having kids

[Auryn]

I apologize if this is a little too heavy or inappropriate, if it is mods feel free to close it or delete it.
Honestly I just don't have any friends that I could discuss this with and I think for my mother it would be a little too close to home for her to be objective. My parents would like nothing more than to be grandparents (they would be awesome grandparents to boot), my dad even told me once (when I was 27) that he didn't understand why I hadn't had kids yet- even

I was hoping we could have an honest conversation about 'having kids'.
I am going to be 30 this year, my bf is turning 31.
We know we are going to spend the rest of our lives together- wether the other person likes it or not 

Growing up I have never been one to have a really strong instinct to be a mother.
I like kids and get along well with them, I think I could be a great mom and together we could be great parents.
We've talked about having kids, how we'd raise them, ideals etc and we are pretty much in sink.
We are both people that could just as easily feel fulfilled and have a wonderful life with or without having kids.
I have made it brutally clear that I don't intend on having or adopting kids after about the age of 33. I don't want to be a retired senior going to my kid's high school graduation.
Its totally fine for people who choose it, its just not for me.

In addition to my ambivalence I have a dread of having a child with some serious physical or mental disabilities, I don't know why I just do, maybe I just read too much so am acutely aware of all the bad things that can happen.
Plus my mother's first child (my older brother, died when I was 10 months old) died at the age of 3 due to a genetic kidney failure, my cousin has severe asperger's, and I have a cousin once removed with severe physical and mental retardation (thats the medical term, I don't want to hear about how thats a derogatory term) who will have to be taken care of his entire life, his mother has had to be his caregiver to the exclusion of all else her entire life, her marriage broke apart because of it when he was 11.


I don't know what I am looking for, I just, I guess I just needed to actually verbalize my feelings to hopefully make sense of them.

[LadyStitch]

When we got married we decided we would spend 5 years together before we thought about having kids.  Well after 5 years we found our lives elsewhere, namely going back to school in another country where we could NOT have kids.  It took us another 5 years to get our lives back together. And now we are in a place where we wanted a kiddo in our life.  It was our choice.  Sure we have family and friends that would have rather we had kids soon after we got married, but we wouldn't have been happy, nor do all we have done. 
I can understand your medical concerns, as I've seen what it can do to a family to have a special needs child, AND when a parent is in their 60's when their child is graduating from high school. I have seen both blessings and difficulties, but the choices are the people involved's choices, no one else's.   

If you are worried about the possiblities of gentic issues talk to your doctor about them.  They have screenings that they can do now, which can eliviate some of your worries, but the decision is completly yours. Not your parents, not your friends, YOURS. 

[Lady Christina de Pond]

granted i don't have children
but understand this no matter what there are always risk thats just part of life there are risk. there is no guarentee about anything not even your next breath. Yeah raising kids can be scary tiresome and you wonder if your making the right choices you wonder if your doing whats right for the child. but there is also much joy and rewards for it as well. when they want you when they say i love you when they take your hands when they kiss you back.
i don't have kids but i'm around others with little ones and i have an little nephew so i see the joys and the rewards i see my parents joy at being grandparents as well.

i agree also make sure it's your choice not anyone elses

[Grov]

Ever seen the movie idiocracy?  Might help you make the choice.  I feel real guilty about not having any children after seeing it.  But first I need to find my partner.

[Mairte]

I was 18,almost 19 when I had the first of my five children. I commend you for actually THINKING about it. I have to admit, that I did NOT. I knew I wanted children. I knew I wanted at least four. (Come from a big family enjoyed/enjoy that.)
However, I ended up being a single parent to five children, which maybe given more thought, might not have occurred.
It was also awful that I didnt think about the possibility of hereditary disabilities, but even in as large a family as ours, I was never exposed to that? We are a pretty healthy bunch.
I DONT regret my children and glad I had them while I was younger. Watching my 44 year old sister deal with a five and a seven year old has given me a much greater appeciation of how much energy it takes!! 

[Rani Zemirah]

Just don't let anyone else pressure you into it.  It's your choice, and you should honor your feelings.  However, if you do decide it's what you want, don't let fear stop you, unless you have an actual medically documented reason... and even then there are alternative means and methods.  

I was 36 when Scally was born, and I'll be 56 when she's 20... but that's more common these days than it has been in the last 50 years, or so, and I kind of like knowing a bit more about myself, so I'm able to help her more easily figure out who she might like to become.  I know I wouldn't have made a very good parent when I was younger, but I think we do ok together, now.  Of course, I would prefer that she have two involved parents, but that's not always possible.  

