Rules For An Adult Child Returning?

[Mairte]

Whew. LOL. My 22 year old son spent his last week here before returning to college. The summer went easily with him as he is laid back and helpful. I was sorry to see him leave!
Now my 19 year old, who has been gone for 9 months is returning, at least part time. The other half to my spent at my oldest daughters.
She is a whole different kettle of fish. Maybe from being the youngest. I dont know.
These are my rules. Personally I dont think they are unreasonable? With my son I didnt worry about "rules" because he has a lot of common sense.
#1 Smoking. On the porch, in the basement area or outside, clean up cigarette butts and I will NOT be buying you cigarettes. Ever.
#2 Clean up after yourself
#3 No uninvited company
#4 Midnight curfew please
#5  This is a no brainer, but no drugs in the house.
I dont believe these should be so tough to follow...what say you?

[Ferret]

Your house. Your rules. End of discussion.

Ferret

[redkimba]

I don't have kids, but I've had friends asking/hinting about moving in until they could get back on their feet.  This is the set of rules that I sent out:

HOUSE RULES

1. No illegal substances – substances being those listed in the Vernon's Texas Statutes as well as the US Federal Law Code.  Non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.

2.  No stays with sexual partners – do your 'entertainment' elsewhere.  Also non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.

3.  You will clean up after yourself.  I do not expect you to clean up after me, and I will not clean up after you.
NOTE:  I admit I am a slob, but I try not to violate the Health Code.  When you move in, I promise to improve this character flaw in myself.  I will not throw the "this is my house" thing in your face.  I will trade off on activities, i.e. if you cook, I will clean up.

4.  You will contribute towards electricity, water, and telephone.  Please note that you are expected to either chip in for groceries and/or be responsible for buying your own.   
           
5.  You will have a job.   It doesn't have to be prestigious:  I don't care if you are in charge of the fry machine at the local McDonalds.   You will have a job.  Non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.

6.  If you have not finished your education, you will work on obtaining that degree.  You are free to continue living at my house if you wish to work on higher education for college.  You will maintain a 3.5 overall average and provide me a sealed transcript at the end of each semester.  The education is non-negotiable and zero-tolerance policy.

[Mairte]

redkimba, all great rules!!
I guess I just got out of the habit of having to HAVE many rules.
As said though, I think mostly its just common sense.
Ferret,lol, ABSOLUTELY!! 

[Meagan]

As a person who has moved back in with her parents, I believe your rules are more than fair.

I think you should also add in:

* Expectations to help with chores around the house. They are living in your house, they can help take care of it. Washing a few dishes and keeping the bathroom clean or taking out the trash is a simple and easy way to show gratitude.

* Clear time frame for moving out. The goal is to get your child self sufficient and back on their own. If the stay is indefinite, there is less motivation to get finances in order and move out. 

* I definitely concur on having job/education requirements.

[Mairte]

Yeah, right now she is cleaning out the storage room that used to be HER room,lol. I said if she wanted to sleep in there, SHE was doing it, or it was couch city.

[raevyncait]

Having been in the situation, in the last 2 years, that I HAD to move in with friends, I think in general the rules stated by both Mairte & Redkimba are more than fair. 

When I moved in, we agreed on a weekly "all inclusive" rent for me, once I started working again, which contributed to the water/electric (we are on a city co-op that bills the 2 together), and groceries. In the weeks before I found work, I was contributing what I could from my Ebay, estate and craigslist sales, as well as helping with their cattery, especially when they were out of town during the holidays.

At that point, the rules were:
pay your way
no illegal substances
clean up after yourself
respect other people's things
be considerate of your housemates (i.e. don't slam the front door which is next to someone's bedroom when you come in at midnight, knowing they have to leave at 6 a.m. for work)

When I returned to my mom's house, I was well over 19, and while she didn't spell any rules out for me, I pretty much lived by the rules that existed before I left, aside from the curfew, and it was fine.

[arbcoind]

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/midlife/adult_children/the_empty_nest_syndrome/when_adult_children_move_back_home.aspx

This article has some good ideas.  I think you should have a written, signed agreement with your daughter.  Make sure the agreement states the rules and what happens if she doesn't follow them. 

