregnant again.  I made the decision to stop trying.  I figure there is a reason for everything and someone was trying to tell me something.  Its a hard decision that still haunts me sometimes, even though I feel its the right one.  The last few years have been very hard on us and I can't imagine going through it all with a younger child to worry about.

Its a decision for you and your partner, no one else.  Sometimes surprises happen and you handle as best for you.

[Trillium]

So, my advice to you, after having time to think without phones ringing at work...talk to your OBGYN, talk to a Family Planning clinic.  A great OB won't bat an eye at your questions and will answer everything the best they can and offer even more education.  I don't know about inherited issues but the regular chances of having a mentally challenged child is fairly low until you hit around 40, then the chances go up (same with multiples).  Get testing done, especially if there have been cases in your family, also look at the age of the parents at conception.  If you do decide to get pregnant, at around 12 weeks you should be offered the option for testing of amniotic fluids for autism and other issues and possibly a 4D ultrasound.  Do the testing.  I declined the testing in my second pregnancy due to cost (wasn't available for the first) and often wonder if they would have found something prior to the miscarriage 2 weeks later.

[William_MacKean]

Dealing with a stepdaughter is about as much as I can handle.  I'm almost 37.  My wife is barely 22.  She wants more.  I don't really.  I don't want the time or financial expense right now, if ever.  We are both career people, not nurturers.  Neither wants to be home with kids.  Neither wants to miss work or business for kids.

Nothing wrong with that.

[Merlin the Elder]

An observation on the comments regarding affordability... If you wait until you think you can afford one, you never will. We didn't have a pot to wee in, and our son was unexpected due to failure of the birth control. I was 22 when he was born. There's no perfect time. What works for one, doesn't for the next. All you can do is consider if you can handle the changes in you life that it will bring.

Edit...I forgot to mention, I wouldn't change a thing...

[Muffin]

An observation on the comments regarding affordability... If you wait until you think you can afford one, you never will. We didn't have a pot to wee in, and our son was unexpected due to failure of the birth control. I was 22 when he was born. There's no perfect time. What works for one, doesn't for the next. All you can do is consider if you can handle the changes in you life that it will bring.

Edit...I forgot to mention, I wouldn't change a thing...

Very true!! One can never be totally ready!! I worry about the financial aspect because I want to be able to give our kid(s) everything their little heart desires, but I know that is impossible... 

What's that saying? A baby changes everything... 

[Rapier Half-Wit]

In my "opinion" on the money issue: If you're worried about the kid putting a dent in your BMW payment, don't have any kids. If your worried about putting your kid through college, have the kid.

[BLAKDUKE]

solution:

Get a couple of puppies.  If you can handle that then try for kids.

[Rani Zemirah]

Muffin, I actually know a couple of kids who get every single thing they ask for... and within 5 minutes of meeting them you would likely wonder why these two weren't strangled at birth.  Really...

It's completely the fault of their parents, who thought they were giving their children a wonderful life... when all they are really giving them is a sense of entitlement, and a profound dissatisfaction with everything!  Of course, the parents are just as bad... so I'm convinced that it really does have as much to do with nurture as with nature.

It's wonderful of parents to want to give their children the best of everything... but it's not always in the best interest of the child to do so.  

[LadyStitch]

When it comes to our traveling, the kiddo will just come along.  My mother had me out of rebellion, and once the "Ooo new baby" magic wore off she just dumped me at my grandparent's house and went out with her friends all weekend. I was not something that she felt could fit into her life, and to be honest I still don't quite fit into her idea of life.  I just don't want to dump my kid off with someone when ever they make life a little challanging. My grandparents were going out to eat, they took me along.  They went traveling, I went along.  They said it made their life a little more intresting, and honestly alot brighter for it.
We have been saving our pennies to go on a trip next spring, but we are playing it by ear depending on child care costs, but who knows what the future will hold.  I just know where ever we go, she is going with us.  Grandma wants time with her but I want it to be a blessing not a matter of dumping our child because she doesn't fit with our life.

I just remember a former friend of the family one summer afternoon dropped off their 3 year old at one of our family member's door steps.  Didn't stop to say high, just pulled up took them out, told them to go inside and drove off.  They didn't check to see if they were home, if they would mind, nothing.  When our family member called them to find out what the hello was going on.  They simply said, "Oh we decided to go out to the lake with some friends. He didn't want him underfoot while we partied, so we just dropped him off. See you later." They didn't pick the child up until noon the next day. They had partied so hard they had hangovers and didn't want a screaming kid around.