Funnies - Rated "G"

[Auryn]

Thank you DonaCatelina,
I was seriously crying and wheezing from laughing so hard which doesnt help my congestion but was totally worth it

you made my afternoon

[Lady Christina de Pond]

dang and i just got back from a mini vacation

[DonaCatalina]

Thank you DonaCatelina,
I was seriously crying and wheezing from laughing so hard which doesnt help my congestion but was totally worth it

you made my afternoon

My daughter actually sent me that. I was laughing so hard I had to lay my head on my desk.

[Merlin the Elder]

..... The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

While looking at the photograph, if you find more than one or two differences, then you need to -
Go on holiday.

Two Dolphins

   

Ahh! Finally the drugs are kicking in! No stress here... the dolphins are identical. Huzzah!  I might need to get my eyes checked though...they look more like gerbils.

[BubbleWright]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . It would have reached Mexico on May 5th. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.

[Lady Kett]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . It would have reached Mexico on May 5th. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as - Sinko De Mayo.



LOL! I'm sharing that at work today!

[Merlin the Elder]

Too Funny!  Already passed it along.... 

[BubbleWright]

Texting for Seniors...

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk 's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes ?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

[Merlin the Elder]

You shouldn't make fun of us old people.  These fake teeth don't break, and we bite! 

That's hilarious, Bubble.

[BubbleWright]

I too qualify for Senior discounts... I just forget to ask!

[BubbleWright]

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


OK, so now enjoy!


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a
work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put
'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for
forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

[Merlin the Elder]

^^^ Like² ^^^

[Rowan MacD]

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0.
However it does have:

           1 neutron.
         125 assistant neutrons
          75 vice-neutrons
         111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together  by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it
can be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which
it comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount
of Administratum causes one reaction to take four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities,
and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best
maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how. Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to date are not promising.

[Lady Kett]

LOL I love that Rowen! I'm going to have to send it to our VP!

[Merlin the Elder]

Rowan, that is so dead-on accurate, it's scary. I've passed it on to my supervisor (who is great to work with) and one of the profs who will most definitely appreciate it. Thanks! I needed that!