Gina

[Becky10]

Woo I feel like I get to play the devil's advocate here being an adult child haha.

I really dont have much against as far as everyone's rules have been, really all I could argue is midnight curfew as at that age the night is barely starting, I have to admit I often roll in around 2 or 3 in the morning and usually will send a text if I know I am going to be coming in after the 'rentals are asleep then I make sure to do so quietly. Maybe it's just me but at 22 midnight seems a bit early.

I've also never understood the "no sex in my house" rule (outside of religious reasons). Especially when the child is chipping in money-wise. I can understand wanting to protect your house from becoming a flop house or if there are younger children in the household but I have a hard time seeing the point in banning it if you're child is in a committed relationship, it's going to happen one way or another and I think I would rather have my kid doing it somewhere I know they're safe and comfortable (with themselves and their surroundings) than having to find alternatives. (Being young and seeing from many others I think this not only really ends giving the entire "situation" this like sense of being something almost shameful {when its really shouldnt be}  but gives it a sense of recklessness which breeds more recklessness which just ends up with breeding).
This is a touchy one though I know, but just from a youngin's standpoint I really dont get it.

I do however completely agree with everything else, especially the school and work rules.
Makes me rather sad that there even has to be a zero drug rule as it really shouldn't be an issue 
And I do agree on the idea of "Your house your rules" despite my rambling.

Curious on rules on alcohol. My boyfriend is 21 but his parents will only allow him to have beer in the house and no hard alcohol, is this common?

P.S. If my random sex rant is too taboo or what have you please feel free to remove and I by no means mean an disrespect to anyone, just my two cents.

[PollyPoPo]

Had to laugh a bit, Becky10, about the no-sex in my house musings.  As one of the much elder generation, I wonder if it is not more of the "eyewwww" factor, as in the grumblings I have heard from many young adults when they realize their own parents are doing "that" just down the hall. 

As for the rest of the situations, for some people the family dynamics never change; while in other families children grow up, and so do the parents who let them grow up.  Check back in 50 years to find out which parents are still trying to tell their offspring how to live and which offspring are still rebelling. 

My personal opinion is that there should be an agreement before they move back in, hopefully on paper, with a general outline of what each expects.  Then everyone can decide whether it is really a good idea to move back at all. 

[Merlin the Elder]

LOL! You're so right, P³! My son "complains" if Nim and I get a bit too "frisky" and noisy while he's visiting.

Becky's right about the curfew bit. When the boy is in town, he usually heads out for the evening about the same time we go to bed, but then, we go to bed quite early since we get up by 4:00 a.m. He'll come home usually by 1 or 2 a.m.

I almost wish he would move back home. With him living in NYC, we just don't get to spend enough time with him... he just started back about an hour ago and I already miss him...

[Becky10]

Haha I guess I am a bit immune to that bit as my room is clear on the other side of the house from my parents.
As far as curfew: I also live in SoCal so a lot of things dont start till almost midnight, so this I guess can be different depending on where you're living.

[Mairte]

Becky, nothing wrong with playing devil's advocate!
I am doing my best to have rules that arent super constricting but fair. So far so good.
My daughter is one of those that stays up to all hours of the night but she is very respectful about letting ME sleep,lol. So even though I would like her in my midnight or so,(that rule is negotiable, depending) I dont get too concerned about how she arranges her sleep/being awake times.
Hmmmm. The "no sex in my house" issue. Maybe I am lazy, but I just say no. Not that I am against people having sex, I just dont want to be concerned about it in my living area. (shrug)

[Ferret]

Hmmmm. The "no sex in my house" issue. Maybe I am lazy, but I just say no. Not that I am against people having sex, I just dont want to be concerned about it in my living area. (shrug)

You don't need a reason.

If they want to be independent. Then get their own place and be independent.

Ferret

[Merlin the Elder]

I wonder if I should have enforced that rule when my mother-in-law came for a visit and had her boyfriend with her...that could have been interesting! Turnabout is fair play.