I admit it... I'm scared

[Rani Zemirah]

So... I got my chemotherapy kit from the UPS man today. I have a liver disease contracted from a massive blood transfusion I had to have in '93, after suffering internal injuries. I'm in stage 1, but it's progressing so I have to have chemo/anti-viral treatment for the next 24-48 weeks. I've been trying to stay pretty upbeat about it, until today when the package came via UPS. Now my hands are shaking just thinking about it.

It's so small, just four pen-type devices (one for each week), and I have to mix the chemicals, inject myself, then pop some pills, knowing that shortly after I'm going to start shaking and shivering uncontrollably, throwing up, burning up, aching, suffering delirium and possibly suicidal depression (50-70% of participants report suicidal thoughts and/or urges). On the other hand, I understand I'll be losing weight... lots of weight. Because I won't be able to keep much down.

I get to do this every weekend for the next 6 months to a year, depending on how quickly I clear the disease.

I've been trying to convince myself that there's some way I could get down to TRF before this season is over, but that's just not going to happen now. I thought I might have time before I started the treatment, but at least I'm not having to wait months for pre-approval from insurance. That's a blessing, right?

I've always seen myself as strong, able to face whatever life throws at me, and that's been quite a bit, but this has me shaking in my renboots. At least I know that I will eventually come up negative, if I can stick with the treatment long enough, and there's a small chance that the side effects will weaken over time, but it's a daunting prospect. I think it would be easier if I was doing this as an in-patient treatment, because it seems like it will get harder and harder to stick myself knowing what it's going to do to me.

I'm sorry to get so heavy here, but I didn't know all this was going to pour out. I guess it's been pent up since I found out what the treatment entailed, and the delivery turned a release valve.

I'm fairly new to the forums here, but it's nice that this space is provided for those in need of positive thoughts and energy from others who have a little to share. I've been known to have issues with asking for help, but I'd be grateful for any happy thoughts anyone could send my way.

[Lord Duelist]

So... I got my chemotherapy kit from the UPS man today. I have a liver disease contracted from a massive blood transfusion I had to have in '93, after suffering internal injuries.

... (much skippage)

I've been trying to convince myself that there's some way I could get down to TRF before this season is over, but that's just not going to happen now. I thought I might have time before I started the treatment, but at least I'm not having to wait months for pre-approval from insurance. That's a blessing, right?

Indeed it is a blessing.

I can understand why you would not want to try to make it (especially given you have to cross a state line, and it's not exactly the closest one to the TRF site).

I'm sorry to get so heavy here, but I didn't know all this was going to pour out. I guess it's been pent up since I found out what the treatment entailed, and the delivery turned a release valve.

That is what I understand this particular board to be for (I hope, anyway).

I'm fairly new to the forums here, but it's nice that this space is provided for those in need of positive thoughts and energy from others who have a little to share. I've been known to have issues with asking for help, but I'd be grateful for any happy thoughts anyone could send my way.

I sincerely hope you're well in time for Scarby 2009, or at the very least, TRF 2009, and that you're one of the 30% or so that do not suffer from suicidal depression. Given Scarby 2009 is hopefully going to be the first faire I attend in garb (barring a miracle before the close of this year's TRF season), we will both have a lot to look forward to.

Please keep posting (anywhere on the forums), or at least keep in touch with someone that does so we all know you're still alive and (getting) well.

[knarlyknot]

All I can say is that we're here for you.  We'll keep you in our thoughts and send healing your way.

[ADraeger]

I will certainly send happy thoughts your way and keep you in my prayers.  May God bless you.

[Rani Zemirah]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read about my trials, and for leaving well wishes. They are much appreciated!

[Anna Iram]

Rani, try to find a friend who can be with you for a while after each seession. I hate to think of you going through all of that alone.

Keep your eye on the big picture. You can get through it and there will be another (happier) side to what you are facing. Just stay focued on the goal of getting healthier whicj each dossage down.

Perhaps you could take a weekend off, give yourself a break and get to faire for one weekend? It would do you good and you'd have happy faire memories to get you through the rest of your treatments.

We are all here for you Rani. {{Hugs}}

[Lady Amy of York]

Rani,
   That is what this forum is  for.  For you to discuss your fears  ans  asks  for  prayers  and  help  from friends  on here.  There are alot of  caring people  on here.  I found that out earlier  this year, when  i had  to have surgery done.    So don't be  embarrassed  to  come on here  and  ask for help, or  express your  feelings, or juust cry  if  you want too.

