I admit it... I'm scared

[Lord Clisto of York]

The big thing is whatever works for you. yes, talking to someon who will listen helps as well as writing. I have done both. So, let it fly when and wherever. No better friends then rennies.

[Rani Zemirah]

I have come to find that so very true!!! Thank you!

[Lady Renee Buchanan]

I don't know where my head has been, but tonight is the first time I've seen this thread.  I have read about your trials, and I'm so sorry for what you have to go through, but reading on, I can see what a strong and beautiful woman you are, and how wonderfully you have been handling this. 

I'm sure when you are hurting, you don't think you are strong or brave, but you really are an inspiration.  I'll add you to my prayers, and now that I've found you here, I'll pop in to see how you are doing.

[Lady Amy of York]

Hang in there girlfriend, i know  you are strong. Hugs  and  love.

[Rani Zemirah]

Well, it's such a quiet, unassuming little thread, Lady Renee, why on Earth would you have noticed it???  LOL  No matter when you stumbled on it, though, I appreciate that you wanted to take the time to say a prayer for me, and I welcome you to my little corner of the Forum. I do occasionally have those moments when I'm not so chipper, but everyone here does such an amazing job of keeping my spirits up, or dragging them back up when I let them fall too far!

I appreciate so much your kind words, and look forward to hearing from you! Thank you...


Lady Amy, I'll get through all this, but sometimes a get a bit angry, both at myself, and at the circumstances, and I have to let it out somewhere. Here, I know I can safely release those feelings and you all will just accept them for what they are and continue to love and support me anyway! There is truly no better therapy than that!!! Thank you, my friend!

[Lord Clisto of York]

Oh my gosh Rami, Look over there!!!! Is that an elf I see with pointy toed shoes? Dang, you just missed Him..


Now, for that one second, did I manage to take your mind off all the nasties? LOL...   

[Rani Zemirah]

LOL... Elves are in every mall this time of year, Sir Clisto... pointy toed shoes and all! You, on the other hand, are definitely one of a kind...  LOL  Thanks for the distraction!

And why on earth are you awake at this time of night??? I just took my treatment, so I have a reason...

[Lord Clisto of York]

See, you just have to believe... LOL... What little it takes to divert you.

[Rani Zemirah]

Yeah... I guess I'm just simple like that...  ROFL!!!

[Lord Clisto of York]

I work nights that's why I am on from work yet. Getting to go in a few hours. Hope you are feeling better this day and that your weekend is nice, safe and peaceful. A good Mother/Daughter time to help throw those guilt feelings away. 



Oh NO!!! You just missed a nakid Chip n Dale dancer run across your yard!!!

I quickly averted my eyes.

[Rani Zemirah]

LOL... Unfortunately, the weekends are when I take my treatments, and I tend to get quite ill, so my daughter spends the weekends with my mother. I haven't gotten to spend a weekend with her for 10 weeks now... I usually spend most of Saturday either in bed or on the couch, although I frequently read the forums when I feel like I can sit at the computer for a few minutes, and almost half of Sunday is spent trying to recover enough so that when she gets home in the afternoon I can actually take care of her. I never look forward to weekends these days...

I saw the Chippendale Dancers several years ago, but I'm pretty sure they were all interested in the half naked waiters, so I wasn't terribly impressed...  LOL   Oh, but they were all very pretty!

Ok... chemo is starting to kick in, so it's bedtime for me, I think... I stay up so late on Fridays so I can be sure I'll be able to go straight to sleep after I give myself the injection, and sleep through several hours of side effects (which are starting even now...).

Have a good night! See you in the Circle!!!

[Lord Clisto of York]

Sorry, thats too bad. But, always keep possitive in the fact once its over you will have so many good weekends to make up you will not know what to do.  And, even though the Chip n Dale dancers werent your style, I did see you look. be honest, you looked I saw you.  So, another distraction gained. LOL...

You have as good a weekend as you can and even through all the crap, know we are all here to help where we can.  BIG KNIGHTLY HUG!!!

[Lord Zenok]

I just ran into this today. I am at work and fund this. I will left you up in pray and know you will be better. If I can do anything let me know. I will send healing energy your way to heal you from this problem. Best wish and love, Lord Zenok.

[Fairyfly]

Thank you, my friend... I've been talking to my daughter about all of this since it started affecting me, and even though she is only 7, she knows what the side effects are and how they may make me act sometimes, but that doesn't make it any easier for her to deal with when she's in the middle of it! And it doesn't make me feel any better about myself when it happens. I know it's not my fault, but try telling yourself that when your baby is crying because she doesn't know what she did wrong, but she's still getting snapped at by the one person in the world who's supposed to be on her side...

It always passes, and we always talk about it, but that doesn't make it ok, only understandable...

Having a 7 year old myself, and occasionally having severe back pain that hurts so badly I can't turn over in bed without crying... I know exactly how it feels to get snappy with a little one without meaning it, or anything done wrong. Then see that beautiful face fall and the tears start. The next couple of hours and every time you think about it you feel like crap....

First, *HUG*!!! Children are just as resilient as they are sensitive.  I've had to be reminded of that on several occasions. Especially since mine is a drama queen on top of everything and really knows how to rub it in when she wants to. Lol But, the talks definitely help, and her level of understanding is just absolutely amazing!

I know it feels horrid when it happens hun. I know it doesn't feel, "OK" that it happens, and "understandable" is a long way from being acceptable in your mind and heart. But just breath hun. What ever her level of understanding is at this time, just try to remember you are not causing any permanent damage and she loves you Very much! Most days Mother's are Goddesses to their children, some days we are human. And even as much as it doesn't feel like it right this moment, it's a good thing for her to know that Mom is human, just like her.

*HUGE HUG*!!!! Love ya sweetie! Don't be too hard on yourself. Besides, I bet some of that shopping was for her wasn't it?!? Is yours asking for a kitten this year too? Lol Mine is in the "I want that!!!" stage this year. Tee hee

[Rani Zemirah]

Thanks, sweetie, I really needed that! And you're right... all of that shopping was for her...  LOL  She's so incredibly amazing! Of course she says "I want that" about every item on each page of the toy store books she's looked at this year, but she wrote in her letter to Santa that what she really wanted for Christmas this year was a happy family, and for her mom to be well so she can play and "do stuff" again... and she didn't need anything more than that!!! Oh, darn, now I'm really crying... She's awesome, especially at this time of year, because she's all about family and togetherness, and has been my main reason for going ahead with all of this since I found out I was going to have to.

Thanks, FF, for understanding me, even when I don't understand myself! You really are such a good friend, and I'm so grateful for you, everyday!


Sir Clisto, I really appreciate all the distractions at, what was it... 4am??? LOL  And hey, of course I'm gonna look if a naked Chippendale dancer runs across my lawn!!!  ROFL  And thanks for the hug... never had a full armor hug before...   


Lord Zenok, thank you for your kind words, wishes, prayers and healing energy! I can use them all... I appreciate you taking time from your busy work day to send them! I see how much energy you put into making someone's day special for them at least once a year, and that is a daunting prospect at best, faced with so many thousands of members Natal days... but you do it every day, and dedication alone doesn't sustain that sort of effort, so I know that you must be kindness itself!!! Thank you, again, and I hope every day is as nice for you as you make it for others!


And now I'm going back to bed for a few hours! I was woken up this morning by the phone ringing 3 times, just long enough to make me get out of bed, go into the living room, and watch it stop flashing as they hung up... so, of course I sat down to read for a few... LOL  But... it's really not a good morning, although it's better now that I've been here, just as it always is!!! Still... I think I'd like to be asleep...

Thank you all so much, as always!