There are always going to be pros and cons... the trick is figuring out your deepest feelings about it all, and then being true to yourself.  Of course, the Universe occasionally has other plans... and then you sometimes end up with your own little miracle, whether you plan on it, or not!      

[Muffin]

It is most definitely a personal choice, and always should be!

We don't have kids.. *yet*

My life did not go according to the original plan I had laid out. I fully expected to be married by the time I was 23-25 and be done having kids by the time I was 27-28. Yep that didn't happen. I started dating my 1st husband when I was 22, we got married when I was 28, we didn't have any kids *thank god* and divorced by the time I was 30.  

A little time went on and I figured I was never going to get married again or have kids, but then I met Steve (Capt. Bacardi) who changed my entire world! We were married last year (I was 33 and he was 45). We've been talking about having kids and hopefully we will! Being older does scare me a little, *the health risks, how old we will be when the kid(s) are still in school, still figuring out their adult life, seeing them get married, seeing our grandchildren, etc..* but I can also see the benefit in being an older parent. We are more financially stable, we've gone through the party till you puke stage and have a better grasp on "real life", and just all around know more "stuff".

In a small way I do envy my parents though. My brother is 41, I'm 34, and my parents are both 59. They are both retired now, and have two grown up married kids taking care of themselves *and have been for many many moons* and also have a beautiful 4 year old granddaughter.. *no, I am in no way bias of my beautiful niece* *did I mention she is beautiful?*   I joke with Steve that having kids will mean we will have to work until we are dead..

We have many friends that have chosen not to have kids, in fact most of our friends have gone that route.. and that's okay! It's all about that personal choice, and what makes you happy in your life!

[Merlin the Elder]

Auryn, let me say this from a potential grandparent point of view. It ain't their decision, it's yours. I would never and I HAVE never pressured my son on this issue. Granted, he's made two failed attempts at matrimony, but it happens, unfortunately. I'm glad there were no children to have to deal with that.

I find your reasons for not wanting to have a family as being reasonable and honest. More people should think about what they're doing beforehand as you are doing. A relationship does not have to culminate in an offspring. The planet is sufficiently populated and unless you need hands for your farm, children are not absolute essentials. Before I'm stoned to death, I'm not saying people should not have families. I am saying that people don't have to have families.

Your relationship is yours and yours alone. The issue of children should be between the two of you, and no one else. Good luck.

[Tink]

Auryn, I find myself in a similar place as you, and several others who have responded.  When I was younger, I just assumed I would be married in my early twenties, and have children (plural) before I turned 30.  In reality, I was barely married by the time I turned 30.  I want kids (as does my husband) but now I am in the position of being terrified that if I wait any longer I may not be able to versus wanting to have more time to spend alone with my husband.  I know that I want to be a mother, but I dont know if I am ready to give up my freedom (as in, I can just pick up and go wherever without having to worry about kiddos).  There are things in my life that I dream to accomplish, and having children would make those things much more difficult.  Then again, everyone around me it seems (at least most of the people with whom I went to school) are already on their second and third child, and I deeply envy what they have. 

I guess my point in all of this is to let you know that you are not alone, and that I echo everyone else who said that the choice is up to you and *potential/future* father, not your parents, not his parents, not the stranger down the street.

In any case, we are all here for you! 

[maeven]

Wow... I thought I was the only one feeling like this.

My husband and I are trying for a little one and I am absolutely terrified. lol...

[arbcoind]

Auryn, you are getting some great advice and ideas on this topic.  I'm a 49 yr old single mom of a 16 yr old boy.  My son was not planned, so I did not have this type of discussion nor time to think it through with anyone.  I've mostly raised him by myself.


My concerns were (and still are) as follows:

Is my home safe for a child?  Is it easily childproofed?  Are there any known hazards that adults can avoid but a child may not?  Is my home large enough to accommodate a whole other person?  Do I have pets that may harm my child?

Do I live in a safe neighborhood?  Can we play outside or go for walks?

How are my finances?  Am I in too much debt?  Can I afford to pay for another person for many years?  Nothing says stress like not being able to afford diapers, formula, clothing, school fees, memberships, sports etc.

Am I willing to give up my freedoms and take full responsibility for another person?  Can I stand going to child oriented events where they may not have anything adult to do.  Will I be able to adjust to planning every outing and event to include a child.

If my partner and I still both work, is there reliable childcare available?  Is it affordable?  Will it be a family member or something else.  Who transports the child to and from?

And then there is school.  If my child is to attend public school, how are the schools?  Is there public transportation provided by way of school bus?  Is there 1/2 or full day kindergarten?  If my child is to attend private school, how much will it cost?  Do I have to provide transportation?  Can I home school?

Do me or my partner have health, dental, vision, etc insurance?  What will happen to my deductible and copayments if I add a child to my policy?  Children often see their doctors.  If my child is sick and I have to stay home, is my employment flexible enough to do this, or do I have to rely on others to pick up my sick kid from school?

Do I need life insurance and a will? 

I'll stop now, you get the idea.  I never wanted children.  Now I see why.

Gina

[Rapier Half-Wit]

Having kids is not for the faint of heart. That being said, you will never truly know if you are cut out for parenthood til you are actually holding that child in your arms. That may not be a fair challenge for you, but then again, life isn't fair.

I have 4. When I held my first born in my arms the moment she was born, I became a different person. I can see that moment in my minds eye very clearly.

I have 2 kids that had life threatening medical issues at birth. I'll say it again; parenthood isn't for the faint of heart and life isn't fair.

I could give you a complete dissertation on parenthood, but I will stop by saying:

Parenthood is a 100% cognisant, life commitment. There's no room for half-heartedness.

[Ms Trish]

Parenthood is a 100% cognisant, life commitment. There's no room for half-heartedness.

This is something I tell my friends (without children) - once you have a child, you NEVER get to stop being Mom. It's a 24/7/forever job. Not a task to be taken lightly.

For the record, I adore the hell out of my daughter and wouldn't do it differently at all.

[Rani Zemirah]

When I held my first born in my arms the moment she was born, I became a different person. I can see that moment in my minds eye very clearly.

This... exactly.  I am absolutely NOT the same person I was before Scally entered my life... and it happened at that very moment.  I changed many things when I found out I was pregnant, but it didn't really change WHO I was... but at the moment I first held her... I was changed at my most fundamental level.  From being my own person, concerned primarily with my own life and well-being... I became a parent, first and foremost... responsible for not just another person's growth and development, but also for their very existence... and I will be that until the day I die. 


Parenthood is amazing... and many times terrifying, frustrating, heartbreaking... and joyful.  But once you become a parent you don't ever get to go back to being the person you were before. 

Figuring out whether you're willing to make that trade is a question that only you can answer... and a decision that only you should be allowed to make for yourself. 

[Auryn]

Thank you everyone
you are so very wonderful. I love you all.

You have all given me some new perspectives to think about.
To be totally fair, my parents have never pushed or nagged about getting grandchildren.
The comment my dad made was a one off a couple of years ago when the three of us were sitting around talking about life in general.
My parents and I are very close- we work together and see each other at least 6 hours a day during the week, on top of weekends.
I know my mother would never push me to have kids.
We have actually had this conversation a few times and she has always said that she respects and admires women who have the courage and presence of mind to know and decide that they don't want to have kids.
My parents were very young parents- my mom was 19 (and married) when they had my older brother.
So I grew up with young vivacious and active parents that took me and my little brother everywhere.  Shoot they moved from one continent to another with 2 kids under the age of 9- that takes guts.
They were very much about getting us to experience as much as possible- but also raised us to have the fear of god in us if we even considered misbehaving.

Thankfully my mother in law's new bf has 2 grandkids so she gets to play surrogate grandma and hasnt brought up the subject anymore.
I got my parents a dog a couple of years ago that they love to pieces- when they come back from a holiday they say hi to the dog before they say hi to me.

I guess just with a big birthday looming in the distance it got me thinking about it again.

The boy toy and I have already discussed it several times that when we start thinking that we might want to have kids we will go and have a full genetic screening done before hand, even if it costs a couple of thousand dollars, who knows genetics might make the decision for us and all this pondering will have been for naught.


It actually makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
It always seems that the people are always either gun ho about having kids or about choosing not to have kids.
Im glad im not the only one thats back and forth on the fence

I fully expected to be married by the time I was 23-25 and be done having kids by the time I was 27-28

same here

being terrified that if I wait any longer I may not be able to versus wanting to have more time to spend alone with my husband.  I know that I want to be a mother, but I dont know if I am ready to give up my freedom (as in, I can just pick up and go wherever without having to worry about kiddos).  There are things in my life that I dream to accomplish, and having children would make those things much more difficult.  Then again, everyone around me it seems (at least most of the people with whom I went to school) are already on their second and third child, and I deeply envy what they have.  

its like your reading a page out of my mind's logbook.