I can understand  how scared you are about the  shots.
Back in the   1992   i had a bout with Lyme disease. Back  then they were not sure  how  to teart it yet, and the doctors were experimenting  with different drugs.  I was so sick, that they ended up  putting me on an antibiotic treatment where i   had  an iv needle  in my arm 24 hours  a day  attached to a portable pump  with medicine in it,  that i wore on a belt around my waist. 
I also   had  to  give myself  injections  with a needle.  I remeber  the first time  i went to do it.  I was shaking. But i did  evntually get use to it.  and , yes, i did have days when i felt sick afterwards.

Did  anyone  show you how  to give the injection  to yourself  ?   Mine, i had   to pinch my skin  along  my stomach, and inject myself      along the stomach area.     They had me practice on a orange  a  few  times  before they had  me  do it  on  myself.

and  yes, it does help to have  someone  with you    the first few times you give  yourself  an  injection.

and just remember there are  people  with diabetes  who have to give  themselves  injections  evryday  so you are  not alone.

sorry this had  to happen  to you.  I  wish you well   and  good luck.

[Rani Zemirah]

Thanks so much, Anna and Lady Amy, for the kind thoughts and encouraging words. They mean so much!

I have had the "training", and tomorrow evening will be my first treatment, just before bedtime so I can sleep through the worst of it, I hope. At least that was the suggestion they gave me, and I hope it works. My little girl will be with my mother for the weekend, but I think I'd rather just be alone, since I'm lousy company when I'm sick, and I don't like to cry in front of other people. If I'm alone I won't feel the need to "be strong" for anyone else, and I can just go to pieces if I feel like it.

I have my bedside trashcan all set up... lol. And good magazines at the ready if it turns out to be less intense than they said. I plan on spending most of Sat. in bed, which might actually be kind of nice, for a change.

I've been thinking about blogging my treatment, but we'll have to see how this first one goes... I might not want all that down in writing... lol.

Thanks again everyone!

[lordwriothsley]

I will send happy thoughts,positive energy,and lots of prayers your way.Take care of yourself and hang in there sweetie.God Speed.

[maelstrom0370]

Rani,

I am, by no means, a religious man, but I'd be happy to offer up a prayer or human sacrifice if it helps. 
Seriously, though, I understand not having anyone there, but, at least have someone on speed dial.  Your mom, a close friend, that creepy guy next door, or the cat lady down the street.  Just be sure someone can be reached easily.

Be well, Rani.  As someone else said, keep the long view in mind.  You sound like a strong woman and I'm sure you'll weather this.

Take care!

[Rani Zemirah]

Thanks, Lord W and Maelstrom, and I promise I'll keep the phone by the bed!

(maybe a "raver" sacrifice???  LOL    but you have to dance nekid around the fire!)

(edit) and send me pics!!! 

[lordwriothsley]

Okay I'm trying to watch my gutter mind and your making it hard for me right now Rani. LOL

[maelstrom0370]

Thanks, Lord W and Maelstrom, and I promise I'll keep the phone by the bed!

(maybe a "raver" sacrifice???  LOL    but you have to dance nekid around the fire!)

(edit) and send me pics!!! 

If it'll help, I'll gladly travel to Texas, sacrifice a raver to the appropriate Gods and cause all those around me to cry "EYE BLEACH!!"

Okay I'm trying to watch my gutter mind and your making it hard for me right now Rani. LOL

WOW! That's a lot of info! 

[Rani Zemirah]

Okay I'm trying to watch my gutter mind and your making it hard for me right now Rani. LOL

Why... is it playing home movies??? 

[Rani Zemirah]

Thanks, Lord W and Maelstrom, and I promise I'll keep the phone by the bed!

(maybe a "raver" sacrifice???  LOL    but you have to dance nekid around the fire!)

(edit) and send me pics!!! 

If it'll help, I'll gladly travel to Texas, sacrifice a raver to the appropriate Gods and cause all those around me to cry "EYE BLEACH!!"

Okay I'm trying to watch my gutter mind and your making it hard for me right now Rani. LOL

WOW! That's a lot of info! 

You forgot the part about pics...  (folds arms and taps foot impatiently)