Funnies - Rated "G"

[BubbleWright]

You know puns are really bad when you want to pass them on......

How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians able to settle here first?  They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!

[iain robb]

I groaned. I grimaced.

Then I saved them. 

[Merlin the Elder]

I almost made it to the bathroom

[dbaldock]

My cousin posted this on Facebook - don't know where he may have seen it.

===
Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story....about 200 dead crows near Boston, and there was concern of Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."
===

[BubbleWright]

The awesome power of a wife's love...

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[DonaCatalina]

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

[BubbleWright]

An ITALIAN and a CHINESE entered a chocolate store. As they were busy
looking, the CHINESE stole 3 chocolate bars. As they left the store,
the CHINESE said to the ITALIAN, "Man I'm the best thief, I stole 3
chocolate bars and no one saw me.

You can't beat that."

ITALIAN replied: "You want to see something better ? Let's go back to
the shop and I'll show you real stealing."

So they went to the counter and the ITALIAN said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see magic ?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes." The
ITALIAN said: "Give me one chocolate bar." The shopkeeper gave him
one, and he ate it. The ITALIAN asked for a second bar, and he ate
that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too. The
shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic ?"

The ITALIAN replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all
three bars of chocolate."

[Merlin the Elder]

LOL! I'll have to try that sometime!

[Merlin the Elder]

This just in...

Woman uses .25 caliber handgun to save herself from grizzly

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!"

"Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace."

[KeeperoftheBar]

Being from Montana and having seen a grizzly in the wild, I like this one....

[BubbleWright]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

"Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,

"What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,

"We are in BIG trouble this time!"

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[DonaCatalina]

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes." "Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

[Merlin the Elder]

I think if it's non-partisan, it won't be removed as political...here goes:
--------------------------------------------------------------

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[Capt Spleen]

Mr. Smith ran a flightless water fowl refuge; mostly terns. Mr. Jones owned a medicinal marijuana farm next door. Occasionally, a tern would get into Mr. Jones' farm through a hole in the fence creating ill will between the two neighbors.
After a storm severely damaged the fence, the birds invaded, leaving no tern un-stoned.

*From stories in 55 words or less*

[RenStarr]

Subject: The Tomato garden - You'll love this
 
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very
difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old
man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would
be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding
any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie